intertwining emotions

Is Christian Accountability a Farse?

2012-01-18T14:13:00.002-05:00

http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/145836-why-i-don-t-believe-in-christian-accountability-giveaway.html#.TxbqVcXMdkw.facebook

I thought it was a pretty interesting read. What are your thoughts?

20 Things I've Learned Over The Past Year

2012-01-13T23:24:00.000-05:00

1) My suspicions about having an anxiety disorder were true. When I joked that I was ocd, I unknowingly was correct. And depression is nothing to be messed with.
2) Telling somebody to "just get over it", "be happy", "I think you're pretty" (when it's not your spouse) or any form of Christianise saying, no matter how genuine it is, is not helpful to hear when you're at the bottom of the barrel.
3) When I go to the doctor now, they say things like, "You're a healthy, young adult" instead of telling me my cholesterol is high or how I should really try and lose some weight. (I'm not dissing them. It's their job. Except for my old gyno - he was just a jerkwad) It's just really interesting to hear.
4) Running a 5k is always better with family.
5) Because I finished the 5k without passing out, it motivated me to take greater risks.
6) It's incredibly humbling to take meds/therapy/excerise to even out the serotonin levels in my brain.
7) It's even more humbling to realize that after beginning the meds, it began to control the amount of anxiety attacks and all of the really weird quirks that I never realized were a) not normal and b) associated with ocd.
8) And if things couldn't get any more humbling... when I still have those hiccups. When I see glimpses of the woman I loathe emerging again. When I have an anxiety attack for "no reason", when I say something mean or stupid or thoughtless, when I can't stop obsessing for days over a dumb comment or look I think may have been projected at me... It's humbling and it makes me feel worthless and that I've let me friends down, as they can tell/feel 'I haven't really changed'.
9) That being said... Hiccups happen. Life happens. Don't panic too much.
10) I have rediscovered a deep and meaningful love for my husband, even more so than before.
11) That I am wildly blessed to being getting paid to do what I love. And even more blessed knowing Isaac gets paid to do what he loves as well. To have two people be able to share in that at the same time... there's probably a higher likelihood of winning the lottery.
12) Bridesmaids was so so funny. That an ensemble of woman could make a fantastic movie and be hilarious without being ditzy or leaning on their male counterparts. So proud.
13) I decided I wanted to go back to Jos and hang with some friends.
14) After a lot of soul-searching, I've sorta redefined my theology and faith and how Jesus intercedes in my life. None of it's bad. It was painful getting here... but I am so thankful for the journey. And I'm not stupid enough to think that it's over.
15) Friends who allow you the time to just "breathe" and rediscover your faith and yourself without shoving a bunch of crap down your throat... those are life-long friends. Those friends count.
16) Being a "leader" or being "involved" in whatever ministry is just something that I used to do, it's not who I am.
17) I've decided it's okay be a leader in your field and be a Christian, but that is completely different than being a leader at your church. And I am 100% down with that.
18) I think Jesus probably likes that I'm somewhat recklessly pursuing Him.
19) Sometimes I hurt people, even though I don't mean to.
20) It's okay to fail. Still hurts though : )

manipulative beliefs

2012-01-08T17:28:00.001-05:00

Several months ago, a group of friends and I were having a discussion about various things, when someone asked a question (I'm paraphrasing here) about how to be in leadership and convey personal ideas or beliefs that their company may not be totally down with. I'm afraid none of us were much help. (My brilliant answer was to wait a long time and then revisit the idea. Granted, I was pretty in the dark about what they were talking about at the time, but still. Dumb answer.) Other responses alluded something to the effect of essentially tricking the receipts into believing the ideas. Think, boiling a frog... Knowing the hearts of my friends, I know that they weren't intending to sound manipulative, but it took me aback. I realized A) I never wanted to work under someone who operated under that mindset B) If I'm choosing to be honest, I'm sure I've probably been a bit of a con in the past - with good intentions - but still... C) I don't want to operate like that in the future. I never want to feel like I'm con-ing or manipulating anyone into believing something. Beliefs can't be forced. Just like you can't make somebody love you. They have to come to that decision on their own. I'm reading several books right now that helped me reinterate this truth - unChristian by David Kinnaman (president of the Barna research group) & Gabe Lyons and Signs of Emergence by Kester Brewin. Similar concepts that end up taking different paths.

But one thing remains true - if you want somebody to respect you and your beliefs, you've got to just be yourself. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Jesus. I think almost everyone (Christians included) is on high alert when it comes to sincerity. 'Believers' are awesome when it comes to being angry, political, judgemental, loud, brash, ignorant and pushing our agendas. We are not so well known for just letting things "breathe". To allow people to come to their own conclusions as well as allowing them the space to question certain beliefs without practically excommunicating them. When will we learn that good leaders (no matter what the business) lead by example and not by shoving things down people's throats?

May There Be Peace To All This Christmas

2011-12-21T14:38:00.001-05:00

Alright. I must make this quick, as I have to get to work... I've been holding off for months on saying this, as I wanted to articulate it well. But alas, lately I've felt as if I don't say anything, especially around Christmas, I'll just burst. So here's the short and sweet.

I work with folks with special needs. Throughout the years they have been marginalized and shuffled off to 'keep with their own kind'. As a society, we believe there's something wrong with them. Health insurance companies largely don't want to touch them and no one wants to believe that they can love, develop true relationships, get married, and have children. It's almost a joke to some to believe that they could possibly be successful in life. As a society, we're so scared of our babies being born with a deficiency, that we'll abort them. Some of us believe that a dead baby is better than a "broken" one.

I tend to want to punch people in the face for thinking such thoughts. I believe we're all cut from the same cloth by the one true God who created us all.

So it got me thinking... who else as a society, and especially as a church, have we marginalized because they don't look like us or it just seems 'unnatural? Minorities. Check. Women. Check. Homosexuals. Double Check.

For thirty years I believed what I was taught - that if you're gay, you're less than. You're dirty. Flamboyant. Filthy minds and lying tongues. You're cheap and promiscuous.You must be fixed. You've chosen to be this way. You can't really love Jesus and you must never ever be given any form of power, lest we all turn into perverts and child molesters. But a surprising fact began to emerge... some of these homosexuals, really did seem to love Jesus. And they didn't have fangs. And I wasn't going to catch whatever this horrible thing was that they must have all carried to make them this way.

And I started to think... if I believe that we're all cut from the same cloth by the one true God who created us all, why did I believe that he couldn't really love the gay population? Why did I think that he was so disappointed in them as a whole? What type of kool-aid had I been given? As a church, we're embarrassed that our forefathers treated folks of a different color worse than animals. It's almost horrible enough, that we kinda block it out. We were a pathetic example of Jesus. As a church, why are we going down the same path then, with the gay and lesbian community? Do we really want our children blocking out our deeds and pathetic beliefs?

If Jesus really came to save us all. If he really came because we are all jacked up. If he really existed and is searching out those who have been discarded and unloved and are seen as misfits... then he must love us all.

May your Christmas be filled with much love and peace.

40 Confessions (I think I should have been catholic)

2011-12-15T12:30:00.001-05:00

1) I really dislike brown picture frames. I'm actually using one right now for a Christmas gift, but it's a deep brown and it looks manly, so it fits the gift.

2) Candles make me ridiculously happy. I'm burning 2 right now.

3) I don't tell my friends enough how much I really love them and how great they really are. But I'm afraid that if I do, they won't take me seriously. Or I'll look like a stalker.

4) I love my dog more than I ever thought I could.

5) The clearance aisle in Hobby Lobby is really the place to shop.

6) I had 62 gifts to give out this year. Less than 12 were completely store bought. I only spent $6.25 on average per gift. I feel completely satisfied in this knowledge.

7) I have no desire to go back to see my therapist because I'm ashamed that I've gained 20 lbs.

8) I think I agreed to run a 1/2 marathon with Kristen Dooley in May. omg. OMG.

9) I have a tendency to say hurtful things without meaning to.

10) I have a very difficult time forgiving myself. I'm actually better at it than I used to be, but there's just some stuff...

11) I think it's harder to forgive yourself than it is others.

12) That being said, I still haven't forgiven a few people. I simply can't find it in me. I know it's wrong, but I'm not going to "fake" forgive somebody in order to attempt to clear my conscious.

13) I like feeling important.

14) I'm going back to Nigeria in May. I'm pretty stoked.

15) It's still easier for me to be friends with guys, or at least trust male friends more than females. But I am trying to work diligently on this.

16) I have favorites. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I think this would make a terrible attribute in a parent.

17) I think I just burned out the motor in my blender this morning. Oops.

18) I struggle with anxiety, depression and ocd. It's getting easier to handle, but still.

19) If you don't think there's anything wrong with today's government, just sit through a 90 minute health insurance meeting.

20) I've never really thought Fox News was fair and balanced. Ever.

21) I judge people who watch Fox News. It makes me uncomfortable to go into doctor's office's when it's the only thing on.

22) I have the most absolute random hair that grows out of my back. I hate it.

23) I bought a pair of awesome green jelly shoes at Kroger for like, a buck this summer. I love green and I love jelly shoes. However, they hurt so stinking bad. But I still wear them as a way to get back at my mom for throwing mine away when I was little. She has no idea that I probably even own jelly shoes, let alone remembers throwing my old ones away. I think the only person I'm hurting is me. But I still have a twinge of "I'll show her!" when I wear them.

24) Sometimes I do really dumb things.

25) I hate feeling stupid and vulnerable. It kinda makes me angry.

26) I hate feeling angry because I feel stupid and vulnerable.

27) Do you ever have a teeny tiny fart slip out and just run up your butt crack? They don't make noise or smell, but goodness, do they feel funny. It's like a fish is trying to swim out your butt hole.

28) Youth scare the crap out of me. Large groups of children do as well.

29) I can't believe I'm getting ready to turn 32. THIRTY-TWO!

30) I have a hard time staying on task.

31) I hate all church journey's. Actually, I hate long periods of time when as a group we're supposed to be focused on one thing. Maybe it goes back to #30. I think I understand the importance of the idea, but I just tend to feel like it's trying to manufacture something that's already there for some small groups.

32) Part of me is ashamed of gaining so much weight. The other part of me isn't disgusted by myself anymore but feels like I should be. Another part of me doesn't see a difference from the old me to the skinnier me to the whateverIamnow me.

33) My views on theology and grace and life and family have shifted in some significant ways over the last year or two. I think this is healthy and natural to an extent and I'm at peace with most all of it.

34) Even if I could have a kid, I'm not sure that I could afford one.

35) I really really love my career. I feel guilty about thinking of giving that up to have a kid. But I still kinda want one. But there are a lot of deep seeded issues that follow.... sigh.

36) I can't make myself puke. I've tried.

37) I don't wish that I was a millionaire or "rich", but I do wish that I had enough money to just buy "whatever" without budgeting. But doesn't everybody?

38) I'm actually probably a little too proud of where I live.

39) I just realized in the last week that I don't care very much about presentation. Isaac was astonished by the fact that I just discovered this about myself.

40) I am no longer the manager of The Q City Players Comedy Improv Troupe. It was a fun run, but it's just time. I'm at total peace with it.

So There I Was, Hanging On For Dear Life, Like A Dingle Berry...

2011-11-17T09:12:00.002-05:00

Beginning of my freshman year of college, my roommate and I did the whole bunk bed thing. I slept on the top bunk, and Dana was on the bottom. It seemed only fair, as she was a petite 4'11.

Because of the placement of our furniture, in order to get to bed, I had to climb from my desk chair to my desk to the wooden planks to reach the top. I think it's really a toss up between me being a giant wuss, and just having tender feet, but I always had to wear my soccer sandals to bed. I found it nearly impossible to climb without their support.

Most of my friends simply jumped off of their beds when they desired to go somewhere. Not me. The fear of almost everything had been successfully ingrained in my heart, thanks to a fantastic combination of DNA and my mother : ) I'd always climb back down, grasping the bed like a scared monkey.

One afternoon, while perched on my mattress, I made up my mind - today was going to be the day that I conquered my fear - I was gonna jump off. It seemed like the perfect time, since the door was shut and I was all alone in my room. With sweaty palms, I inched closer and closer to the side of the bed. Eventually, I got to the point where I was just dangling off the side, the last of my butt cheeks hanging on for dear life. I'm 5'8, so looking back there was probably only inches of space between myself and the floor. However, to me, I felt suspended in fear, unable to pull myself back onto the bed and unwilling to let go. I was a cosmic dingle berry.

What I lacked in courage, I also lacked in muscle tone. I had to let go. There was no other way out. I stretched as far I could, toes pointed downward, eyes shut.... For about .5 seconds, the wind was rushing through my hair, I felt strong, courageous. I was every woman. Tom Petty's Free Falling was the soundtrack of my life. And then it happened, in my effort to make every cm count, I had kept my feet pointed downward the entire time, hence my athletic sandals reaching the ground first, and consequently, literally flipping me on my face like a flapjack.

And that was the last time I attempted to jump off my bunk bed.
The End.

thoughts and reflections

2011-10-30T21:35:00.000-04:00

I had an asthma attack this afternoon. I have mild asthma, so this sorta thing isn't super surprising. It used to be really bad during marching band season and when I weighed more. Anyway, went for a run/walk with Isaac today and forgot to bring my inhaler. dumb. I never really got over the weird feeling, even when I got home, used my inhaler and took a really hot shower. The rest of the afternoon was spent in bed. I got up when Isaac left for small group, but I freaked out, because I still felt weird. So I went to West Chester and cuddled with him, so if I died or passed out, at least he could be with me : ) Luckily, I didn't, but I'm still not much for words at the moment, at least not verbally. It's as if every breath counts. It's weird.
As if 2010 wasn't bad enough, my adult acne came back. Sometimes I break out all over my face, but it's a 110% guarantee that I will always break out on my chin. I wonder if a chemical peel would help get rid of some of the underlying bacteria?

Sometimes when I sit down to purposely write something, I think, "Damn, that's good." I think that ego may be a reason to not sit down and purposely write : ) (btw- I am in no way referring to this blog post)

Once Upon A Time on ABC is pretty darn good.

Have you ever noticed that all Taylor Swift songs seem to lead to the conclusion that the guy is with the wrong girl? ie: should leave his love for Taylor. After a while, sweet little Swift songs don't sound so sweet : )

I'm really into smiley faces tonight.

I applied for a newly opened coordinator position at work. Found out tonight that I didn't get it. I'm definitely bummed, but I'm at peace with it. I feel like I gave a pretty solid interview and I'm in a place where I know that I fit in. I not only enjoy what I do, but I'm pretty good at it. I didn't change anything about myself or create trainings or extra stuff to impress anybody. Sometimes I go above and beyond because I feel like it's what the clients deserve and what we should all strive for. I wouldn't be happy if I wasn't doing what I do. Worst case scenario, not getting this position allows me time to grow and learn more. How bad can that be?

I dressed up like Lady Gaga last night. Blue swimsuit, gold belt, fishnets, robe, house slippers and a giant blond wig with curlers and a little blue bow. I was supposed to be Lady Gaga when she gets old, fat and tired. I'm still a bit uncertain how a woman, dressed up like another woman, could resemble a drag queen so effortlessly. Once I took the wig off last night, I realized I perhaps missed my calling and should have been downtown, singing "It's Raining Men" by the Pointer Sisters. Maybe it was the gold and pink eyelashes. I'm not too sure.

I think I could be friends with Kelly Clarkson in real life. She seems so down to earth and likable. Sometimes there's a little too much try in her videos, but I think that's just because she's just a really freaking good singer and not an actress. Who knows.

My dog gets to play with Charlie tomorrow. He's pretty stoked. He recognizes his name and knows where he lives and can remember playing with him. Granted, he's never actually told me this, but I can so tell by his eyes and actions and the fact that he cries when we get close to their house.

Rumor has it that a popular entertainer is pregnant, but doesn't want to announce it publicly until she gets a fat deal with a magazine. There's a 90% chance that this is all it is - a rumor. But the slim chance that it's true, makes me kinda sick.You're in an essence, selling your baby.

People who think Halloween is evil are weird to me.

I've been exhausted for the last week. It's really beginning to get on my nerves.

I still really wonder if my friends are overly disappointed in me because of how fat I am. I hope I don't disgust them.

There was forgiveness for something, but I'm still really hurt and there's a bit of trust lacking. Which begs the question, did I not fully forgive or did I do something wrong? Or it that just a normal part of life? You can forgive, but you don't forget. I don't know. I'm kinda torn on the issue.

It's hard to watch someone fight death in front of you; friend's marriages in trouble; be with folks who want to take their own life. There's absolutely no right words to say to ease that pain. I'm hoping that just being there is enough.

Please be in prayer for a client's family. Death seems to be rather immanent.

Why You Should Hate Christians

2011-10-07T22:20:00.000-04:00

I could list a million reasons why I could hate my tribe. Well, if we're being honest, probably more...
We say some of the dumbest things - and at the most inappropriate times. We're whiny, rude, condescending and arrogant. We love to be right and sometimes play victim when we're wrong. We secretly like the separation of church and state, unless of course, we want to build Noah's Ark in the middle of KY and need funding.

We're very proud of our morals and codes and ethics. We say we've been 'saved by grace' and 'saved from our sins', but most of us don't actually work hard at the grace bit. Dare I say because quite a few of us don't actually believe we deserve grace. We work so hard at having all of the right answers and looking proper and doing 'all of the right things' that when we slip up, it's swept under the rug so quickly, as to not soil the good name of the denomination or the church or of course, ourselves. We secretly heart the idea that our good deeds and purity has earned us a better seat, therefore negating the entire appeal of grace and love and forgiveness. And if we've been working so hard to be so good for so long, well then what hope do the other poor shmucks have?

We're really into catchy phrases and fads and the dying and shaving of youth pastor's heads. We think we're holy with our stained glass and pews but way cooler, when we meet in a school with folding chairs, a rocking band, jeans and coffee. (We love to feel authentic and like we're the first ones to come up with an idea) We like to steal popular logos turn them into a Christianese slogan. A few of us think 'Friend Day' is considering reaching out to the community. We usually don't look into where the actual teaching of Jesus and the saints came from, because that seems scary and unfaithful somehow. I think a few actually believe Jesus was an American and wrote the KJV. We feel good about ourselves when we gloat and shout and protest, at scared young mothers. We twist and grope the image of the most glorious redeemer to suit our own purposes. We throw dung in the faces of our enemies and are convinced that the party (no matter which one) we vote for, or the music we listen to (whether Christian or not) is the correct one. Every generation is convinced that whatever particular race or gender or sexual orientation that we decide to taunt and spit at, that those deeds are blessed by God. We love being heard. (why do you think I have a blog?)

But I can't do it. I may hate with all of the passions of this world, the things that some of my tribe members believe and do in the name of Yahweh, but I can't hate them. Because when it gets down to the nitty gritty, I believe that we're all created in the image of God, and every single one of us has royally screwed up. We all want something to serve, whether it's a religion, money, sex, attention, food, or praise, we crave it. It wakes us up in the middle of the night, gasping for more. We are like little children who never want to be picked last in gym class. We yearn for acceptance, but we always want to be our own Master. It's a continuous thread throughout the Bible - we fall, we're redeemed, we yearn for an earthly master, we don't like being told what to do, we turn away, we act stupid, we come to our senses. Rinse. Repeat. Over and over again, like a beat up pair of tennis shoes in a dryer, we just get loud and kinda uncomfortable.

See, I really kinda wanna hate my tribe. I even flirt with the idea of hating certain people sometimes, but this crazy guy once taught that "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." (1 Corinthians 13:1). And the weirder thing is that the crazy guy followed an even kookier guy who said something to the effect of, "Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other." (John 13:35) It's sounds crazy. Absolutely absurd - have you met some of us?! But as much as I've tried to fight it or deny it or pick it apart, I'm convinced that Jesus was more than some great teacher or magician or hippie. That he lived and breathed amongst a community of numb nuts, because that's who we all are. That he was fully God and fully man. And we need to be shown how to love and heal and listen and embrace each other. That we shouldn't be scared or angered at those who look or believe differently than us, cause we're all cut from the same cloth.

I'm tired of being a gong.

blissful

2011-10-01T10:49:00.000-04:00

We just got back last night from a WONDERFUL vacation. Here's some of the highlights for me.

* If you are given the chance to spend time without a planner, a blackberry, a schedule and you have limited news coverage - embrace every moment of it.

* a 50 minute deep tissue massage is worth EVERY SINGLE PENNY you paid for it, and then some.

* slot machines are really, really fun.

* Being surrounded by lots of different cultures and ethnicity's is totally awesome. It helps remind you that you're not the only person on the planet.

* If you ever have the chance to just hang out with the one you love for 6 days, jump on it.
(that's what she said) No, seriously. A week with just Isaac was uh-mazingly nice.

* Even if you get a dinner table all to yourself, everyone around you will still listen to your conversation, just as you will try and secretly listen to theirs. Nobody chews their food for that long.

* I finished 2 books while I was gone - Saving Jesus From the Church by Robin Meyers and Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller. Making the transition from a Unitarian point of view to a Presbyterian minister's was fantastic. Both were great reads and both offer incredibly good points. I believe I embraced parts of each. Now I just need to finish Created for Community that I read (and don't remember at all) in college. I started to reread it a few months ago, but never completed.

* Reading and being by myself for a bit, reminded me of how much I enjoy writing. I have about 2 or 3 solid ideas for a book or blog series that I've been holding on to for months now.... I need to just take the plunge....

* I really, really, really loved the random naps.

* I felt like a princess. And I don't mean that to be cheesy. I just appreciated how much time I had alone with Isaac, and how hands off I got to be with everything. And that we weren't in a trailer.....

* Every person should be so lucky to have a friend like Debbie Boyd. She is pure and lovely and kind and a darn good travel agent. You should take the hint and book your next travel destination from her.

confession

2011-09-24T22:46:00.000-04:00

when I get in a funk, I tend to want to talk it out. Usually with friends, sometimes through a blog. I think the idea of embracing the crappiness in the moment is much more appealing than always reading about how someone's come through on the other side... There's some form of relationship and solace found in confessions, struggles... And while I believe that 100%, I almost always wuss out : )

But not tonight. This is nothing life altering or crazy or anything - so don't get your hopes up - but here's what I'm struggling with.

* I've gained 14lbs since May or June. About 8 in the last month. I loved the movie experience, but I was so anxious, that I drank and ate my way through it. I'm still a 12, but I'm a tight 12. The tightness reminds me of what a failure I am. I am embarrassed to go out. I think I am an embarrassment to others because of my weight gain. When I'm out somewhere and someone comments on how much skinnier I am, I immediately fire back with "I've gained 10lbs".
* I've been trying to whiten my teeth for about a month now. It's a combination of laziness and my tongue/throat reaction that has only led me to be 1/2 way there. And I'm not sure I can tell the difference.
* Someone is BLARING the Cupid Shuffle outside my house at the moment. I honestly just think that it's hilarious.
* I've been ridiculously excited about something for a long time. We're going on a real grown-up vacation. But today I've really been struggling with being depressed. It all circles back to the whole philsophy that I don't believe that I deserve anything good... and that I definitely don't deserve to enjoy myself because of how overweight I am. Vicious circle.
* I just applied press on toenails and fingernails. Yep.
* I have been dreading October since August. 10/10 my life was filled with chaos, death, dread, hatred, anger and anxiety. I hate the person I was then. I can't forgive myself for who I was, mainly because I wonder if part of her's still in me. And partly because I don't believe people have forgiven me. Nor do I believe they should.
* I ate 2 Little Debbie Pumpkin Cakes while I typed this blog.
* My dog is currently laying on my clean laundry blowing out diarhea farts.
* I'm in the process of re-examining my faith and the Bible. I wish I had paid more attention in Bible college.
* Okay, Cash's gas is just getting disgusting now.
* I think I want to learn Greek and/or Hebrew. I think.
* I'm going to be off the grid for awhile. Please don't take it personal : )

grateful

2011-09-15T22:28:00.002-04:00

Isaac makes movies. I make friends with folks who have "disabilities". I prefer it this way.

I signed up for a week to be a production assistant on the film. I think I ended up on set everyday : ) Partly because it was the only way I could see my husband : ) but mainly because I fell in love with the people around me. It was hard, stressful and incredibly enjoyable work. I'm deeply saddened that some of my favorite people are leaving town. It's very humbling to be surrounded by such an array of talented individuals. Folks who are beautiful on the inside and out. I doubt most of them can see their own self worth, but I feel like I can.

I can honestly say that it was an honor to serve under the leadership of my friend and director, Brad Wise and Joe Boyd, who I have without permission, lovingly adopted as my big brother. And of course, Isaac. It's taken us six movies, but we've finally begun to figure out how to work together : ) I am so, so, so grateful for his love and support and guidance over the last month and a half. For allowing me to serve with him to an extent. To be a part of his dream. That is an amazing gift to be given.

I have a few pictures of the set, but most are stored in my heart. I planned on taking a ton at the wrap party and celebrating and saying last good-byes, etc, but I came down with a rather large anxiety attack instead. BOO. So I ended up stealing the director's baby and sitting outside of the Harbor Point Dewey's holding the most precious 14lbs of infant ever created. I told him how much his mommy and daddy loved him and how they had waited so long to have him. How they probably cried when they found out Leah was pregnant. And how they love him more than anything else in this world. Henry just cooed and looked at me with deep satisfaction, as if to say he already knew.

I also spent a chunk of time with a very close friend, discussing life and love and what to do about all of it. I have been very blessed in the friendship department, even when I have not done anything to deserve them or have pushed them away. I am very, very, very blessed. I have forgiving and loving friends.

And then I just spent the rest of the quiet evening at home with Isaac. And I loved every last second of it.

What A Feeling!

2011-08-08T18:23:00.002-04:00

Okay. So I promised myself that I wasn't going to write any more blogs until at least September. I have a fairly difficult time remaining focused to begin with, and right now, I sorta feel pulled in a few directions. But today needs to be shared.

The morning started off well at work. Routine is really big in the house, and some days I don't mind it. Meds, breakfast, bath, wash hair in the sink, start laundry, shave. I feel it is my civic duty to periodically trim back the mass of ear hair and bushy eyebrows that endow this particular person. (I mean, who wouldn't want that taken care of? Have a heart, people) Everything was going well with the brows unless he sorta rocked forward into the razor. Well shit. I got nervous after that, and so eventually we were both gently rocking back and forth while I was trying to lighten the load. The area above his eyes now somewhat resonates the pipes on an old church organ. They're all there, but not necessarily all the same height. Luckily, he wears a hat and keeps his head down most of the time, so I think it'll be okay. But gracious, did I feel like a jerk.

Today also happened to be the big day - the annual visit to the obgyn. I stayed with the same practice, but this afternoon's visit would be at a new location, with a new doc. Needless to say, I was anxious. It's just...so....invasive. What a terrible way to meet people! As I waited to meet the new guy in the room, the same familiar trail of thoughts raced through my brain.... "Did I remember to put my phone on silent? I don't want any surprise noises... I have to make sure I pee before he starts working on me. I wish I wasn't so nervous, I hate getting gas. Oh God, why did I eat so much granola today?!?!?!?! (side note: I always have these visions of the doctor pushing too hard and me farting in his face. It is a very real fear. And one that I so do not want played out) I wonder if OBGYN's are really just perves with a degree. If they were hugged too much as a child.... If my stuff is good enough. If being forgotten at the OBGYN's office would scar me more than being left at a funeral home (I decided, most definitely, btw. Side note: This happened to a very close friend of mine) I think about a story I heard once where the nurse told the patient to "crawl on up there" and she did. She was apparently on all fours on the table when her doctor walked in.

The plethora of thoughts were broken as the new doctor opened the door to the room. His Tigger-like enthusiasm took me aback for a moment. That brief second was almost immediately replaced with the decision that he probably pounces onto his wife. We chatted a bit, and then I excused myself to the restroom to squeeze out as much urine and gas as possible. Always uncertain and anxious about when the doctor would come back in, I made a mad dash back into the room and began undressing as if I had A Minute To Win It.

When I used to go for my yearly, I'd always get pretty dressed up - a skirt, makeup, hair, good shoes.... But as I've lost some weight and gained a greater sense of self, I decided that today I was purposely going without makeup (I must admit, some days I rather enjoy or at least appreciate looking in a mirror and not wanting to throw up) and that I was NOT going to hide my underwear. (See, there's this thing with women and hiding our unmentionables while the doc checks out our twats) But as I shimmied out of my jean skirt like a jackrabbit on a date, I just couldn't stand the sight of my underoos, just laying there. So I hid them. And then I hid my bra too.

About three minutes later, the doc came back in, just chatting away. I had planned this great idea about asking him if he wanted to be an investor in a movie I'm working on, but alas, I just couldn't bring myself to do it..... So, never without words, I decided that asking him exactly what he could see was a better option. Dumb idea. I decided in that moment, that every parent should take their daughter to her first visit when she's 12. The feeling and words used will suck the sexiness right out of ya. And if it wasn't illegal and just plain wrong, I'd say that the sons should go to. Trust me, they will never want to hit that. Ever. There, I just solved the nation's teen pregnancy crisis. BAM!

After I got dressed, regained my composure and began driving away, the song Flashdance came on the radio. I genuinely got excited about this, as it seemed to somehow fit the mood (okay Jen, you just made it through your yearly. What a feeling! I can really have it all! I can conquer the world!). Roughly three minutes later, the song ended and I was saddened. Then I flipped to another station and guess what song was on?!?!?! FLASHDANCE! I really, really can have it all!

The Other "L" Word

2011-07-23T17:20:00.000-04:00

Okay, well, actually, it's probably the other, other "L" word.

Leadership.

Ugh. The word gets me all creepy crawly and makes me wanna puke up my snack size Rolo McFlurry.

Until recently, I think I would have defined myself as a leader. (not even in all circumstances, but I would have definitely believed it was there). I probably do have some natural leadership giftings, however, I think most of that probably comes from being the oldest child and my super strong desire to "fix everything" (if only stemming from my anxiety disorder). But there's a real difference between being able to lead with maturity and simply calling yourself a leader.

It's often said that in order to be a good leader, you must first be a great follower. I finally realized that I neither. That's a shithole of a place to find oneself.

I'm kinda to a place now where I'm redefining everything that's important to me. Redefining my faith, my relationships, myself. That would have scared me to death a few years back, but I'm almost relaxed being on this journey. There is something definitely freeing about seeing yourself in a different light, figuring out who you really are... I don't think I care (or at least hope) so much about the whole "where do I fit in?" anymore (side note: is that not all we learn to obsess about from kindergarten thru college?) as I do the, "who am I? and why do I believe what I believe". I am somewhat comfortable saying I am Jenny, not I am Jenny because of X,Y and Z.

Of course on the flip side of all of that, because I no longer define myself by certain traits or characteristics, I've also gotten into the habit of saying that I am definitely NOT certain things. I get all weird and clammy when people even talk about leadership around me (they're not even talking about me - that's how self-focused I am. boo). I know that when I go to church tonight, they'll probably run a promo for the Global Leadership Summit and talk about how it's great for everyone, everyone should come, etc..., to which it typically makes me want to reply with a f*** you! (I am fully bearing my complete and utter lack of concern for others and my extreme self-centeredness here) Honestly, I think a lot of it is simply because I can look back with such ease and recall hundreds of times when I was a terrible leader. And I hate being reminded of those times... Of that person... In my journey of self-discovery, I also kinda just dropped out of lots of things. I wonder if I quit volunteering in part, so I didn't have to be reminded of how terribly I led some of them.

Every once in a while, I'll muse with the idea that if I got better, more complete, figured out who and what I believed and was following, that I could sorta lead on a small scale and succeed. Admitting that just now, makes me feel all dirty, and not in the good way... But dang it, it's my blog. And I doubt most of you will read this. And few will understand. And I'm okay with that.

Maybe certain things make me incredibly uncomfortable partly because they're ugly truths, and partly because I'm a giant scardycat. Who knows. It's all been jumbling around in my brain for a long time now....

Why Doesn't Anyone Else Look Like Me? (so boobs are weird)

2011-06-03T00:51:00.000-04:00

I'm torn.

I look around at ads for Victoria Secret and Lane Bryant and Dove and I don't see anybody who looks like me. Where is their 12 inch scar from a surgery when they were 3? The scar that divides their already large midsection into 2 extra fat rolls and squishes their bellybutton down so tight, it looks like it's constantly winking at you. Where are their varicose veins that make it hard to tell where a bruise begins and a vein ends? Why don't they have monkey paws for feet? (Seriously, nobodies size 11 feet should have as many knuckles as I do. And it wouldn't be so bad, except that even my toes look ashamed of how they turned out) Why don't they scar easily? Where are their red birthmarks on their neck, their mishaped eyes lids and crooked smile? Why don't they have a widow's peak and a duck tail?
When these models lay down at night, do their boobs sorta just sag off to each side, as if to say that even they are tired from the day? Do they worry that if somebody walked by while they were waving, their arm fat just might reach out and smack 'em?

I'm torn because I know that not everybody is gonna look like a Victoria Secret model. Not everybody is born with incredible features and spends close to an hour in makeup, so they can achieve the perfect "smoldering eye" look. Not everybody has bright lights and spray tans and fans around when they put on their underwear in the morning. But not everybody is going to look like a plus size model either, which begins at a size 10, btw. It seems fairly easy put down the "skinny model" or the "fat model", depending on which way you view yourself. It's easy to make jokes about how the Victoria Secret model must not eat in order to look that way. It's just as easy to praise the Dove models for looking like "real women". But where do we blur the lines between health and beauty? Is it really okay to promote in a sense, being overweight because that's what real women look like and we should just love ourselves the way we are? Or is it better to push being a size 2 or 4 as what women should look like, or promote the way a woman should look like if you only wear a certain bra?

I can tell you the exact moment in 7th grade when I decided that I was fat. Looking back, I probably wasn't, but because I believed that I was huge, I ate my way to it. (and even this I am torn about - at my largest I was an 18/20 and there are lots of women who might wear larger clothing that I would never ever consider to be "huge". It's simply the way that I thought of myself) It's not like I had a ton of muscle or something. It was mainly just good 'ol fashioned fat : )

I went to a job training in Texas a few years back and during a discussion about marriage and weight gain, one of my peers said that if he ever got married and his wife was a size 12 or more, he would divorce her. Now granted, the guy was a total douche bag, and I knew this even then, however, that was five years ago and when I think about being 'excited' about my 55 lb weight loss and feeling good about myself, I remember that douche bag and realize that I would still be kicked to the curb. I was in a relationship once where the guy I was with liked to respond to my question of "Would you still love me if I gained more weight?" with "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to". Even my gynecologist has a special way of telling me that I'm too fat to have kids. (Disclaimer, this is a soapbox moment: I don't open that portal for just anybody, jackass. The least you can do is say, "Shew, that's the best one I've seen all day" or "Woo wee, clean as a whistle!" before you question my workout and eating habits.) Right before I got married, I ordered a couple of Victoria Secret lingerie items that looked amazing on the online models. I was sooooo excited to try them on when they arrived in the mail, until, of course, I saw myself. My boobs and fat rolls were smashed between an array of elastic lace doilies. I looked like a dolphin caught in a tuna net. It was really, really baaaaaaaaaad.

There's nothing glamorous about being unhealthy and increasing your chances of heart disease, diabetes and a slew of other things. And there's nothing respectful in weighing yourself 10x a day and vomiting so you can look like the other girls. When is it okay to just be "okay" with what you weigh? I'm 5'7 and a 1/2 and a size 12 now, which on my good days seems like a victory compared to where I was. I'm healthier now than I probably ever have been, but in my mind, I still look the same. So sometimes I still eat like I'm a 16. I'm still the fattest one in my small group. I still care about this for some reason. When I was an 18/20, I'd dream of the day when I could be a 10. Now that I'm somewhat close to that, it's changed to an 8. But I know myself well enough to know that even if I was a 8, I'd never be satisfied. I wouldn't be able to change my face or my hands, I'd still be an "apple" body shape, which WebMD says is the worst.A friend recently asked me what would I have to weigh in order to be satisfied, and my answer was everything. I would literally have to lose every ounce of my body weight in order to be satisfied. Of course, the irony is that I'd be dead, because even my bones weigh something.

I'm trying to be healthier on the inside and the outside, but it is a battle most days. I feel like I'm stuck in a carnival mirror room, and I'm not sure which reflection to trust.

Facebook Ads Crack Me Up

2011-05-04T11:47:00.000-04:00

Just don't watch The Exorcist before going to your class.

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Honestly. This was the best example you could come up with???

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We all know the only smoking you'll be doing is in Hell.

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This honestly disturbs me. If you're so cheap that you have to crack open an eggshell because you don't want to buy a baby carrier, well then, I just don't know.

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Who doesn't love flute playing mice? At least, I think that's a flute...

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A) I have never seen this building in Cincinnati.

B) Even if I had, I would never PAY to step foot in it, even if it was 1/2 off the normal admission fee.

CincinnatiFun! www.groupon.com

100 Things in Cincinnati

In general, 'bypass surgery' seems like such an oxymoronic statement to me. And for some reason, this picture just makes me think that it's dancing to Flo Rida. Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low.

GastricBypass Effect $480 mini-gastric-bypass-me

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Hmmmm.

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Yes, THIS is how you spot an addict. They don't ever smile, they look like a zombie, and worst of all, they have dreads in their hair and ridiculous bangs. If only we could reach every person with bad hair for Jesus.

Help Addicts Find God christianonlineeducation.com
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What type of nurse are we talking about here? Once again, Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low.

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A) I don't think this is a real baby.
B) You shouldn't have to go to school to learn that.

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I have no words.

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wonderments and amusements part 2

2011-04-25T17:40:00.000-04:00

I tend to not brush my teeth before I run in the morning. I figure if someone is going to try and attack me, they'll have to get through my breath first.

Depression hurts. Cymbalta doesn't do jack shit.
I don't actually know this from personal experience, but I'm still willing to make it into a t-shirt.

I accidently burned my forearm trying to change the settings on my lawnmower. Then very early this morning, I accidently ripped the blister/all skin off of it. ARGH!!!! I would not suggest doing this.

I have found through personal experience, that if I have to fart, the motion of sitting down on the toliet sucks it all back up. This is frustrating. What is even more frustrating, is that as soon as I stand back up and button my pants, the urge is back and intense. Thus, I am forced to fart in my pants and then fan them out. Wwwwhhhhhhaaaa? Fan them out, you say? Um, yeah. Who knows what could happen after I walk out the bathroom door? An old lady may drop dead in front of me and I would be forced to go to drastic life saving measures, only in my effort to kneel and start pumping her heart back into motion my waistband may crease and poof, there goes my stored fart. With my butt up in the air and a thick fog lumming, I can't quite blame it on the dead lady when the paramedics arrive, now can I?

You know how in the Bible when Jesus would raise folks from the dead and he's always tell someone to get them food immediately afterwards? I kinda wonder if it was because they really were hungry or if it was just because it seemed like a tangible thing to do instead of everybody just staring at the person or asking them a million questions.

I wonder if Jesus had a fat brain. I wonder if he liked ketchup. If he preferred dark chocolate over milk choclate. If he even liked fish, or whether he just ate it because that's all he had. If every morning, manna fell from the sky for him for breakfast. I wonder if we're even concerned about food in heaven. If there is food, I'm assuming since it's heaven, there will be no food allergies, which means that I can chow down again on shellfish. And we can all drink and not get tipsy. And if we run out, we'll just find some water and change it. And all of my Baptist friends will pass out from the shock and my Catholic friends will say, "I told you so."

If He is supposed to forget our sins as far as the East is from the West, then why do people talk about being judged after we die? Because then where does the whole, "welcome, good and faithful servant" come into play? After someone we don't care for does something ignorant, do we say, "well, they'll be judged for that later" and if someone we like does something we think is grand, do we say things like, "Jesus won't forget this. You're written in his book. Some people have even served angels and not known it." Is it really that Jesus won't forget all of the bad and good things that humans have done, or is it more about the fact that we won't?

I'm much more at peace and happy than I used to be. It's not that my problems are solved, but I feel like I'm making progress to some tiny degree. And I really do believe that there is freedom in sharing your pain to a degree.

In the past 3 or 4 years, I've really begun to realize and identify safe people in my life. And I'm to the point now, where I'm okay saying that some people just aren't safe. It's not that they've evil (although at times, it may feel that way), but they're not a person who will help you along in life. Someone who constantly brings you down and/or hurts you, whether physical or emotional or financial, isn't someone to be trusted. Yes, there is forgiveness, and yes, we are supposed to love our enemies, but I don't think loving them neccesarily equals having constant contact with them. They may need time to grow, just as you may need time to heal.

Some things just belong together:
Armpits and deodrant
Joe and Deb
Bourbon and Dt Coke

Okay, I have to go pee and then give my dog a bath. Tell me you're jealous.

ta ta

a gentle offering at your feet

2011-04-11T23:44:00.003-04:00

Dear Jesus, please take these as a peace offering. I once tried to chuck them at You out of anger and frustration. I think I'm almost to the point where I'm just more interested in seeing what You want to do, as opposed to seeing how I'm involved.

There are two things that I have wanted/felt like I could do with what I have been given.
1) Was to write a daily devotional for young adults. It's more of fun thing I have wanted to do since college. It's not like it was a "word from the Lord" or something. Nothing super serious about it... I just always kinda had this silly idea that I could take all of the funny, random, ridiculous stories in my life, and apply a short life lesson to them. However, this hasn't come to fruition for about 3 reasons:
A) My story telling skills have a bit to be desired and I'm not nearly as concise as I need to be.
B) Everytime I've tried to start it, I quit because I either hate it or think everyone else would : )
C) There's really nothing funny about being depressed and angry. Or at least, I haven't found the life lesson in it yet.
2) After taking an evangelism class at church, I felt like God sorta outlined what He wanted me to do with my life. Kinda my lifeplan or vision or something. I was very torn about this. I was immediately elated and wanted to share it with everybody, but most of me was terrified of what others would think. I shared it with a couple of folks and it kinda got poo pooed on, so that was hurtful. (I'm also one of those dorky folks who are dumb enough to think that if you think God gives you an idea, you're supposed to act on it immediately. Like, wake up one morning and it just will all happen. Not a whole lot of planning. And when that doesn't happen, then I get really confused and kinda upset. Also, I tend to follow the same pattern when I quit something. Wham, bam, finito. Again, not a whole lot of planning goes into the process and I tend to just be "finished". I think partially because I think I'm supposed to be done and also because there is some level of hurt and/or sadness involved and I'd really rather not stay in the pain for longer than I have to.) It's been taped to my bedroom door for a year and a half now. I started to rip it off in anger a few months ago, but found myself unable to. Like I wasn't finished with it yet. It's weird, because I kinda moved past the idea of this vision/plan becoming a reality about a year ago. What church in their right mind would want to hire somebody like me, anyway? 99% of the time, I believe that He is real, but sometimes I just wonder if I'm talking to the stars. I run away from Him easily (although I almost feel as if I've quit running, made a u-turn and am heading back somewhere healthier... I would hardly call it a sprint, though.), my thoughts on theology are changing, I'm INCREDIBLY self-obsessed, I barely go to church anymore, I have issues with authority figures sometimes, I'm depressed, anxious and I don't believe He cares. Hardly the equation for an amazing church staff. Or attendee for that matter....

Anyway, so I'm giving these back. It feels slightly freeing, and peaceful and just like the "right" thing to do on some level. Hard to explain, but I felt that I needed to share this with or for somebody... Perhaps you will find it healing too.

The Vision. The Goal.
To love others the way that Jesus loved those around Him – Extravagantly.
With intent focus on those with special needs whether they be men or women, children, teens or adults. To search out and find those around me who are called to the same heart. To implore them on how to become leaders and be adequately trained on how best to love the ones they serve.

To make a seamless transition from unaware to seeker to Jesus follower to servant in a way that still respects their needs of communication and learning. To develop a system of specifically targeting ways for individuals with special needs to become interactive in the church body; with a special emphasis on the creative arts. (i.e.: Not just a face in the crowd. The goal is not to just have these individuals with special needs to come to church – but to understand and become “the church”)

To help the immediate church body and those particular individuals with special needs understand their worth as God sees them and their gifts.

To develop relationships with those in our surrounding communities so that we as a church might understand the needs of children, teens and adults with special needs better. In turn, so that we may serve them better.

As a small part of fulfilling this mission: Have round table discussions 1x every 3 months with the above communities. Have round table discussions 1x every 6 months with surrounding churches to share ideas, concerns, etc about how we as the “Big C” church is doing in respect to involving others with special needs.

To travel to communities, churches and schools outside of the immediate Tri-State area so that I might get a fuller picture of how to best communicate and grow those I am working with.

To set a goal of the majority of this vision to be coming into fruition in 2 to 3 years.

To remember that this is not my vision – it is God’s. These are His children and this vision is simply part of a bigger plan. That this vision is no more important or less important that anyone else’s. It exists to help edify the Body.

And to remember that this will be hard. But it will be worth it because it is God’s plan, not my own. I just have to obey.
August 26th, 2009

50 Lies That I Believe

2011-04-10T01:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Jesus, please take this heaping pile of shit and turn it into good soil.

1. Because I am not all good, I am all bad.
2. I am too ugly and/or fat to be anyone's true friend.
3. I am worthless.
4. I am nobody.
5. I have and will always be these things.
6. Because I make a mistake or miscommunicate, this means I am an idiot and terrible at what I do.
7. I am not allowed to have good things.
8. I will always be fat.
9. Even if I wasn't fat, I will always be disgusting.
10. I make people want to throw up.
11. My friends secretly hate me.
12. I do not deserve forgiveness.
13. I deserve to be punished.
14. I am a terrible person.
15. I have or will ruin any hint of a positive relationship.
16. I deserve to be left.
17. I am not allowed to make mistakes.
18. If people really knew who I was, they would hate me.
19. I embarrass everybody.
20. I am not worth fighting for.
21. I will always be like this.
22. I would be the worst parent. My children would hate me.
23. I am not allowed to think that I am pretty.
24. I am not allowed to believe that it is a good thing that I am trying to get better.
25. I am a failure.
26. I will always be a failure.
27. I will never be the wife Isaac needs me to be.
28. Because I thrive on relationships, this means that I am broken or not strong.
29. I don't enjoy being misvalued, but I believe that I should be.
30. I will die a horrible death.
31. Jesus doesn't know who the hell I am or if he does, he's not pleased at all.
32. Because I can be bitchy, that means that I am a bitch.
33. My friends only tell me nice things because they feel bad for me, not because they mean them.
34. I am beyond forgiveness.
35. No one is to be trusted fully.
36. Because I fail at something, it makes me a failure.
37. Every neighbor looks out their window when I jog and makes fun of the lazy fat girl. And wonders why I even try.
38. I do not work hard enough.
39. If I gain a pound, it's because I enjoyed my food the day before.
40. If I allow myself a treat, I have instantly gained 7-8lbs.
41. Restaurant patrons judge me and know that I went over my Weight Watcher points for the day.
42. People think about me this much.
43. That at my truest form, I am a cross between Java the Hut, the Mucinex guy and the shade of a dull grayish cream.
44. I am less than everyone around me.
45. My husband will leave me for someone better.
46. I will never be as pretty or smart or talented or desirable as the other women.
47. Everyone instantly knows this.
48. My story is a waste.
49. I am a fool.
50. Believing anything other than these things means that I am selfish, arrogant, stupid and blind.

Enneagram

2011-04-04T19:20:00.000-04:00

I took a short version (I think....) of the Riso-Hudson Enneagram a little over a year ago to find out my "type". The results make SO much more sense now than they did a year ago... Astonishing.

My top score of 30, was a Type 2: The Helper
The Helper: The Functions of Empathy and Altruism— the potential for other-directedness, thoughtfulness for others, genuine self-sacrifice, generosity, and nurturance. Negatively, the potential for intrusiveness, possessiveness, manipulation, and self-deception.

My next highest were a 19, a Type 6: The Loyalist
The Loyalist: The Functions of Trust and Perseverance— The potential for emotional bonding with others, group identification, sociability, industriousness, loyalty to others, and commitment to larger efforts. Negatively, the potential for dependency, ambivalence, rebelliousness, anxiety, and inferiority feelings.

And with just a point lower at 18, my next highest score showed me to be a Type 4: The Individualist
The Functions of Self-Awareness and Artistic Creativity— The potential for intuition, sensitivity, individualism, self-expression, and self-revelation. Negatively, the potential for self-absorption, self-consciousness, self-doubt, self-inhibition, and depression.

If you're interested, you can find your type here, http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

wonderments and amusements

2011-04-01T14:29:00.002-04:00

I have a widow's peak and a ducktail. I hate both. If I wrapped my hair in a couple of Princess Leia buns and pinned them up a few inches higher, I'd look like the love child of two Disney characters.

What is the purpose of large pores? My facial pores are okay, but I have ginormous pores on my very ghostly white legs. The legs that never tan. EVER. Because of my pores, I always look like I haven't shaved. Even when I just have. Argh.

Cassius puked up a pair of my underwear this morning. Isaac found them and cleaned it up. I asked him what pair they were. He said "gray". I said "I don't own any gray underwear." We figured he'd eaten something like that because he started puking up his food Tuesday night.

Stegman, Isaac and I watched him poop out one of my socks before. That was interesting.

I can't tell you how many pairs of underwear I've had to throw out because the dog has either eaten/puked them up or I've found him gnawing on them. Crotchless underwear aren't nearly as sexy when you know your dog made them that way.

I worked 25 hours of overtime in 5 days this week. I love, love, love my job and what I do, but I am tired, tired, tired.

I think I may have permanently demaged some relationships.

I don't want to care about church or God or a relationship with Him. But in the last few weeks a tiny little fire has begun to emerge within in. I think it's a healthy sense of justice or holy discontent or something. I would still love to believe that I can't be bothered with any of it, but I think I'm beginning to realize that that idea is impossible.

My friends Chris and Monica Human are having their Grand Opening of their new club tonight. Check it out. They are 2 of the most amazing, talented, wonderful people God ever created. You should take the time to get to know their hearts.

I watched somebody have a seizure yesterday and do a face plant into the pavement. There was no time to reach out and catch them, no bracing on their part. I thought they were dead for a couple of seconds. It really shook me up.

I still wonder why God allows kids to get cancer or children or young mothers to die, or miscarriages or why a tire comes loose from a truck and kills a 22 yr old on the other side of the interstate. Or why people have seizures.

I don't really want to die. Eternity scares me, even if it's supposed to be all glorious and wonderful. The never ending time thing throws me. It's quite a place to be, when you don't like who you are now, but you're not certain you'd like who you'd become.

I may add to this later, but I've got to go to work.... See ya.

This Makes My Heart Happy

2011-03-30T00:00:00.000-04:00

My Grandma Johnson has dementia. Her life over the past 3 years has been a slow and steady decline into a very sad state. This disease has caused my sweet, loving, neversayabadwordaboutyou grandma into someone who I do not recognize at times.

Last Thursday started off with the same questions I have been greeted with for a while now, "Who are you and are you going to take me to the bathroom?" : ) However, Grandma was awake, friendly and very talkative! (not typical) And apparently had been singing "Jesus Loves Me" all day. She has no longer recognizes herself in pictures, knows who her grandchildren are, asked me once if she was supposed to sleep under the Christmas tree and usually doesn't remember that her husband is dead, but she can remember a simple song. I think there's something to be said about when all else fails you, remembering these six simple words....

There's Something Wrong With This Picture

2011-03-25T23:15:00.001-04:00

Everybody has pet peeves. Some are silly nuances and some are legit. I have one that has flustered me since I was a kid - when churches block out the community. Example A: the church I belonged to as a child took down basketball hoops because the neighborhood kids kept playing on them and "tearing them up". Example B: Another church I used to belong to had signs in their parking lot prohibiting skateboarding.

Isaac and I passed a church sign on Monday that just lit me up. I actually drove the 45 minutes back down to Florence yesterday to take a picture of it to make sure that it actually said what I thought it did. And then I wrote an e-mail to the pastor. I honestly tried to do it in love and actually use some form of tact. I think I succeeded.

There's just so many things wrong with the whole mindset. It seems very "us against them". If there's an empty lot, why can't people park there? Why can't folks skateboard or shoot hoops? Why do we thank God for 'all He's given us', only to hoard it? In my opinion, you can have as many "Friend Days" and Revivals as you want, but if you're selective about who you invite in, then what's the point?

All that comes to mind when I see signs like that is, "You're not welcome here." How content are we to come to a building, give testimonies and praise an invisible God? A God who we like to mold into a neat little package so He fits our every need. Don't like music when you worship? We've got that covered. Think the idea of speaking in tongues is a little too cutting edge? No problem. Worried your best friend's amazing legs and short stylish haircut might make your husband lust? Cover 'em up and grow it out. Feel the need to dress up every time you go to church? Check. Hate the idea of dressing up and think that the other guys have it all wrong? Got those churches too. Afraid to have a real discussion about alcohol? Ban it. Talk about hell and sinning a lot. (And whatever you do, don't teach on John 2!) And yes Pastor, I'd love to meet you at KFC for a couple of Double Down sandwiches after the service.

It seems so often we're all about come to us, come to our special event, let me tell you what I believe... It seems so rarely that we focus on go, go, go. Wasn't that the Great Commission?

It's not that I think that going to a "church" is bad - I don't. At all. I get irate when we think that it was created for our preferences. When did church become about us, anyway?

The whole congregation of believers was united as one—one heart, one mind! They didn't even claim ownership of their own possessions. No one said, "That's mine; you can't have it." They shared everything. The apostles gave powerful witness to the resurrection of the Master Jesus, and grace was on all of them.

And so it turned out that not a person among them was needy. Those who owned fields or houses sold them and brought the price of the sale to the apostles and made an offering of it. The apostles then distributed it according to each person's need. (Taken from The Message, Acts 4: 32-35)

ramblings

2011-03-17T02:24:00.001-04:00

it's 2am. I should be in bed. but I am not. I'm on the computer using poor punctuation and spelling and grammatical errors out the ying yang. in other words, nothing too out of the ordinary.

I think I'll go jogging with cassius in the morning.

I'm no longer considered obese. Now I'm just good 'ol fashioned fat. I have 31 more lbs to lose before I would be considered healthy. It seems far away.

My friend gave me a real hug. and he didn't say anything about my chest. I nearly fainted.

I wonder a lot if it's normal or healthy or sane or just stupid to care about and love the people in my life the way that I do.

I still can't figure out how to write about my grandfather's passing. But I miss him so much. he was the only grandfather that I remember or knew cared about me.

I never realized how selfish I was until I got married. holy cow.

something interesting happened on Sunday. I had perfectly laid out plans to be lazy all day, but I couldn't sleep, went for a jog and then decided that I was too sweaty and awake at this point to go back to bed, so I went to church. it was the first week of the open series. or maybe the 2nd. I don't know. I don't really go anymore. Anyway, wanted to leap out of my skin, it was so nerve wracking. considered leaving,but got blocked in. then about 10 mins into Dave's talk, I noticed a mother and her son get up and leave. The son has some form of special need and his behavior embarrassed the mom. She appeared angry, but I know she was embarrassed, because that's the way I react when I get embarrassed. I instantly felt for her and chased them down the hallway : ) Long story short, I connected them with The Circle (service at vcc for folks with all forms of special needs) and was delighted that they took my invite to let me introduce them to the leaders. (the circle only meets at the 10:30am service on Sundays and I just happened to show up to the 10:30am VCC service) I could overhear the mother stating all of the reasons why her son would be a distraction or wouldn't fit in. They rolled off her tongue like it was something she's had to explain for the past 2 decades. several times she looked at me and mouthed "thank you" with tears in her eyes. I missed the service, but I went to church. I cannot explain the delight that rippled thru my veins. If you read my last post, you would see why this was is such a strange, yet warm feeling. I caught a glimpse of what redemptive stories are about. Definitely for the mom. Maybe for myself. maybe. My best laid plans were laid to waste Sunday morning, but something else much greater came over. I cannot fully explain this. But it's exciting. But if I talk about it too much, I'll probably get all funky and moody, cause I'm awesome like that.

okay, I had more to say, but it's almost 2:30am and I need to brush my teeth and go to bed. Night, y'all.

Man, my punctuation and grammar really do suck. You'd never believe I was a Communications major, would you? I KNOW how to communicate properly, electronic blogs and mail has just given me a reason to be super, super lazy.

oh george michael, where art thou?

2011-02-27T11:54:00.000-05:00

it's not so much that I've lost my faith, I think I'm just redefining it.

in my past history with church, I tend to get really excited after becoming involved in a particular ministry and then after a series of failures (not telling you where your tithing is going, poor leadership, fakeness, focusing solely on politics and catering to those with perceived money, pastors finding their sermons online instead of doing the work themselves, finding out the leadership are arrogant jerks - or just dare I say human?), I leave and wallow and then find a new place to worship - but never feeling completely at home - and the cycle begins again. I believe it primarily happens for two reasons: 1) I burn out fairly quickly. Apparently, it's part of being a Disseminator. You get very excited and get people on board, you believe in the mission, but you have trouble finishing things out. 2) I place very heavy emphasis on relationships and people. I think I used to get sincere respect for leadership and putting said leadership on a pedestal, mixed up. It just got all hairy, because whenever someone got knocked off this high and mighty mountain where I had placed them in my mind, I couldn't really deal with that. Sometimes I would equate church problems with problems with religion. (i have tried to make strides in recent years to amend my flawed thinking. While I don't think I lean so heavily on the pastor/leadership on a pedestal, I still need to work on the respect thing...)

but this past year has felt different. I essentially went from being moderately involved at the vineyard, to nothing. I came to a place where it just wasn't smart for me to be in leadership, even on a very small scale. I don't regret that decision. And while I don't agree with every decision leadership makes at the vineyard, and maybe even some decisions anger me (I think that's probably normal to some degree?) I don't actually have a problem with the leadership. I'm not angry with anyone at church, I think they do some amazing things and honestly seek out what God is calling them to do. I'm proud of my friends and their authenticity. It just genuinely pains me to be a part of a church right now. For a while I continued to go, either to please others or just because I thought I would eventually get out of this church funk (again, I'm not frustrated at leadership like in the previous experiences). But I never did. And it just continued to get worse. This probably won't make sense, but I cannot adequately explain the deep seeded pain that flourishes when one of my old friends/ministry partners/whoever comes up and talks to me. (this isn't about being angry or upset at anyone. The actual building does not bother me, it's the people that fill it. They remind me of someone who I used to be. Happy and content. On a mission. With a purpose.) There is deep, deep pain. When someone calls and leaves a voicemail asking if I want to be involved in something I was totally into 12-16 months ago, I forget to return their phone call for days, because I try and block it out. Eventually, I remember and send a text instead. I've asked to be taken off e-mail lists, but I keep getting them somehow. I don't even read them anymore, I just hit delete.

it's just very different now. Where there was once joy, there is deep sorrow. I think back on all of the times that I was so excited about an idea or a ministry or just Jesus, and I feel ashamed. Foolish is really the best word. Everything I have ever done in the name of Jesus or for his sake seems foolish. There are a few sacred folks who are what I would consider to be "safe". I've realized lately that I tend to pop in on said folks when I'm needing to feel safe. And on a really good and rare day, I believe that they love me.

it's not that I don't believe in God anymore. I still pray on occasion, even though when I do, everything inside me wants to scream that I'm doing something wrong, or at least something I don't really believe in or understand fully. My core beliefs never really changed. I still believe that God created the universe (although I don't really give a rat's ass whether it was in 6 literal days or 6 million years. Or if Adam got bucked off of a dinosaur. Who cares? He created it. Deal with it), that we as a human race are really screwed up, and that Jesus literally died on a cross because we as a people needed a perfect sacrifice to suck up all our shittiness. That three days later he literally rose from the dead and that he will return. That he wasn't just some nice dude, that he wasn't just a prophet, that he is part of the Trinity and that there will be no others added to that. I believe that there will be a New Heaven and a New Earth as promised, but I don't really get what that's gonna look like. (and to be honest, it's pretty far down on the list of things that I really ponder over) Eternity scares me because I cannot fathom what that even looks like. I believe that we as Christ followers are called to give away a little bit of what we believe God has provided (although I continually wrestle with whether that must go to a local church or just doing God's work. I have church money issues. I always will). That we're called to be more than a seat filler, we are called to serve others, and not for some trophy or recognition, but because I think Jesus tangibly showed creation the way to serve and then called us to do the same. These are things that I have believed and built upon for 31 years. I really wrestled with some of them in my early to mid teenage years, but I feel rather secure in these core beliefs now.

okay, so here's what I think my problem is. The cause of my great sorrow... (Please bare with me, as I've been fleshing this thing out for a while, and could be wrong or simply only partially right.) It's not that I don't believe in God, I simply have trouble believing in a god who created me in his image. It's fairly easy for me to see God moving in the lives of my friends. To see the life and truth of a living god in their breath and movement and talents. I cannot see that in myself. I think I spent so many years serving a god that I believed existed, but not convinced that he wanted me. I think I did things because they got me excited or because I could see the good they would do or because I believed I was supposed to. The later is probably the most dangerous. There's a fine line between doing something because you're told to, (ie: parent telling you not to touch the hot stove. they love you enough to not want to see you get hurt) and doing something because at your core, you believe it to be true. I spent so many years trying to please a god who I believed saved me from eternal separation from him, but who I have never really believed loved me. Or really, even liked me. How could I honestly keep serving someone who I think barely even knows or just cares that I exist? How could I keep singing worship songs to a creator who messed me up and is probably disgusted by me? It is a painful place when you realize that what you have silently feared for most of your life becomes a reality. Even if it's just your reality.

i'm tired. Exhausted, really. I'm tired of sitting in church and listening and trying to act out something because I believe I'm supposed to. I think I've viewed God as my silent business partner for years. I know all of the right things to say and do. I know there's more to faith than crazy skits, big productions, wacky youth leaders, a "cool" pastor, attendance numbers and the building that you sit in. I just want to rest for a while and figure some stuff out. I can't continue on this path. I need to re-define who I am to me and who I am to Jesus.

and lastly, to anyone who I have hurt in the past; to anyone who was weary and I didn't get it; to anyone who just needed time to flesh some things out and I didn't allow for it; to anyone who I acted like I had it all together around - I am so sorry. I am terribly sorry if I hurt you. Please forgive me.

there. Glad I got that out, it's been brewing inside me for about 6 months now...

I'm not sure what to name this post

2011-01-24T23:29:00.001-05:00

I typically say what's on my mind. People tell me they appreciate this, until of course, I say something they don't agree with or worse yet, I say something rude and very hurtful.

I feel like a blog should be to some degree, freeing. An online journal where you can openly express what you're going thru. The good, the bad, the ugly (maybe still saving some of the really ugly stuff for the closest friends). A place to speak your mind, but not necessarily bash.

However, for various reasons, I feel like I can't do that. It's not like it's somebody's fault or something, I just won't/can't do it. At least, not 100% of what I'm going through on any given day. But I am going to start blogging a bit more for me. I've always had that bent anyway, but maybe a bit more so now....

Okay, probably about 75% of you quit reading by now, so that's okay. It was getting a bit tedious anyway. Oh, and one more thing, since I'm blogging more for me, I will occasionally curse a bit more. I already curse horribly in person, so whatever. If that offends you wildly, then you probably shouldn't keep reading my blog. If it's that big of a deal, then you probably weren't reading this to hear what I was saying anyway.

I sound like I'm super negative today. I'm not. I'm just trying to lay out some stuff.

For lots of reasons, I started eating healthier again. I got a trainer at the gym, started working out 5x a week and some other stuff. In 21 days, I've lost 13.4 lbs. I'm having a good day today, so I'm choosing to celebrate this victory.

Food has been an issue for me for years. I've said it before on here; I'm an emotional eater. And the richer, sweeter, saltier it is, the better. So not only do I eat compulsively, but I eat terrible things, too. The few times that I have decided to eat better, my brain sabotages me. It tells me that I shouldn't be eating anything at all. That food is the enemy. The logical side of my brain will then kick in and remind me that it's not food that's the problem, it's the poor choices I make with food... Anyway, it becomes a very ugly battle some days. No one should ever feel guilty over eating a salad or a healthy sandwich or wrap, but I do. Not all the time, but frequently. It's beyond frustrating.

Isaac allowing me to get a trainer (at a reduced price- which btw, is still bloody expensive) has been remarkable. I meet with her once a week, and I do some of the craziest, hardest exercises, but I feel great about myself afterwards. Throughout the rest of the week, I rotate around the gym with things that I work on. Usually, it's a mix of resistance training (30-50 mins) followed by cardio (around 20-30 mins). I have HORRIBLE balance, but I did stand on the balance ball today for 5 minutes, so that felt like something. Having somebody to encourage me and knowing that I have to answer to them for a year has helped keep me motivated. Plus, there's nothing like leaving the gym dripping with sweat, knowing that I kicked major ass for 60-85 minutes. After a really good workout or if I know I have to go somewhere afterwards, I make myself a smoothie. I mix about a cup of plain fat free yogurt with a scoop of protein, dry oatmeal, a little bit of frozen fruit, usually some fresh fruit, one packet of Emergen-C, frozen cranberries, and today I threw in some spinach and broccoli. It turns out pretty big and since it's naturally sweet, my brain thinks that I'm getting a treat. Sometimes it's fun tricking myself. It also fills me up, so it takes the place of meal.

Typically I do my cardio in the movie room. That stupid place is a godsend. There's black light's everywhere, so portions of you glow, but for the most part, you're unseen. Plus, nobody's really looking at you anyway, they're watching the movie.

I am a little nervous about when the excitement of working out dulls. As a general theme in my life, I lack the ability to see very far down the road. It's genuinely difficult for me to "dream" or at least envision myself very far into the future. I have never been able to imagine myself growing old. Even planning 2 years down the road is nearly impossible. So it's also very improbable that I would be able to "see" or imagine what I would look like if I dropped x amount of weight. Not having any goals or dreams is hard. Sorta makes things bleak. I guess I'm just saying that I'm not too sure what I'm working towards weight wise. I guess I'm attempting to lose it for my own personal satisfaction, however that's the curse. No matter how much weight I lose, I will never be satisfied with the way that I look. Or sound. Or my walk. Or anything. I could lose weight, but I can't really change all of me.

I don't know, I'm rambling at this point. I will say this, just so I don't end on a sour note..... I got my first review at my job last week (I work with adults with developmental delays) and it was rather stellar. Apparently, most people's first reviews aren't scored that high, so that made me feel kinda worthy or at least respected or appreciated to a degree. It was a nice surprise to say the least.

20 Other Things You Never Cared To Know...

2010-12-13T00:56:00.000-05:00

Here's a bunch of other crap you never wanted to know about me:

I only have 1 biological cousin.

I really miss my 20's. A lot more than I thought I ever would. Oh God, I miss my 20's.

Sally Hansen Insta Dry Nail Polish is ah-mazing.

I think I pass gas more than the average gal. But most women pretend like they don't fart unless it's a pre-cursor to diarrhea. So I don't really have anyway to judge. However, my gas is nothing like my dog's. His will melt your face off.

I love my neighborhood, but I'm rather bummed that I live 30 some-odd minutes away from most of my friends. Boo.

At some point during the last few years, I lost the ability to spell. And I leave words out of sentences. My texts seem to have morphed into a guessing game. Oh how I my twenties.... See what I did there?

Isaac and I are watching Mike Birbiglia on Netflix right now. He's making it very, very hard to concentrate.

I own an orange Clemson Tigers hat. I think that's college football, maybe? I honestly don't care who they are, Isaac bought it for $4 in Myrtle Beach last October so he wouldn't fry his head. And then I stole it from him. I wear it A LOT. I think it's cute. I also pretend it matches everything. Purple, Red, other shades of Orange.... I know my friends make fun of me for it. Actually, probably everybody makes fun of me, my friends are just willing to do it to my face : )

I have always been sloppy. The night before my college graduation I was leaping over piles of stuff on the floor so I could get from my bed to my desk, which were only about 5 ft apart.... I was leaping like a lord in my graduation dress shoes... well, I should also tell you that I can't really leap, and I have NO sense of balance. None. Zero. Zilch. Anyway, back to my leaping... I misjudged my 2nd leap and landed on my back in an array of 4 yr old syllabus', misplaced homework, $300 books that the bookstore now said where worth $5 and clothes.... I thought I sprained my ankle for a hot second... anyway, so I used to be really messy. Now I'm just sorta sloppy. That's what that story was about. And no, you can never get those 5 mins back again.

I luh-uved The New Mickey Mouse Club when I was younger. I used to practice their entrance in the mirror. A LOT.

One summer I worked at The Discovery Channel warehouse. I secretly prayed over the Buddha figurines and children's Wichan "How-To" books. I knew it was stupid then and I know it's stupid now. But I still kinda don't feel that bad about it.

When my dog pants heavily, his wee wee jiggles. It makes me laugh. Just typing this made me giggle.

Isaac just told a joke using the phrase, "choking the chicken". And then he told me what choking a "chicken" means. omg. OMG.

One winter, about 11 years ago, I worked at the Olive Garden in Florence y'all. One afternoon I went into the women's bathroom and realized that someone had puked what looked to be, an entire garden salad all over the stall. I'm talking the toilet seat, all 3 walls, floor, the works. For years I told the story of the day somebody 'tossed their salad' in the Olive Garden bathroom. Only about 3 years ago did anybody inform me of what that actually meant. You know, for growing up and hanging out with the drum line and having a ton of guy friends, I feel like I got a little left out of the loop. Somebody should start filling me in on these things. Fo realises.

I really like this dog. I am uncertain of what his feelings are for me, but I dig him.

This is my friend Sean. He's always amusing, but sometimes he's just hilarious. Like pee-your-pants funny. And he has a fantastic sock collection.

I mildly manage a comedy troupe. I simply adore those boys.

Do you have that one piece of furniture in your house that is very simple, but you just love it for no real reason? When we moved into our house, the living room had the ugliest ceiling fan.The lamp covering was an off white porcelain creation with what appeared to be a college graduation tassel attached to it. Thanks to the Home Depot and my father-in-law, it has been replaced with a beautifully simple and elegant black ceiling fan. It's something I use everyday. And I heart it. And apparently, I have no pictures of the said fan. dang it.

There is no bad time for ice cream.

I really miss my grandpa.

Update #2

2010-12-08T19:48:00.001-05:00

Click here if you're still interested reading about my journeys thru Nigeria...

Click here if you're not : )

Africa

2010-12-03T14:12:00.000-05:00

It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since Isaac and I set foot in American soil after spending 9 days in Nigeria. Instead of bombarding folks with info and pictures, I've decided to try and break each day up into a blog entry. Disclaimer - The first one is pretty boring, mainly because it deals with the flight and the few short hours we were in Abuja. 97% of which was spent sleeping : )

You can follow the blog here.

what the hey hey is wrong with a hug?

2010-11-19T13:28:00.001-05:00

I love hugs. I love to give them. I love to receive them. To me, a hug exemplifies the characteristics of the best of the human race. It knows no language barrier. It can console, express gratitude, love, lust, friendship, mend broken relationships and is the simplest way to say "I'm glad you're in my life" or "I've missed you" - even if you just saw them that morning. A hug can say so much, without ever having said a word.

However, something seems to happen to hugs once a person enters into marriage. I am uncertain of it's origin or what seems to break in a man's mind, but something overpowers a male's sense of reality and logic in the hug-giving realm. Let me give you an example.

I have a good guy friend that I have known for years and years. I knew this person before they got married and have been good friends with their wife for ages. We used to hug all of the time. Like, full on hugs. Nothing was weird about it. I didn't think, "Hey, he's single, I'm single, I bet this hug means something..." I took it for what it was - an expression of our friendship. But suddenly, after my friends got married, there were no more legit hugs. I would go in for one, only to be swooped to the side for the dreaded side hug. Nothing says "oh, you're awkward" more than the side hug. I hate them. But worst of all, when I inquired about the sudden dissing of our friendship hugs, I was told it was because of my chest. WHAT?!?!?!?! WHAAAAA?!?!?!?! Seriously?????? The chest that I've had for almost 2 decades, the one that did not develop the moment you said your "I do's". UGH. And then I began to see it - the paradigm was shifting between good friends who were now married. It seems that everywhere I looked, a secret man-code had been exchanged.

Back when we were all single, I never thought that giving any of my guy friends a hug was something dirty. So why is it now that we're married? I have good guy friends, I mean good friends, some of whom I would consider to be like family, who will not give me a real hug. It's depressing. When I hug my girl friends, I never think, 'hmm, I wonder if they're a lesbian?" So why should it be any different with a man? Because honestly, the way that I hug Isaac is TOTALLY different than the way I hug anyone else. It lingers. I smell his shirt, I kiss his neck. He holds me.

The downfall of the American "real hug" has seriously has been bugging me for years. I've been wanting to write about it for months. To be able to freely say that there is nothing wrong with me or my chest. In lieu of my annoyances with my guy friends, I've created a short list of weird hugs that exist. So just man-up and give me a real hug, dang it.

* The Rodeo- This refers to one of the many hugs that you don't ever see coming. Here's how it works- you're on your way into another room, you're brushing past people when suddenly, in one swift pivoting motion, an arm becomes interlocked with your Adam's Apple and your back is thrust into the rib cage of of one of your closest man buddies. Very similar to the way police men catch alligators on Discovery Channel or the way animal control captures stray dogs. It's like a backwards real hug. It's confusing, but somehow you're still thankful for it.
* Shaken, Not Stirred- This is a creepy kind of hug. Could be instigated by a man or women. It's a full on hug, but with a death grip and lots of bouncing and/or shaking. It's like being stuck in the blender of all hugs. It's awkward and you want a drink afterwards.
* Humpty Dump- You see this a lot at sporting arenas. Typically occurs after a big win. Grown men will run and literally leap with all of their nasty sweatiness onto another man's back or neck. Sometimes even their chest. It all simply depends on the way the person is facing. It's a domino effect, with the whole team soon joining into this celebration with loud cheers and eventually jumping. It's a weird entanglement of hormones and Leap Frog and Tone Loc and Barrel of Monkeys. Usually followed by showering together.
* Side Hug- The deceiver of all hugs. It says, "I like you, but I don't want my wife to see me hugging you". Can be done as a pass by, a swift motion that leaves the hugged stunned for a moment, since they were unaware it was even coming. I consider this to be the most insulting hug, since it seems to say that a real hug would mean something dirty.
* Oops, I Did It Again Hug- Typically occurs at large family functions or reunions of sorts. You're passing out hugs like candy to a fat kid, when you realize in your moment of bliss, you hugged the one person you can't stand. Could be similar to flipping off your Grandma, you're not sure how to take it back.
* Pillow Talk- When someone of short stature walks up to you and buries their head in your chest multiple times until they find a comfortable spot. Had this happen to me recently. A-W-K-W-A-R-D.
* The County Fair- You've seen this technique at fairgrounds when individuals leap after pigs and goats in order to capture them. Most frequently found at large parties when someone comes from behind, captures you, covers your eyes and yells, "Guess Wwwwwwhhhhhhhhhooooo??????"
* Karaoke Choke Hold- Could also be referred to as the Drunk Chic Hug. Usually happens after one of more people become inebriated and decide that singing old '80's hits into a microphone will cure their ill. Upon completion of song or songs, one arm is swung from behind and wrapped across an unsuspecting friend's neck. Must be followed by a white-knuckle choke hold on the person and a good shake-down. May or may not be followed by a kiss on the cheek and one or more, "I love you man(s)".

leaving on a jet plane....

2010-11-04T21:29:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow Isaac and I are boarding several planes on our way to Nigeria. If you don't have any idea on what I'm talking about, just click here and maybe it'll help clarify a bit.

For those of you who are interested in following our journey while we're there, check out this blog. I don't know exactly how often it'll be updated by the leaders, but well, here ya go.

Wish us well.

tiny little update

2010-10-22T12:55:00.002-04:00

Just a tiny little update from my other blog.

embarrassment + residents + a snap back to reality

2010-10-10T23:35:00.001-04:00

I work a silly amount of hours on Saturdays and I like to complain about it. But I also like being off 3 days a week, so it's a bit tongue in cheek... Regardless, I dig my job. I have been given the opportunity to work with some very talented, very smart, very funny individuals. One of the bonuses of my position is that I get a chance to find cool recreational activities for the residents to attend. I try really hard to search out things that I know are safe and enjoyable and affordable, but aren't solely catered to folks with special needs....Just over a year ago, one of my buddy's decided to make a little movie and it turned out to be just freaking hilarious. Isaac played a fairly big part behind the scenes and was delightful as the deputy in the film. Anywoo, the movie debuted last night at the Hollywood Casino in Lawrenceburg, IN. Two of my residents wanted to attend, so we ventured on over to watch the show.

Both make friends fairly easily, so it wasn't totally cool with them for me to be sitting cheek to cheek during the film. Understandable, so I sat a couple rows back with my Isaac and my in-laws. All was well until about 1/2 way thru, one started laughing really, really loud and repeating his favorite lines. During some rather tense scenes, one of the other residents shouted out, "2 Kings!??!" and several "Oh no's!"..... Stuff like that usually doesn't bother me, but for some reason it really did last night. I got all embarrassed and Isaac just kept reassuring me they were fine. After the movie ended, there was a Q&A session with the director and one of my guys asked what seemed to me, a couple of "embarrassing questions". I was mortified. Every muscle in my body was tense. And then to top it all off, from the time we hit the escalators to the parking garage, he reenacted his favorite scene, which just happened to be a dirty dance, in front of several hundred people. Each time shouting, "and then he did this to that handicapped lady!" Holy shit.

Thankfully, on the 45 minute drive home, I had some time to think about my actions. I decided I was embarrassed for 2 main reasons:
1) It was my buddy's night. He and a slew of others have worked tirelessly on this project and I didn't want anything to overshadow that.
2) I really, truly love the residents that I work with in that house. I'm lucky enough to work with some of the coolest people on the planet. Sometimes they annoy me. Sometimes the choices that they make anger me. But I love their hearts and I very desperately want others to see how amazing they are. Most of the residents that I work with are aware that they have some form of disability, but I am confident that they don't see themselves as disabled. It's actually quite interesting, because I've had the opportunity to converse with a few of them on the way they few "the handicapped" - aka people who have very defined physical disability. To some of my residents, there is pity thrown because to them, the other person's handicap is very tangible, very defined - you can see that there is something different. I don't really think that my guys connect with someone who's disability differs from theirs. ( I think that's why my residents didn't get upset with the scene with the woman in the wheelchair) For the most part, they don't see themselves as broken (nor should they) or delayed in some areas. I think one of the biggest fears that I have for my guys is that other "typical" individuals would walk away saying things like, "Those disabled folks sure said some crazy things". Even though I get that they have a developmental disability, I never want that to trump the truth that they're a human first, and ridiculously witty and intelligent.

And honestly, my guy asked the questions he did during the Q&A session because to him, he really was concerned about those issues. And I didn't take them to see the movie because I thought they'd appreciate the budget or what type of camera was used. I took the both of them because they like to laugh. And my friends are funny. He reenacted the dance scene because he thought it was hilarious. She said "Oh no" and "2 Kings!", not because she's a master poker player, but because she's smart enough to pick up on the cues that something tense or dangerous or uncertain is about to happen. Before we had even left the ballroom, my guy was asking when he could see it next because "it was so, so, so funny!" and the director is "his boy". (I always forget that this is the residents term of endearment for him)

Shame on me for being embarrassed when I was the one who invited them. Shame on me for dishonoring them by being more concerned with what others thought instead of focusing on the fact that they were enjoying a really good flick. Shame on me for slipping up and for viewing them as someone with a disability instead of the seeing them for who they are. Clearly, I still have a way's to go.

the dog who wouldn't stop puking

2010-09-14T11:09:00.001-04:00

This is my dog/child. His name is Cassiuss Clay Kevin Stambaugh. I used to joke that he was Catholic because all of the Catholic parents I knew growing up adorned their kids with really long names. But then I met the Boyds. And they're not Catholic.

I think it would be funny if I named my next dog, Pope. Pope John Mary Katherine. Then people wouldn't have to wonder if it was Catholic or not. Although they might wonder about something else.

Anywoo, Cassius had surgery to remove a growth on his leg. After popping a couple of the stitches out, the vet gave us a much larger cone. (and for only $27.99! what a deal...) The last cone made Cash look like he got stuck in a lampshade. But this new baby is a satellite dish. Anyway, on with the story... so because of the much larger cone, we could no longer put him in his cage when we were gone - he just won't fit - so we left him out. We had been doing this for about a week and a 1/2 and we were SO, SO, SO impressed that he hadn't destroyed the house. Then about 3:45am last Thursday night, Isaac and I were awoken to the sounds of vomitish noises. Isaac cleaned it up and we all went back to bed. Then about an 1 1/2 hr later, it happened again. Puke on the bedroom floor. My mind immediately raced to this goofy dog and I started getting nervous. Friday swung around and things seemed good until about 5am Friday night/Saturday morning. The puke. It was back. On our bedroom floor. I had to go to work fairly shortly after that, but the whole drive I just kept praying to the sweet Lord Jesus that Cash didn't eat a nut he wasn't supposed to (our backyard is nothing but hazelnuts) because we can't afford to keep sending him to the vet. I got to work and started checking out what the interest rates were on our credit cards, etc.... Then I got a text from Isaac. It made no sense. How could it be? I decided to call to get all of the details.

Turns out, after I left for work, Cash puked AGAIN in the bedroom (4x combines total). Isaac let him outside. Later on, Isaac happened to catch him playing/eating something. Turns out the dog had puked outside too. What did he puke up, you ask? Wait for it.... Wait for it... a whole pair of my underwear. Isaac said by the looks of it, it had been in there a couple of days. Isaac and I were amazed/disgusted and hung up. Then I got another text from Isaac that read - "And a sock too!". Turns out the dog puked a 4x time that morning (Running tally: 6x total) and this time he puked up a sock. Mind you, this is the 2nd sock he's puked up in 2 weeks. So all of this time we thought he was doing so well while we were gone, he was simply grazing on our laundry. Unbelievable.

been doing a little thinking

2010-09-09T02:45:00.002-04:00

While driving tonight, I was creating a mental checklist of things that would make my marriage "perfect". Mmm, maybe that's not the correct term. Regardless, if I was living in a "perfect world" and I had a "perfect husband" and a "perfect marriage", what would that look like?.... a few things came to mind, but one that stood out, was that Isaac would be proud of me. And then the idea came rushing thru..... Do I give him anything to be proud of? Am I the type of wife/person/human that he can be satisfied with? I very desperately want him to be pleased with my so-called "accomplishments". But more than that, I just want him to be proud of me. Of who I actually am, inside and out.

Another thought... one that I've been chewing on for about a week now.... I think I'm in small group right now soley for the community aspect. I need people around me who I believe actually care for me. When I'm at my ugliest, they're there. There's really only a sacred few with whom I share the most ugly portions with, but for the most part, I know that I'm surrounded by 10-11 people who give a rip. I'm not really in small group so I can "grow in Christ". That may change in the future, but at this point in the game, I'm just there for the people. Maybe that's selfish. Maybe that's part of the evolution of the group. Maybe that makes me the weak member. But I'm not convinced that attending the small group simply for the aspect of community is wrong. At least not tonight.

20 randomly weird, silly things about me

2010-09-07T00:10:00.001-04:00

Here's some random facts that I've discovered about myself in the past few years.... feel free not to read, they're silly.

1) As much as I want to be "independent" and my own person with my own likes/dislikes, I've realized that I enjoy many of the same foods as my dad. We even order the same meal sometimes. And I heart Diet Coke and m&m's with the same ferociousness as my mother. We stand alike. We both leave 30 minute long voicemails... We when stress out, sometimes our bodies react the same way.

2) I constantly scan FM radio stations. I do not drive without the radio on. (although in the past 1-2yrs I have tried to every few weeks, turn off the radio and talk to Jesus) If a Foreigner, Maroon 5 or James Taylor song comes on, I will stop and listen. I will always listen to "Eye of the Tiger". Honest to goodness.

3) There's some artists that I like, but I can't listen to without commentary. For example,
     John Mayer - Man, he seems like a douchebag
     Jason Mraz - His first cd was sooo much better than the second one. I really like the first one... He wears funny hats. You know who else's first cd was better than the second one? Jars of Clay. yeah.

4) I think people who solely listen to AM radio are closed minded and silly. Go ahead and judge me, I just judged you.

5) I never make my bed unless I know someone is coming over. There is no point in making my bed when I'm the only one who sees it every day. Why would I spend 5 minutes making it and 3 minutes tearing it apart every night? That's 8 minutes that I can't get back every day. And since I'm always running late, those minutes are precious. (I also heard that people who don't make their bed get less dust mites. I'll be honest, that's not the reason I don't make my bed, but it makes me feel better about it)

6) I make the ugliest chocolate chip cookies ever. They're as flat as a 4th grade girl.

7) Dark chocolate speaks to me. It's just SO MUCH BETTER.

8) I hate spiders the way that Carrie Prejean hates filling out padgent applications truthfully.

9) I won't make brownies anymore without chocolate chips in them.

10)

I have a crush on almost any long-sleeved plaid shirt. I think I always have. If it's a Blue or Purple plaid shirt, my heart skips a beat. Every 3-4 years I find a good plaid shirt. I recently found one at Wally World for $12. When I wear it, I feel cute and giggly. It has flowers on the inside of the collar and fits well. The only thing it's missing is snap buttons.
Side Confession: There's a whole row of long sleeved men's plaid shirts in Target. I walk by that section every time I'm in the store and just drool. And some of them have the snap buttons. Extra drool.

11) Talking theology with Isaac in the dark is kinda sexy.

12) I have always kinda hated games. However, there's a Bingo hall when you turn into my neighborhood and I'm looking for someone to go with me.

13) Football season means lazy Sunday afternoons with Isaac. It also means a big pot of chili and grilled cheeses made in the George Forman. And hoodies and pajama bottoms and blankets.

14) I have 2 birthmarks on my neck. And then to add insult to injury, I developed 3 freckles right in a row. I also have man hands and ex-large nostrils. I hate all of these things.

15) If I had the money, I'd change my hair every 2 months. I have no patience with it.

16) I'm rarely satisfied.

17) Cookouts are probably one of my favorite ways to spend time with friends. Even our wedding reception was a catered cookout and pies and cornhole. Down home fun.

18) If I'm in a large body of water, I will pee in it. I've actually begun doing this so much, I have to concentrate on not peeing in pools. I just grossed you out, didn't I?

19) Blues Brothers and the old Star Wars (and maybe the Lord of the Rings Trilogy) are the perfect movies any time of the day. The Breakfast Club is the perfect Saturday morning movie to wake up to.

20) Music speaks to me in ways that books just never will. There were many artists, (but mainly The Newsboys) whose music genuinely changed (or at least challenged) my thinking about God and life during my teen and college years. I would assume artists of any genre would desire their work to cause consumers to think about such things.

Life changing information, right? : ) So what are some of your silly things about yourself? And who's going to drive to Springfield Township and play Bingo with me????

saying good-bye

2010-09-03T06:08:00.014-04:00

14 years ago, my mom and brother brought home the cutest puppy from the pound. The story is that a police officer found her in a dumpster. Who really knows if that story was a sham or not, but it worked, regardless. My brother named our new dog, Lucy. Dad renamed her Lucy Lee Skank Wilder. (somebody please tell me you remember the Gold Star commericals with "skank" as the star???)

Lucy hasn't been doing so hot these past few years. She's blind as a bat, old, angry and has selective hearing. She's an old man wrapped up into a 30lb frame with fur. The vet recently discovered she has a giant tumor which has been causing her pain and the loss of mobility. Lots of other terribly crappy things too, but the point is, at 3:30pm this afternoon, my parents are taking her to be put to sleep. The vet says it's the best thing. Dang it, I'm crying. Death sucks, even if it's just a dog.

Lucy and Dad were besties. Mainly because she thought his jokes were HILARIOUS.

Lucy was a big fan of the holidays.

She could touch her tongue to her nose. So, so talented.

In her prime.

In the past 5 years, that dog's breath could make the hair
on Isaac's back stand up. But she still had all of her real teeth.

her facebook profile pic.

We're smiling, but Lucy is obviously eyeing our leftovers.

She loved Super Bowl Sundays.

Lucy and the bug both dying. I thought it was poetic.

And lame. But this is my blog so I'll post what I want to.

Lucy always hated Cassius.

Grandma Wilder came over to say goodbye.

My brother John is holding Lucy.

I told them to smile. Grandma said there was nothing to smile about,

then immediately began laughing at her own non-joke.

She does that a lot. And I love her for it.

My final pic with Lucy. Nevermind my neck rolls. ew.

I'll miss you, Lucy.

just wonderin'

2010-09-02T00:22:00.002-04:00

Cash typically meets me in the front yard when I get home at night. Our routine goes a little like this:
* I park my car in the street and say hello to the dog by name.
* Cash then proceeds to crouch down and/or hide in the bushes.
* Obviously, I see him do all of this. But I play along and call out his name like I can't see him btwn what have to be, the ugliest bushes known to man.
* He then leaps out and greets me with a kiss/slobber fest, a few scratches (dog has claws like a raptor) and about 12 laps around the yard with a toy or stick in his mouth.

This is our routine and I love it. I never question Cash's love for me. Even when he hurts me, I know he did it on accident. He forgives and forgets very quickly.

And that's proof why Dogs are Jesus is disguise and Cats are selfish beasts from Satan. The End.
Just kidding. Sit down, Julee. Although, Dog spelled backwards is God... Just saying....

Anyway, back to my story... tonight I realized something. Cash is content in his own yard. His tiny, little fenced in yard. He doesn't seem to notice the most random, hideous tree. The tree that I would love to cut down one day... He doesn't seem to care that his front yard is decorated with 1/2 dead bushes. Bushes that were, I'm certain, disgustingly disfigured even before we moved in. Or the giant dirt pile that looks like we buried a body there. Cash is happy within his own fence. Maybe it's because he's never really lived anywhere else before. Maybe it's because he's grateful for what he's got. Maybe he just doesn't know any better.

I haven't fully digested this yet.... It just struck me as interesting.

aftermath

2010-08-31T00:48:00.005-04:00

had a cookout the other day for some friends and people I hadn't met yet (neighbors). Isaac and I worked tirelessly for several days to achieve the look of a clean house. But Sunday at 4pm, it actually was clean. It was soooooo beautiful. spotless, almost. all of the food had been prepared and carried outside in fun dishes.

and then people left. and in an instant, my kitchen morphed back. and there was deep sorrow.

how to love me

2010-08-19T14:04:00.004-04:00

I haven't really bragged on him in a long while. But Isaac deserves some credit. He has been just perfect this week. He was exactly what I needed when I needed it.

Sunday - didn't do squat. Haven't had a day like that in um, well let's see.... forever. On my way home from church, Isaac called to say that he had picked up Chipotle for me. Side Note-Most of my emotions revolve around food. It is my number one love language, I'm fairly confident.... Anywoo, it was thoughtful and sweet. We just sat around munching on delicious burritos, played with Cassius, watched movies, walked around Wal-Mart and then went to Waffle House. All the silly, plain jane things we did while we were dating. But it was nice and relaxing and we had real conversations about life and each other. It was just perfect. Dumb crap like that woos me.

Tuesday - BAD day at work. B-A-D. anger. stress. argh. argh. ARGH. Isaac's almost always in bed when I get home now, because we're on opposite shifts, but he heard about what a bad day I was having and told me he'd stay up. Because of paperwork, I ended up leaving late and didn't get home until almost midnight, but there he was, sitting on the couch waiting for me. The man stayed up until 1am listening to me moan and complain and playing with my hair. He didn't try and fix the situation, complain about what I did wrong... that made my week.

Wednesday - Every once in a while I get more needy than I already am and I typically will blow up his phone. Not seeing each other for days at a time makes it a little more necessary, but whatever... Anyway, he picked his phone a lot and answered all of my questions and didn't relay to me how annoyed he was that I kept calling.

Thursday - Isaac waited until super late in the morning to call me so he didn't wake me up... and then asked me if I wanted to meet for lunch. Remember food being my number one love language?

I doubt any of you have made it this far, but I didn't really write it for you anyway.
This week no one complained about the dishes or the clothes or the dog. It's been pretty simple and my days may seem silly and dumb, but to me they were priceless.

ps- and he stood up for me via facebook on something. I hadn't even brought it up to him. It's kinda cool when your friends stand up for you, but it's flippin awesome when your husband does.

Things Cassius Loves

2010-08-04T11:17:00.011-04:00

his rabbit

his favorite pot

licking my leg (let's be honest - who doesn't?)

our welcome mat

his duck

eating our shed door. he literally ATE it apart.

urinating in the same spot every day so that our grass dies in the front yard

tilling the ground in the backyard so that our grass dies.

chewing off 3/4 of the air conditioning drain pipe so

he doesn't have to bend over to get a drink (see far left)

restoration

2010-07-23T16:55:00.000-04:00

Last week at work, some of my co-workers threw a party in honor of two residents rekindling their friendship. It had been marred in the past by hurtful comments and missteps, but thru the guidance of a few staff, the resident’s friendship is in the process of being restored. So the community rejoiced and there was a party. It was chop full of bad karaoke, dancing and of course, cornhole, but it was so much fun. I went home from work that night happy.

I have to believe our Heavenly Dad is in the process of restoring broken messed up relationships. That’s He’s probably not too grand on the concept of us staying put in our self-indulged ideals and tattered hearts. I mean really, the Bible is basically one tangled web of stories about a messy dance between the Creator and the Created – with the latter constantly stepping on toes as we very desperately try to take the lead. And for as many stories there are of broken, messed up individuals, there’s just as many of God the healer, the restorer, the rescuer. He’s a jealous God. Maybe that’s why he fights so hard for the restoration of his family.

part 2: these shorts were made for walking

2010-07-19T23:14:00.000-04:00

Part Deux: I sent myself this photo of Cash on our walk last Thursday. It just arrived in my e-mail. I feel like the Pony Express wouldn't have failed me as much as AT&T has lately.....

ps -check out his tongue. if there was ever a KISS cover band made up of dogs, Cash would be Gene Simmons paws down.

Part Un: Cash needed some quality time today, so this morning he and I went on a little run thru the neighborhood. Except, after about 4 feet, I quickly realized that my new shorts weren't up for the task. Apparently I bought them a little too big...

So we walked for 1.7 miles. It took us roughly about 50 minutes, so it was kinda of a slow walk, but I was sweating so much, I didn't care. In that mile I lost 1lb in water weight. That seems silly to me. I also carried Cash's poo in a bag for about 97% of the trip. About a mile into the journey Cash got really sleepy and found a nice yard in the shade to take a nap in. It took a while, but I convinced him to get back up.

Then I had pizza and 3/4 of an ale for lunch.

walked down the aisle to this song

2010-07-18T23:48:00.002-04:00

these shorts were made for walking

2010-07-16T01:02:00.006-04:00

So we walked for 1.7 miles. It took us roughly about 50 minutes, so it was kinda of a slow walk, but I was sweating so much, I didn't care. In that mile I lost 1lb in water weight. That seems silly to me. I also carried Cash's poo in a bag for about 97% of the trip. About a mile into the journey Cash got really sleepy and found a nice yard in the shade to take a nap in. It took a while, but I convinced him to get back up.

Then I had pizza and 3/4 of an ale for lunch.

photos that make me laugh

2010-07-11T10:02:00.009-04:00

Oh tom foolery. My grandma made me that jacket. It has road signs all over it. It's hard to wrap one's mind around how stylish I looked in 6th grade.

This is the year that I dressed up like a prostitute for Halloween. I remember that I cut up an old t-shirt and wore a peach (flesh-colored) turtleneck under it. And lots of accessories. And my fav hat and leggings. And a skirt that almost came down to my knees. I'm not sure if I knew what a prostitute was back then.

Actually, I just really like this photo. At our old house in Burlington. About 27 years ago...

I don't ever remember Winnie the Pooh being so ugly.

My mom made us matching Christmas sweatshirts. Yeah, you can be jealous of the hat. HA!

My brother looks like a beaver here.

my foot. my foot. my foot is on fire.

2010-07-10T23:46:00.004-04:00

just going to mention how sad I am that out of the 3 people that read my blog, only one of you responded to my stupid prayers post...

Nearer God to Thee suddenly popped into my head...

my foot is asleep

not that many people entered the contest to name QCP's fanbase. more than slightly bummed.

apparently gray hair has been hiding out in the back of my head for a while now. anger.

my foot is still asleep

it's flipping cold in here

Isaac's editing his movie. I have a feeling he'll be doing this for a while.

I accidentally signed myself up to work 21 days in a row. so, so dumb.

trying to wake my foot up

despicable me is so cute. I loved it.

I also love annie murphy. and debbie boyd. and julee cifani. and jess docherty. and jessie stegman.

I think I will try and convince Isaac to go eat at Brotherton's tomorrow. The veggie omelet is beyond delicious

my foot is kinda starting to hurt now.

I miss my sister-in-laws...

I may go and watch some snl in bed now

GOAL!

2010-07-05T10:56:00.000-04:00

lessons and a little more switchfoot

2010-07-04T14:06:00.004-04:00

Things I have learned in the past 30 years...

1) Money will not make me happy. It just makes me comfortable for a bit.

2) Taking a job based off of a salary is stupid. See #1.

3) Finding something that you're passionate about and actually being able do it is exhilarating.

4) Truly loving people is hard and stressful. I am not really good at it yet.

5) Just because you're passionate about something doesn't mean you excel at it. See #4.

6) I tend to learn lessons and then immediately forget them because the situation has changed.

7) I am always surprised by my own stupidity.

Below is one of my new favorite songs. That jon foreman, he's a smart man.

ps- I personally hate the fake videos with lyrics, but there's apparently not a "real" music video out yet and I'm not intelligent enough to figure out how to shrink the video done and make it stay, so all you hear is the music....

Switchfoot - Your Love is A Song

2010-07-02T23:31:00.001-04:00

Pretend that you don't see rows of polite white people "jamming out" in the front. And that Gospel Music Channel's logo isn't really a "g" with halo.... now, you can throughly enjoy this fantastic song.

stupid prayers

2010-06-21T10:57:00.004-04:00

Praying is one of those things that I'm not exceptionally good at, mainly because I don't do it a whole lot. Partly because my brain works on super sonic and I am constantly going off on rabbit trails, and partly because I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy and I'm just talking to myself...

Regardless, I overall think God cares and He does some pretty insane stuff when we actually just take the time to just talk to Him.

I'm fairly confident that He wants more from me than just a basic one liner.

"Please help so and so."

"I don't remember if I turned my stove off. Please don't let my house burn down." (okay, so that was 2 lines)

"Please let that man get home safely."

"Dear Jesus, I didn't check the toilet a second time after I flushed. Please don't let there be a turd in there. It wasn't there the first time, but please don't let it magically reappear...." (have I mentioned that I'm OCD with toilets outside of my household? I only check 2 or 3 times, not like those nutjobs that check 4x....)

"Please don't let there be anybody in my shower. Please, no one in my shower." (I'm also OCD with checking any shower that I'm near. If I've been to your house, I've checked your shower for crazies. You're welcome.)

Actually, I was going to write about stupid prayers I used to pray, but after looking at this list, it appears that I'm still requesting ridiculous things... hmm... For the record, when I was much younger, I earnestly prayed that when I grew up that I would be funny. I thought my dad was really clever, I wanted to be like him. I have also prayed on multiple occasions during my high school and college years that Jesus would come back before a particularly large exam. And if He choose not to, that he would at least erase my answers and put them in the right order. You think I'm kidding. I am not. If the man can feed 5,000 dudes with fish and chips, he can make a miracle out of my lack of studying....

Somehow I bet that God actually wants to have a conversation. And sometimes even instigate one. But then I wonder why when I cry out to him in full agony over someone or something or whatever, does it feel like he doesn't always answer? Where is the big conversation then? The quiet kills. I don't think he loves it when I go thru phases of not speaking to him. If I had a guess, I would vote it pains him a little. I don't think any loving parent would get off on their kid not talking to them. But sometimes it just numbs the pain - if only for a little while.

Well, that took a turn for the downers. So, what are some stupid prayers you've prayed?

Hold Us Together

2010-06-12T22:18:00.001-04:00

there's no offical video for this song that I can find.... but just shut your eyes and listen.

then lay back and smile.

i love this song.

sometimes I feel like....

2010-06-11T22:24:00.002-04:00

The sounds of rustling and clanking had reached their ears long before they entered this room. Now the Prince could see the source. Hundreds of men and women, mostly older than thirty, though there were a handful of teenagers and younger children, sat shackled on battered metal chairs. Their faces were masked by rusty helmets clamped down on their heads, with iron visors that covered their eyes. They were in neat semi-circular rows, radiating out from a small, black stage in the center point, where a light from somewhere high above beamed straight down on the only occupant of the stage.

He was a short, bent over old man, with a white beard and mostly bald scalp, a shock of white hair standing out on either side of his head, just above his ears. He wore a voluminous black velvet robe, which he constantly fiddled with and folded around his body, seemingly never comfortable with the arrangement of his limbs, or the covering of them. There was a low, grumbling hum coming from within those folds, like the drone of some ancient chant music. Beside the overstuffed chair on which he sat, a precarious stack of books, magazines, and newspapers threatened to topple over onto him. He was reading aloud.

Stephen and the Prince watched from the shadowy recesses near the entrance to the lobby. They saw no guards. No other people of any kind. Just the old man and the prisoners.

"From what I can tell, this project started - according to the time of the Lower Days - about three weeks ago. As long as he reads," Stephen whispered, "the people forget about their chains, and don't seem to mind their blindness - " Loud cheers went up from the crowd just then , as if they were watching their favorite sporting event. Some laughed. Some sat quietly, grinning.

Stephen continued. "However, once a story ends, they all begin to weep and moan, panic and scream until the storyteller begins again. This goes on, night and day, with no breaks that I that have witnesses. If they fall asleep, they sleep sitting up. On rare occasions, and on no regular schedule that I can discern, they are brought very meager provisions. New 'listeners' are added every day."

The Prince spotted Luke sitting between two elderly women. He was the only child on that side of the room, though he now looked more like a teenager than a seven-year-old. He sniggered at the current tale being told.

"I was able to speak to him briefly before he was imprisoned. He thinks he was supposed to come here," Stephen whispered. "Something he researched, he said. He believes that he was meant to come here and save these people, though he would not tell me how. I gathered he considered himself some hero-not-yet-come. But now he is just here, addicted to the stories like the others." Stephen's mouth curled the word stories, like he had bitten into a rotten orange- something meant to be good and sweet, but turned to bitter mush. "He weeps loudly between readings and I can feel how he longs for his home in the Upper Kingdom, but he can't break his chains.... then he forgets his pain once the next story begins."

"Has he ever even tried to call for help?" The Prince turned to face the messenger.

"No, he is too ashamed. Too afraid to say your name here. And most of the time, he doesn't even remember your name. The storyteller's voice strangles his thoughts and clouds his mind. I've tried to speak to him, but he doesn't hear me during the stories. And between readings, it's almost impossible to get his attention, no matter how loudly I speak." The messenger's gaze settled on Luke's visored eyes.

"The more he ages, the more he will forget about me and the Upper Kingdom. Now is the time to rescue him, before it's too late." The Prince watched the storyteller turning one of the last few pages of the book that was in his hand. "When the story ends, do all that you can to delay the storyteller from beginning the next book."

"Your commands are my delight!" Stephen dashed toward the storyteller, shouting the battle cry of the messengers: "For the King and his Prince!" The storyteller had just opened his mouth to say "The End" when Stephen reached the stage. Unseen, the messenger thrust his golden sword entirely through the giant pile of books and papers waiting to be read.

A terrible chaos filled the giant chamber. The prisoners wept and yelled in agony, without the distraction of a story. The Prince rushed toward Luke, unlatched the heavy helmet, and dropped it to the ground with a clank. Luke blinked his eyes, squinting at the brightness of the light. As his eyes adjusted, he burst into tears before the face of the Prince.

"Say the word, Luke! Say the word!" pleaded the Prince, turning Luke's head toward him.

Luke wept uncontrollably, unable to speak through his tears.

Puzzled and increasingly frustrated, the old storyteller clawed at the stack of books, trying to retrieve just one.

"Luke!" The Prince's tone grew more urgent.

"I... I... I'm sorry!... I'm sorry," Luke spluttered, shutting his eyes tight.

The Prince leaned close to the boy, his mouth just by his ear. "Say the word," he said, in a voice that only Luke could hear.

Luke's sobs slowed. He mustered a deep breath. "Help me, my.... Prince!"

His shackles broke loose.

excerpt taken from (probably illegally) between two kingdoms by: joe boyd

U2 - Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own (Acoustic Couch Mix)

2010-06-06T19:24:00.001-04:00

Didn't remember that I had this song saved to my computer until the other day. Forgot how good it was.

Anberlin - Feel Good Drag

2010-06-03T13:22:00.001-04:00

The Zone used to play a lot of Anberlin. They have a great sound. One of my fav songs lately. They play it at least a couple times a day.

running

2010-06-01T10:49:00.003-04:00

so I ran today. and by ran, I of course mean that I jogged. and by jogged, I of course mean that I walked 3/4 and jogged the other 1/4. but hey, it was still 1.3 miles more than I did yesterday. or ever.

side note: it's hard to run/jog/walk with the dog when he stops on a dime to smell grass/sidewalk/poo/garbage/chocolate/smashedcans/fences/cars/whateverelse

2010-05-29T01:22:00.002-04:00

Several years ago I was one of group of rotating emcees at a local music venue. I've always been a very outgoing person, but this volunteer position sent me into a downward spiral. I began experiencing what felt like mini panic attacks or just a heavy dose of anxiety, even if I wasn't at the venue. The worst time was about 2 or 3years ago I broke down at Cyclones game for absolutely no reason. It just got too loud and there were too many people.

Eventually I quit the emceeing gig and it helped calm the attacks. Every once in a blue moon, they'll sneak back up on me. I was so looking forward to tonight. As soon as a I started looking up the stairs to go to my seat, it hit me. Thought I was going to get sick for the 1st half of the game. I had trouble looking backwards. There were a lot of people and a lot of noise. It's so insanely frustrating though. When the anxiety hits, the anger follows. Maybe because I feel like I've lost control of the situation???? I have no desire to speak with anyone. I just want to leave. Or crawl out of my skin.

I hate feeling this way.

Lead Me - Sanctus Real

2010-05-13T14:17:00.004-04:00

Music has always played a huge role in my life. It impacts me in ways that simply nothing else can. Over the past year or two, I feel like I've really begun to connect with the music of Sanctus Real. Below is their latest single, Lead Me and some other rocking tunes. Yeah, I just said 'rocking tunes'. Sue me.

pushing forward

2010-05-03T10:51:00.006-04:00

I've never played football, but I've watched enough movies to see players practicing with blocking dummies (at least, I think that's what they're called). No matter how hard they run, the blocker's going to be there to slow them down. Obviously, it's intended to help them reach the goal line on game day, but it looks hard. It probably hurts a little when they slam into it during practices. The sheer strength of the blocker might knock them down a little bit. I would imagine that it's a bit of a dance of two steps forward and one step back.

Most days I feel like everyone else's marriage is perfect. They may have a tiff over minor details, but the husbands are respectful, the wives are beautiful and the children are nearly perfect. At least I think that sums up most of my friends lives. Maybe it's just due to my immaturity, but I feel like I am always hitting the dummy. There's always a blocker in my way of the goal line. It's a lot of hard work. I feel like I cannot compete with anybody else's wife/life. Not that I really should be, but if God lined up the Great Wives of the last three years, I would be dead last. I think I just embarrass my husband, my friends and myself at lot. To be honest, I'm not even sure why he sticks with me. I can't imagine sharing half of my crap with anyone else. He is gentle and loving and honestly has my best intentions at heart. He may not like a lot of things that I do, but he still loves me. Which seems overly graceful. When the best that I can offer is a dirty oyster, he finds the pearl.

Friends vs Community

2010-05-01T23:25:00.003-04:00

Tonight over a stack of amazing cheese fries, Isaac discussed the feature film he's planning on shooting this summer. Which, by the way, can I just say how proud I am of him for stepping out and tackling this head on? My baby's got guts.

Anyway, Isaac was discussing characters and how part of the conflict in movies is that the main characters typically express their wants, but rarely do their wants match what their true needs are. They may be connected, but rarely are they the same.

I believe the same is true in real life. The things that I thought were important, or what I thought I wanted, aren't what I need. It's a frustrating process learning the difference.

a true question

2010-04-24T22:35:00.000-04:00

Tonight at work, one of the individual's family visited and brought pizza for everyone. Super generous. Had a nice time meeting with and just getting to know them and watch the individual interact with their family.

At the end of the evening, the family asked me what my background was with working with individuals with special needs and why I wanted to get into the field. I could tell by the looks on their faces that my answers weren't neccesarily what they were hoping to hear. I don't have a background in nursing. I didn't go to school for this. I've had limited training before I got hired and I don't have professional experience in this field. I just have a heart for working with individuals with special needs. I feel like God has called me to work with them full time. And I realize that just 'enjoying working them' is not neccesarily a comforting answer to a family. This is their flesh and blood that I am in charge of taking care of. They're paying a lot of money for people to guide them and provide adequate staff.

I get why they didn't seem thrilled I was there.

gettin' there

2010-04-24T11:53:00.002-04:00

I don't see it, but I'm down 22 lbs. but that still counts, right? If I worked harder at it, I'd lose more, but I've been lax for a while.

Since I met my first real "goal" at 20lb, I went to Bath and Body works to get these special gloves that I've been wanting for forever..... They were sold out. argh. The rep suggested that I get the socks instead. I looked at the price - $25. Um, no. They're just socks.

I started getting stressed out, so I ended up buying lotion from the Stress Free line. That made me happy. And then I bought a few other things. I had a bunch of coupons, so that dramatically reduced my final price. Sweetness.

I am tired. Had a lot going on lately. I miss my friends. I don't really ever have a day off anymore and this bums me out.

The dog pooped inside 2x today. TWICE! I'm scheduling his neutering soon. Payback. not that neutering and pooping even have a common link....

This is a ridiculous post.

Meaningful Words

2010-03-30T22:09:00.004-04:00

I got an Easter card in the mail today from my Prom buddy, David and his mom Kathy.

Then I read this little note from David's mom, Kathy. David's 41. I almost cried.

Happy Memories

2010-03-29T21:51:00.015-04:00

I had to find my college diploma today for work, but while searching thru old boxes at my parent's house, I unearthed some happy memories.The above is a pic of me and my Great Grandpa Johnson.

The black and white pic is of my Grandpa Wilder. I never really knew him, but he's still important to my dad. I found out he was only 66 when he died. My dad's 58. Granted, he had a lot of health problems, but it's interesting.

My dad is a really clever dude. I found this e-mail from my freshman year of college. He wrote me a note and then ended with a silly poem. Sometimes I try and write a little ditty for peeps I adore, but it all comes back to my dad. Who I adore.

This one was sent in April of 1999. It was nearing finals time again. Dad liked to update me on my Mom, my brother John and the family dog, Lucy.

This one made me laugh out loud. My brother received it from Conner Middle School. It might be my favorite.

quicksand

2010-03-27T12:29:00.007-04:00

I am down 17lbs. It's not much, but I'm content with it. Other than my Zumba on Saturdays, I haven't been working out the past 3 weeks or so. However, I did recently learn that Forest Park will reimburse you $150 in November if you join certain gyms. That basically makes joining and maintaining a 12 month membership at Fitworks closer to $105 - just joining is flippn expensive - rather than $255. So I think I'll be joining next week.

Isaac doesn't really weigh himself as much as I do, but he looks REALLY good. I would guess he's lost 20-30lbs. His shirts are fitting looser and his body shape is more defined. I loved the way he looked before, but I'm happy he's healthier and in better shape. It's nice trying to eat better with someone you love.

During the past week I've had lunch/dinner with 3 separate friends. I've known some of them for a decade, and some just for a few short years. It is so refreshing being honest with people you love dearly.

Beginning April 1st, I will be going from full time at Lynx to just working Wednesdays and Fridays. Because of this change, I needed to find another part time position. Last Monday I found out that I got hired on at LADD (Living Arrangements for Developmentally Disabled). I will be working there M, Tu, Th, Sat and possibly Wed nights. This is all very exciting. I will be assisting individuals with their daily routine and helping them become more independent - which is just AWESOME. The only possible downside is that I'll be working second shift, so I won't see my small group anymore or my Saturday night church friends. This means I will have to GET UP and go to church on Sundays now. omg. What will I ever do? : ) Because Sundays will be my only day off, I can see that this might lead into a slippery slope of not going to church. Pure laziness.

The second shift thing is kinda of a blessing and a curse. Because of my schedule, I won't see any of my friends anymore. While this stinks, it also gives me the slightest twinge of relief. Not going to small group anymore means that I can leave relationships that I have broken lying where they may. It means not really having to be accountable to others about this stupid FREE* series or any other series in the future. It means not pushing through. It's not that I won't be dealing with the issues that this series brought up anymore, it's just that I won't have my community around me to support/quiz me about what I mean when I say x,y,z. Which, as a side note, I've recently realized that I don't always know why I say what I say. I have trouble verbalizing exactly what I mean. I just say how I feel. Or I'll just get upset when I'm trying to say something. It's all VERY frustrating and it makes me want to disappear or puke. Or both.

So in a sense, I will be disappearing for a while. It will have it's ups and downs, depending on what my mood is. It's ironic. I've come to realize that community is very important - I've seen family/friends who do not have community around them and it's unhealthy - but community is HARD. It is hard to live out life in front of others. I'm somewhat wondering if me leaving life as I know it for a while will be a relief to others. By not having to put up with my ridiculous insecurities and annoyances, I'm hoping/believing that this will actually strengthen my marriage and my relationships. I feel like Isaac's been annoyed/irritated with me for a long stretch. Perhaps he just needs a break. Perhaps I overwhelm him. I'm pretty needy.

I did the prayer experience at Crossroads on Thursday night with my small group. For some of my friends this was very meaningful. One of my friends has the promises from God taped to her refrigerator. Others have just verbalized that they either are free or are getting there. Am I the only one stuck in the mud here? One of my friends said that he thought I was further along than before. I'm about 99% positive he said that to get me off the phone. Shallow jerkface. jk...... But I don't see it. I went to the prayer experience, mainly because I had to or felt like I would be judged if not.... Anyway, I felt God saying some stuff to me there... some I have forgotten already. Most I think I blocked out. I have a very difficult time taking complements, in the truest since of the form from people, let alone God. I fully believe God can move mountains in other peoples lives and I have faith that He wants the best for others... And I want to help others get there.... But I don't really believe that for myself. It seems foolish that God would make ME promises. Or care. There are some times when I KNOW that God has spoken to me - mostly in a "you need to do this" form. I get that. I can be on a mission. I can handle "duties". But if it's just one on one with Jesus, that seems foreign and ridiculous. I don't have a good prayer time probably because I don't care to listen. I have trouble distinguishing between my voice and God's. Especially when it comes to him promising me things. I lack faith most days. And to be quite honest, I'm not sure that I really want to be free. Because although I hate where I'm at, moving forward would prove to be more painful and would require believing that God doesn't want me to stay put. That he's happy with the amount of baggage I'm carrying. To believe that I might be weary and stooped over from the weight of my own sin and selfishness.... I just remembered that he showed/visualized someone running while I was in the prayer experience. I think I'm supposed to not stop running. To run hard and fast. If I shut my eyes, I could/can hear the sounds of the snapping twigs and brush and the city sounds. I am to run a very long distance. I wrote on the wall during one of the prayer stations that I was not ready to give up. But I am tired and I am very close to just throwing in the towel and allowing myself to be swallowed by the quicksand I have stumbled into.

random crap

2010-03-07T22:46:00.003-05:00

13lbs down

snl last night was really funny

i saw the biggest possum in our backyard today. made me nervous.

my dog is snoring. there's something peaceful about when he sleeps next to me.

isaac and I found the coolest hole in the wall restaurant this morning. my veggie omelet was scrumtis. brotherton's restaurant in hamilton - it's pretty sweet.

i can't keep me eyes open any more

what is true freedom?

2010-03-05T03:14:00.000-05:00

I woke up feeling sick, not free........

reminder

2010-03-02T14:45:00.000-05:00

He keeps reminding me that He has my steps planned.......

2010-02-24T23:52:00.001-05:00

10 lbs down.

a bizillion more to go.

Free Q City Players Show Friday!

2010-02-18T07:38:00.003-05:00

The always hilarious (well, almost always) Q City Players Improv Comedy Troupe will be performing at Taza Coffeehouse in Clifton this Friday.

Here's the skinny:

when: this friday (I just told you that!) February 19th
time: 9-11pm
cost: $5 at the door UNLESS you bring a personal hygiene item or canned food good, then you get in FREE
ideas on what to bring: shampoo, conditioner, laundry detergent, soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, combs, hairbrushes, canned meats, canned vegetables, etc

All donated items will go to The Healing Center in Springdale. It's a very cool place that offers a number of services to the people of Cincinnati.

show up early - doors open at 8:20pm. It's street parking (although you can park across the street in UC's parking lot, I think it's like $5-10. Also, Taza makes wonderful drinks and healthy snack options. You don't want to miss it!

bad company

2010-02-14T11:56:00.004-05:00

Until 2 weeks ago, I hadn't been to the dentist in somewhere between 5-10 years. I figured I was good, since my dad has really good teeth and he never goes. Plus, I had never a cavity. Turns out, waiting a decade between dentist trips isn't such a hot idea. I had 4 cavities and apparently, my 4x a year flossing habits didn't quite cut it. I ended up with some crappy gingivitis and periodontal disease. Which the later is code for Eastern Kentucky. It's basically a result of never flossing and your gums get hacked off and eventually deteriorate, causing tooth loss. I floss almost everyday now.

Anyway, all that to say, the dentist experience got me thinking. If I had been jacking my mouth up this long and never realizing it, what was I doing to the rest of my body? I began figuring out how much weight I needed to lose to be "healthy". It's right around 100lbs. WHAT???!?!?!?!? bleep, bleep, bleeeeeep.

I doubt I'll ever lose 100lbs, but I need to lose weight regardless. and a LOT of it. I would have to lose 40lbs just to get to the weight I was when I got married, which was just a mere 2 1/2 years ago. And I was fat then too. ugh.

So on the 3rd of February, I began eating better. Not amazing. But better. And I have dramatically lessened the amount of soda intake I was consuming. And overall, lessened the amount of calories I'm having been shoveling down my throat. And I started working out. Not everyday. But some. And I started Zumba classes yesterday. And as of this morning, I have lost 6lbs. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is like losing the weight of one of my earlobes or something. But 6lbs is still 6lbs. Just 94 more to go.... haha.

And for the first time ever, Isaac and I are on the same page. We're trying to lose weight together, eating better and staying positive. This has been VERY helpful.

The challenge will be (and will always be) that I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm sad, when I'm happy, when I'm bored, when I'm nervous and I really eat when I'm depressed. And parties - watch out. A celebration is not a celebration to me without a bunch of food being involved. When I started talking about losing weight to Isaac, I told him that when I lost 50lbs, my treat to myself would be to buy some new glasses. He asked me what my "treat" would be for the first 5lbs or 10lbs... And I bit back with "probably a cheeseburger". I honestly do not know how to celebrate without food. And in the past several days, I have been going back and forth between "when" I lose x amount of weight and "if" I lose x amount of weight. Which are 2 totally different things. The if's are what's going to bring me down.

So, what are some good ways to "celebrate" or "treat" yourself for reaching small goals?

I Want To Be A Clone

2010-02-03T19:55:00.007-05:00

Back in the mid 1990's a friend in band class introduced me to the music of Steve Taylor. Quirky, eccentric, intelligent, Steve Taylor. His tongue-in-cheek approach to life and the truth of Christ blended in such a fashion that it shaped the way that I thought about not only Christian music, but God as well. Steve would eventually go on to produce numerous records and music videos (Sixpence None the Richer, Newboys, Guardian, Rich Mullins). He also formed the short lived Squint Entertainment and co-wrote and directed The Second Chance (which starred Michael W. Smith).

And while I have been a bad girl for not watching his movie, some of his songs have stuck with me since the day I bought his cassette tape at Family Christian Store. Somewhat ironic, since several of his albums were pulled from stores like that.... But songs like Jesus Is For Losers and The Finish Line and Cash Cow (which has to be one of the weirdest and funniest videos out there) are life changing to me. When I'm having a crap sappy day, I think of The Finish Line and how the Christian life is not some happy go lucky day trip. It gets hard, and you fall down, but you have to get back up. As the apostle Paul wrote, "I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself." - 1 Corinthians 9:26-27 The Message

While his music is out of print, you can of course, always purchase it on ebay. I would suggest purchasing both Liver and Squint. Click here to watch/listen to a 1994 rendition of The Finish Line at Cornerstone. And remember to run hard in the race. Don't give up. He didn't come for the well, he came for the sick and the broken hearted. The losers. You and me.

My head is not really where my heart is. I think.

2010-01-30T23:00:00.005-05:00

Sorry it's been forever since my last post. Not that anybody's been chomping at the bit for my next post. haha.

I have no idea why I write "haha" after everything. haha. (that was just for emphasis)

I'm a happy person for the most part, so please don't read this and think I'm a party pooper. This is just where my head is today, so bear with me. Actually, I'll follow every annoyance with a good thing.

I think I cut my gum on some mountain trail mix last Friday. It still hurts. I think it might be infected. And then tonight before church, my hand slipped and hit my jaw with a force. My bottom teeth smashed into my top teeth with part of my tongue somewhere in the middle. Now my whole right side of my mouth is annoyed and hurting.

Good thing I made a dentist appointment for Tuesday morning. It'll be the first time I've been to the dentist in about 5-10 yrs. It's also at 6:45am. Yes, I said AM.

The Vineyard's been switching the services around for the past 5 weeks. Basically, the teaching's in the beginning, and the worship musics at the end. I was really hoping that by the end of the 5 weeks, I would be getting used to the changes. I think this was week 5. I'm not sure if they're sticking with the change or not. Regardless, it's been hard for me. Wha. I know, right? But seriously, I can't stay focused to save my life. I don't have the time mentally to prepare for a video that has substance (Mardy) and then straight into teaching. I can stay focused for about 3-5 minutes at a time. Which, is weird. And then we go into music and I don't feel like I'm really into the music, because I really wasn't at all into the teaching. It doesn't transition for me. I just feel like I've been going to church lately, just to go to church. I don't feel like I've been getting anything out of it. And that's my deal, not the teachers. It's just frustrating. I leave the service without understanding what was being taught. I probably just need to catch up online a bunch. But it's also got me thinking. How long has it taken me in the past to "get into worship?" Isn't the music just as important as the teaching? Maybe, I don't know. It's just weird to me, that people are still talking when the teacher is speaking, people are still getting up and some are actually standing up to take off their coats. While Joe or Dave are talking. It's odd. I feel like people aren't mentally or physically prepared either. Not everybody, just a some. I'm just annoyed I'm not soaking in much. I'm just going to go for David and Kathy at this point.

Regardless if I'm not getting church, I've heard that lots of people are really happy with the changes. And honestly, that's really cool. And above all, I'm just happy that I go to a church that's willing to change things up a bit and try new things. A lot of places wouldn't dare. VCC is pretty dang cool overall. And I'm happy to call it home.

I did have a revelation tonight... about 4 years ago, I stopped going to the church I had been attending and kinda quit going anywhere. I'd had my fill of being burned my crappy churches and leadership. Eventually, I started visiting the Vineyard. Most times, I never came on time. I figured if anybody was going to complain about it, I'd just leave. Honestly, I was just testing the waters with VCC. They claimed to be a safe place and I had known some friends who went there for some healing time after being burned by a church. I wanted to know if what they said was true. Was VCC different? Sometimes, I got there so late, Dave was already 1/2 thru his sermon. Eventually, I started coming a little earlier and earlier. It took me a looong time, but eventually I realized that there is no perfect church. But VCCers seemed to be trying, so I thought that was good and I'd at least be willing to try them out. And about 2 years into me trying out VCC, I decided I'd start volunteering. This would be my home.

Meanwhile, I had been involved in a small group with a group of good friends. In the end, that small group didn't work out for me. Long story, but I got a bad taste in my mouth of what a small group was and should be and who you should be in one with. Fastforward a couple of years.... I've now been in a small group for a year. Most of my very favorite people are in that group. I'd rather be a small group with a random group of people than my friends. That seems safer to me. That way, in case the sm didn't work out, I still had my friends. wussy way of thinking, but whatever. And lately, I've been thinking that maybe they don't like me in small group as much as I'm nervous to be there. I got all emotional and honest on Thursday and that was embarassing. I think I've cried in front my small group friends like, 3x already. That's stupid. And probably really annoying to them. It just feeds in my s.m. group fears. Anyway, back to the revelation tonight.... I realized that while there is no perfect church, there's also no perfect small group. Why it took me so long to realize that, I have no idea. So I'm going to try and work on not freaking out so much. And just keep loving the people who I already adore. and to hash things out theologically. And to love and serve the ones around us as Christ would. Actually sounds kinda of exciting, doesn't it?

Honestly, I think this post was more for me than it was for you. If you even made it this far, I'm really impressed. And you're really bored : )

The Dog and His Bowel Movements

2010-01-05T23:03:00.010-05:00

Love my new doggie. His name is Cassius Clay Kevin Stambaugh. He's a 7 wk old boxer.

Isaac and I are trying to teach Cash that we are totally down with him doing his business outside. However, today Cash has not been so awesome. After waking up at 6:45am to take him outside and standing out there with him for forever, he convinced me that he truly did not have poop. And stupid me, I believed him. So we came in, he got his treat for peeing outside, and by the time I had taken my coat off, I noticed something sticking out from underneath the guest bed. He had in one swift motion, ran to the back of the house, crawled underneath the bed and pooped. He's been having horrible gas and diaherra lately, so at least I was "blessed" by 2 hard(ish) turds this morn.

Then tonight, after I had taken him out TWICE, Cash got peeved because I had the nerve to actually fix dinner instead of fixating on him..... And then he got super quiet and polite and kinda hid.... which seemed weird... Anyway, so I started my search of the house. And this is what I found in my bedroom.

I made Isaac clean it up when he got home. That was probably rude of me, but I had already cleaned up a small puddle of urine and had burnt part of the dinner, because of the dog.

Isaac cleaned it up (by that time, apparently it had dripped into the base of the register) and flushed the poo and paper towels down the toliet. Wait - paper towels! So then the toliet overflowed on Isaac. We didn't eat dinner till 8pm.

Potty training is hard.

Victory is Mine!

2009-11-28T18:09:00.003-05:00

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T10:14:00.006-05:00

So.... I woke up this morning at 4am, and arrived at the West Chester Wal-Mart around 4:45 or 4:50am. I left Wally World around 8am. wowzers. I caught people picking thru my cart 2x. um, hello! The 2nd lady was very apologetic. She thought my cart was returns..... whatever. I just don't think I have ever picked thru someone else's cart before, for any reason. That's like not knocking before opening a bathroom door. It's just uncalled for. Anyway, I did some major damage Christmas shopping and got about 97% of what I came in for. Couldn't find the $2 pyrex pie plates and $2 pyrex casserole dishes. And the $24 5 piece set card table. bummer. However, I will say that because I shopped so long, I litterally had no line. I just walked right up and checked out. That part was pretty sweet.

Then I came home and Isaac went shopping. In the meantime, I took my thawed out turkey and took the wrappings off. That was interesting. I apologized to my naked turkey as I took it's innerds out thru, what I can only assume is it's butthole. I found it's neck thru an opening in the middle. And then it's bloody juiceness ran everywhere. HURL. BARF. BARF. uck.

After I drained it, I stuck it in a roasting pan I borrowed from my mom and coated it with butter. (the bird, not the pan) Then I threw some salt and pepper on the outside. What do I know? So now it's roasting. Then I made 'stained glass jell-o. It's something that my Grandma Johnson used to make for holiday meals and I always loved it. It's basically jell-o, cool whip, marshmellows and graham cracker crumbs. Since I'm making Thanksgiving for Grandma this year, I thought I could make it... Even if she doesn't remember that she used to make it, perhaps she'll recall good memories by eating it... wishful thinking. Anyway, so I was all jazzed about making this. The directions said to gently mix the jell-o with the cool whip, etc... I did. There's nothing about it that looks stained glass. Nothing.

So I added a layer of graham crackers crumbs to the top and layered with marshmellows. wow. I hope my turkey turns out better than this.

a little prayer

2009-10-19T20:10:00.004-04:00

I have a friend who has Lupus. Most people can function from day to day, my friend as a slightly different battle. I believe today was her 3rd or 4th just this year alone. She is on heavy doses of meds every day just so she won't have flare ups. The heavy doses end up causing her other battles.

When I swung by the hospital today, I met her parents in the waiting room. She got out of surgery at 3:30pm, but was in severe pain. They said she hadn't stopped crying and screaming in pain since she had woke up. It was 6:30pm and they still hadn't moved her out of recovery. She had been given 4 doses of morphine and it hadn't even touched her. The doctors said she should be knocked out with that much in her system.

Please pray that the pain subsides. And the doctors can find out what's wrong with her quickly.

Prepare to Laugh Out Loud

2009-10-03T23:28:00.001-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/10/02/embarassing.health.confessions/index.html

Taping into My Brain

2009-09-23T22:20:00.004-04:00

* I am now a shareholder at the Vineyard Community Church in Springdale. I am honestly pretty excited about this. It feels legit. I've taken my time considering this and I feel pretty good about belonging to a non perfect church with non perfect people. But it's people that I love and who love Jesus.

* My brother moved out of my parents house to an apartment. Isaac and I are going to go see it on Sunday

* Julee's birthday is tomorrow. Aparently no one is supposed bring it up, but I have no idea why.

* Happy Birthday Julee

*At the end of 2008 I pulled a muscle in my chest during a nasty case of hiccups. Today I had a particularly fiesty hiccup episode at work. I ended up pulling a muscle in my back. Actually, it's more behind my left shoulder muscle. I made it worse tonight leaving church.

* I think Adam from Man vs Food is adorable.

* There are still TONS of volunteer roles left to fill at the Prom. www.vineyarcincinnati.com/prom
* we need lots of help being someone's buddy for the evening, registration, we need computers for registration, we need hairdressers and make up artists, girls to be a part of Deal or No Deal, parking lot volunteers, people to help others in the bathroom, dancers... you get the picture. Just go to the above link to register. If you have any trouble, let me know and I'll hook you up.

* I'm going to Myrtle Beach with my extremely hot husband and extended family members in the next month or so. I've never been before.

* I still desperately want a dog for Christmas.

* USA plays at least 4 back to back episodes of Law and Order: SVU How much better could it get?

Happy Birthday!

2009-09-06T01:22:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday to my favorite Dad in the world!

Bling The Flops

2009-08-23T11:18:00.003-04:00

So at last year's dress fittings for The Prom, there were really beautiful, teeny tiny, 4 inch heeled shoes for the guests to choose from. Gorgeous shoes, but they weren't the most comfortable or safest for some of our guests to wear all evening. So as a way to honor our guest's feet for the October 2nd Prom at the Vineyard, we're going to bling out 200-500 pairs of flip flops!

If you have any unused flip flops, ribbon, faux flowers, glue guns, sewing scissors or anything else "crafty" and you would like to donate them, please mark your donation "Bling the Flops" and place in the outreach bins in the lobbies at the Vineyard Community Church in Springdale by Sunday, September 13th. Or just let me know and I'll come get them.

Also, if you're snazzy with a glue gun, bring a friend and meet me in the Great Rooms at VCC from 2-7pm on Sunday, Sept 13th. I'm trying to gather about 60 volunteers to help bling out these flip flops!!! Come armed with a glue gun and sewing scissors and a smile.

things I've been learning

2009-07-31T22:25:00.003-04:00

During the summer of '09, the vineyard I attend has been going thru the 10 commandments as part of their Summer of Love series. Basically, identifying why the 10 commandments fall under the 2 most important commandments - to love God and love each other.

Anyway, this past Saturday Joe taught about commandment #8 - not stealing. You shouldn't steal things, even if you really want to. And to go further with that commandment, not only don't steal, but live generously. Give what you've got.

Immediately after I left church that night, Isaac and I drove to ashland to visit family. I slept almost the entire 3 hour drive. I woke up as we turned onto the street where Isaac's family live. I literally woke up as we passed by my brother-in-law's truck with the new tags hanging out of the license plate, almost touching the ground. This particular b-i-l is a complete jerk. Total jerk. I could have completely reasoned with myself on why it was okay to simply reach out and take the tags. He would have never known. But instead, I said out loud - "Thou shall not steal. Even though I really want to." I know better than to steal things. What would I have done had I not gone to church that night?

But then I started thinking about all of the different ways that I maybe didn't steal, but I wasn't generous. Like the other day when I went thru Arby's. I had a coupon to get a $5 sandwich for free. As I sat in line waiting for my order, I just beamed with joy about the great deal we got on our house (totally believe that was a gift from God) and just before I left for Arby's, I found out that I got a sweet, sweet deal on some appliances we needed. Anyway, I pulled forward in the drive thru and paid for the drink and fries, handed the man my coupon and waited for my food. I noticed that their was a lady in a truck behind me and then I remembered how the vineyard encouraged us that "small things done with great love will change the world" and one simple way to show that is by paying for the person behind you's food. But then I talked myself out of it, because I didn't have any cards. Lame-o. And then God reminded me how I had just been celebrating all that He had given me. that He's the provider of all good things. I ended up paying for her food and asked the cashier to tell her that God loved her. But as I pulled away, all I could think about was how far I have to go. While even though I have grown leaps and bounds in regards to giving money away, I clearly have a LONG way to go. This idea of being a servant and being generous is still not natural to me. There are moments when I hear a clear call, but there's also those moments where I want to steal or at least not give $6 away.

In small group last night we discussed this section of James 3

13 -16 Do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? Here's what you do: Live well, live wisely, live humbly. It's the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts. Mean-spirited ambition isn't wisdom. Boasting that you are wise isn't wisdom. Twisting the truth to make yourselves sound wise isn't wisdom. It's the furthest thing from wisdom—it's animal cunning, devilish conniving. Whenever you're trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others' throats.

17 -18 Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

Once again, this evening I was reminded of how far I have to go. I got so ticked because I didn't receive this huge coupon book from one of my favorite stores... long story. But the point is that in the long run, it doesn't matter. It wasn't mine to begin with. This past week I have been reminded over and over again that I've got a lot to learn about commandment #8 and that I am not overflowing with mercy. And I don't treat everyone with dignity and honor.

2 steps forward, 1 step back....

Abbi Grace

2009-07-12T20:05:00.004-04:00

I am an aunt again. Little Abi Grace was born at 9:24am this morning. 3 weeks early and she was still over 8lbs. wow.

All little babies look like old men to me. But I'm sure she's destined to be cute.

Sometimes you just have to laugh out loud

2009-07-02T21:50:00.001-04:00

CINCINNATI--A Colerain Township man allegedly told cops during a traffic stop that he didn't need valid license plates because he was Jesus.

It's a story you saw first on wcpo.com.

An officer reportedly pulled over 30-year-old William Raymond Wayt at the intersection of Sheed Road and Harrison Avenue in Green Township around 3:30 Wednesday morning for expired license plates.

At that point, Wayt allegedly told the officer he did not have to provide identifying information because "he was Jesus, and he owned 49 states, so he was on his own land and didn't need tags," the officer wrote in court paperwork.

Wayt, wearing camouflage cargo shorts and a white t-shirt, was booked for driving under suspension, false statements and improper display.

All charges are misdemeanors. The display count refers to this license plates on his 1979 Chevy truck. Footage of the incident is not available because Green Township police cruisers are not equipped with cameras, according to a spokeswoman.

So, I'm just wondering which state he doesn't own...

selfish moment

2009-06-30T23:09:00.002-04:00

Most of you know that my Grandma Johnson hasn't been doing so hot since last April. Early stages of Alzheimer's and Dementia.

I haven't been able to see Grandma in a while so I've called a couple of times in the past weeks. When I called tonight I talked to Grandpa for a while (which is rare - he ususally gets off the phone quickly - but there had been a problem with one of the aides today) and at the end of the conversation, Grandpa asked me to hold on while he got Grandma on the phone.

I'm guessing he set the phone down, but I heard the whole conversation he had with Grandma. Basically, he said that Jennifer was on the phone (she no longer recoginizes me as 'Jenny') and Grandma asked who that was. Grandpa explained that I was their grandaughter.... She just really didn't want to talk on the phone. Sometimes she gets angry or frustrated easily, which is part of the disease, and I could hear it in her voice. Again, Grandpa asked her to just to talk for a second on the phone to me, etc. And again, she asked who Jennifer was. He again explained that I was there Grandaughter and that I was Winnie's daughter. She picked up but I could tell that she had no idea who I was. So I just said "Hello, Grandma. This is Jennifer, your grandaughter." We both asked how the other was at the same time. I said I was good and then she said that it was nice of me to call. End of conversation.

These 2 diseases just seem to be devestating. There are definite good moments, but it seems that the person you've known for so long is slipping away. And for their sake, you have to pretend that you don't notice. And honestly, nobody has it harder that my Grandma. How scary for her. And my Grandpa Johnson and my mom work endless to take care of her. They and other members of my family get the majority of the stress and have to deal with it everyday.

Here's my selfish moment - sometimes I get really upset that she doesn't remember me. Most times it's okay. I live the farthest away from her and I don't see her as much. And she tries to remember me. She does. Sometimes she thinks I'm her cousin or sometimes I'm her daughter. And sometimes she just gives me a blank stare. But there are the times when she knows who I am and we talk like we used to. Funny thing is, she always remembers who Isaac is. Go figure.

But as selfish as it sounds, I just don't want my grandma to forget me. It's not that I've done something so great in life, it's just that she's my grandma. And I want me to remember me.

Some days are just harder than others. There. Hopefully I'll quit balling now.

remembering

2009-06-11T19:42:00.002-04:00

yesterday I posted a blog about my sincere distain for Carrie Prejean and her apparent lack of integrity. I am not recanting what I said - I still whole heartly believe it - however, I was reminded last night of something.

While Carrie's actions irritate me, we're in the same boat. I have said things and done things to people in my past that have hurt them and hurt God.

Look, there's no such thing as a perfect christian or a perfect church. Over the past several years I have heard numberous friends say, well, I'm not going to act like so and so. Or they're a bad Christian. Or how stupid could blah, blah, blah. And sometimes I'll say, "but that's us". basically, we're just as jacked up as whoever we were talking about. Last night I forgot who I was for a second.

Me and Carrie, we're in the same boat. I may not like some of her actions, but I need just as much mercy and forgiveness from Jesus as she does.

What Right Do We Have As Christians?

2009-06-10T19:25:00.002-04:00

I've just got to say it- I am not a fan of Carrie Prejean. I am also not a fan of Perez Hilton. Seriously, who picked that guy to be a judge? I thought the original controversy over her answer at the Miss USA padgent was a bit blown out of perportion. Perez Hilton clearly has a lack of maturity. Clearly. However, it almost became this big hoopla of her losing the crown over her answer on gay marriage. As the Miss California padgent crew and several other news sources pointed out in the following days, Carrie was behind in the overall score even before she answered that fateful question. However, some Chrisitans and certain news stations made this huge stink (and continue to) about her answer to the question making her lose the crown. Surely Carrie knew the scores in the aftermath, yet she never set the record straight. In fact, she added to the fire with a bit of smugness. And then came the topless shots and the fact that she didn't disclose the information to the padgent ahead of time and also that there was a communication issue.

I watched the press conference when Donald Trump stood by her side and said that all was well and that she would still be Miss California. Carrie just sat there so smug. Instead of being humbled that she almost lost her title for ridiculous crap she had done, she had this sense of, "I beat the system". Instead of apologizing for the topless shots, she made excuses. She was 17 at the time. Her friend took some. The professional photographer leaked the others to embarass her. She was so angry at the photographer, yet she took the photos so she could get work like that. Her answer to the reason why she failed to tell padgent officals about the topless photos - it was a 12 page application. And she's studying to be a teacher??

Today, Carrie was dethroned from the title of Miss California. Padgent officals are saying that Carrie wasn't keeping up with communication that she was pushing her own issues while representing Miss California. Carrie's pastor appeared on HLN network and basically said that she's done everything she's been asked to do, blah, blah, blah.

The thing that bothers me the most is that thru all of this, it seems that Carrie and her following have been more than willing to tote the whole "Because I'm a Christian, this is why I've been kicked out/picked on/etc" . How about you take some responability for your actions, apologize for your poor judgement, be grateful that you weren't kicked out 3 weeks ago and grovel for forgiveness from padgent officals? Carrie Prejean represented the state of California and had obligations to uphold. She was to be truthful in her answers and clearly, choose not to be and has been toting the gay marriage soapbox ever since.

It's not just Carrie Prejean that annoys me. It's when I see Christians act like they're owed something. That they're only getting picked on because of their beliefs, not because of their own irresponible behavior. What do Christians have to be smug about anyway?

there. that's been bothering me for a while.

good times

2009-05-19T23:21:00.002-04:00

oh blog, how I have ignored thee for Facebook.... I've mistreated you, and I'm sorry.

Things that are on my mind and/or you should check out:

* http://rejoicephotos.blogspot.com/ Tracey's pretty amazing. As were my models.
* I've got snack at small group on Thursday and I'm not sure what to bring
* My dad has been super sick but is not back home and doing better. There, that wraps up how my dad's been since the end of April.
* Grandma's not doing so hot
* I think we're buying a house
* My husband is pretty dang hot
* I'm super geeked about Isaac's Kickin Kickball and Grillout on Sunday
* www.110words.blogspot.com

There. Updates from the past month... for the most part.

oh my

2009-04-28T22:42:00.002-04:00

I think I am a little stressed. I broke out into hives about an 1hr ago and am currently typing this during what is probably my 7th poop in 45 minutes.

my amazing carmel pumkin tealight candle from the bath & body works outlet is losing the battle.

there. just thought I would leave you with those images burning in your mind.

you can thank me later.

I'm a Giver

2009-04-13T20:14:00.002-04:00

I gave blood tonight at the Hoxworth Blood Center in Fairfield. I used to give it a bit more in college and after, but I typically don't up here as much. It seems like such a longer process and it freaks me out being there so long. But every once in a while, I'll suck up my fear and pump away. Today was one of those days.

Very friendly people but I swear the lady stabbed my arm with the needle. I was still in pain by the time I got home. Like, a considerable amount of pain. I ended up ripping the band-aid off and now it's just a slight throb. And I have a headache. But I can't take any ibprofen (blood thinner). Poop.

I did find out that I am O-negative, which means I can give to anybody, but I can only receive O-negative blood. So basically, if I'm ever in a tramatic accident, and the hospital doesn't have enough O-neg blood, I'm screwed.

I seem to be complaining a fair amount about something that I willingly gave. In all seriousness, the worst that will happen to me is that I might have a bruise tomorrow. But I'm potentially saving someone else's life. So was it worth it making this small sacrifice? Of course. The gain is much greater than the loss.

The same can be said for our spiritual lives. Is God asking you to do something that might seem uncomfortable or a little painful now, but in the end has a greater reward? Take the leap. You may lose a little blood, but you'll save a life.

Laugh Your Butt Off This Friday Night

2009-03-31T22:33:00.004-04:00

The amazing comedy improv troupe that I manage, The Q City Players, are performing this Friday night at Cincinnati Ballet Tech in Montgomery. Here are all of the pertinent details:

When: THIS Friday, April 3rd
8-10pm
Where: Ballet Tech Cincinnati 6543 Montgomery Rd Cincinnati, OH 45213
513-841-2822 for questions
Why: Because we're funny and you'll love us
How Much: Only $5 a person (pay at door)

Doors open at 7:30pm and the show will begin at 8pm. Please be considerate of the performers and arrive before 8pm. Besides, you'll get a MUCH better seat that way!

The shows are typically PG-13 (at their naughtiest. haha) so young children may not appreciate the humor as much as the adults might.

The show runs about 2 hours with an intermission. You may purchase snacks during this time.

If you've never been to an improv show before, think about the popular tv show, Who's Line Is It Anyway? and that will give you a better idea. So grab a friend and meet us down in Montgomery, OH this Friday. You won't regret it!

oh-kee-do-kee

2009-03-26T21:48:00.005-04:00

so I've been toying with/meaning to write this blog entry for, um like 2 or 3 weeks now. I kept wussing out. But then I read my buddy Chris Day's blog yesterday http://drivingwithoutmirrors.blogspot.com/2009/03/lets-confess.html (I wish I was cool enough to figure out a simple link, but I'm not) and it spurred me on. If Chris is willing to be take a risk and stick his neck out, then I am too.

So, here are my confessions. I'm guessing someone else out there might feel/deal with some of these same issues... I believe that there's healing and freedom in confessing. At least I think/hope there is.

* I have an issue with over eating. I eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, tired, nervous, scared, whenever. Sometimes I get really upset about my over eating problem and then I eat more because I'm so upset.
* I don't really diet because I don't ever think I'll look any different.
* Sometimes I have trouble with the way that I look. Actually, I almost always have trouble with the way I look, it's just that sometimes it gets really bad. Sometimes I feel that I look like a monster.
* I wonder if my friends think I am a slob who eats too much. I wonder if they consider me their 'fat friend'.
* I recently found out that a good friend wears the same size clothes as me. I don't think she's fat. So I'm confused on why I think I'm so horrendous some days.
* I weigh more than most of the men/friends in my life.
* I think I am a bad wife.
* I have a bad temper
* I expect an e-mail/phone call back immediately after I've sent one. I realize this is ridiculous, yet it still irks me
* It really bothers me that I am mediocre at some many things. I have trouble pin pointing something I am excellent at.
* I don't think any employers would ever want to hire me
* I have weird hair that grows out of my neck sometimes. This bothers me.
* I don't yet understand what it means to be a wife and a Christian and go after your own dreams.
* I hate people telling me what to do.
* I want everyone to like me. I don't really understand why some don't.
* I feel like a failure when people don't tell me how much they love me. This is petty, I know.
* I'm jealous of how talented my husband is.
* My church encouraged us in the beginning of '09 to pick one point in our lives that we would change. I figured I should lose weight, but I didn't pray about any of it. I was terrified to hear God say that I was fat. That would have been too much. So I just didn't do anything. I at least kept coming to church. But I hated that series.

I could probably go on and on for another 10 minutes, but I won't. This should be enough ammo for you to judge me/hate me with. haha. sigh.

2009-03-25T00:18:00.002-04:00

There's something that I really want to blog about but feel like it might be a bit inappropriate or maybe just a tad rude. And with the amount of tack that I have... maybe I shouldn't.

Well, what the heck... here's the politically correct vague version. There are rules set up for a reason. Everyone should learn them and work together as a team. Learning more than one character is a good idea. Agree and accept will take you a loooooonnnnnggggggg way. Just because you can cuss and talk all dirty doesn't make you an "adult" and certainly doesn't make you funny. The people I have surrounded myself with are not only incredibly witty and intelligent but naturally funny and truly work hard as a team. And because they follow the guidelines laid out for them, they look good as a group.

I have a very funny friend who I wish would become a Jedi Knight. Or at least a Wookie.

lovely day

2009-03-22T21:41:00.002-04:00

anybody remember Out of Eden?

Anyway, today was amazing. I was busy last night so I went to church this morning. It was really awesome. Normally I freak out if I have to be quiet and focus on "prayer" but this was really amazing. Brad and Isaac did a wonderful job.

Anyway, so I totally enjoyed the celebration, saw a ton of friends that I normally don't see on the weekends, went home and just enjoyed being with Isaac. Nothing special, just ate leftovers and slept a bit on the couch. Then he woke me up and we went out. It felt like one of our old date nights - where it didn't matter what we did, it was just nice being with each other. I wore jeans and my Conner Pep Club t-shirt I got back in 1997. I had already washed off my makeup and the ugly zit that has formed next to my mouth was in clear view. But I didn't care. I was with Isaac. We dropped off some movies at the library and then drove to Hamilton and walked around Big Lots for a while. Then we ate from the dollar menu at Sonic and eventually ended up at Jungle Jims. We agreed on $10 a piece and came out pretty good.

This may sound like a ridicoulous way to spend an evening but I'm telling you I was so freaking happy. It's nice to be able to come home to somebody you love and not do anything special, but still know that you're very important. That they want to spend time with you. To be in the same room as you. To eat meals with and laugh with. That's a really nice feeling and a great way to end the weekend.

A little more snot, a little less fever

2009-03-14T14:37:00.003-04:00

I was really kinda whiny yesterday, wasn't I? It's amazing how attitudes change when you fever finally breaks and you've had a full 24 hours of rest. I've been on antibotics for a full 24 hrs now, so I'm no longer contagious. I cough a lot more today and I can't quit blowing my nose (so please don't hold my head - or shake it) and I still sound like a she-man. But I've done a couple loads of laundry and I did do the dishes. But most everything that I have put at the top of my "super important, can't wait another minute" list has been put on hold. I feel kinda bad for that. But at the same time, putting everything before my health and sleep probably put me in this position. And I'm not complaining about any of the things I took on. I took them on because I believe in each of them. I'm really excited and happy to be a part of them. I just need to rearrange some priorities a little. Scale back on some and I've already dropped some others. It's a weird juggle. But as I've learned several times over the past weeks, I have to sleep and quit eating so poorly. Who am I kidding - I will probably always eat poorly. I will probably always be really fat. But that's another blog for another day. But I do tend to eat my way thru stressful situations, whether it's for the caffine or simply something to do with my hands or for the sheer comfort.

I'm not sure if I'm had a true night off in 4 weeks. I come home from work and work on side projects. My lunch breaks on spent on side projects. I love my side projects. I just have seemed to cram them all together. Silly, confused me.

As a side note, for those of you who were wondering about the pee incidents at work - they seem to have subsided. I must have raised enough stink. lucky me.

Sick a roo

2009-03-13T18:11:00.002-04:00

i am sick. i feel like crap. weird chesty cough thing. i sound like a she-man. super achy. fever. i haven't been able to cool down in like an hour.

i had to drive to mason this morning to head to the doctor. the doc thought it was the flu. i didn't. they swabbed my nose and made me wait about 20-30 minutes to get the results. i think i might have fallen asleep, except i was so achy, i kept moving around. turns out, i was correct-a-mundo on the no flu thing. so the nurse told me they didn't know what it was and that the doc was giving me a rx for a zpac and some chest medicine.

i don't have time to get sick. but it seems as if God has some other plans. sometimes i don't listen very well.

isaac's cousin is coming in tomorrow. normally i would be excited about this. but i feel so crappy that i'm not. maybe i'll feel better by tomorrow. i'm not cleaning the house, though. he's 18, so he probably won't care.

i've eaten ice cream and had a cold washcloth on my head for like 45 mins. i can't cool down. argh. mainly i'm being whiny. it's been nice to just chill out for most of today, though.

tiny, little rant

2009-02-23T22:11:00.003-05:00

Okay, so for the past 9 or so months, I have noticed that at least once or twice a week I have to wipe pee off of a particular stall in the ladies bathroom at work. This really irks me. We are all grown women and there's only 2 stalls to begin with. And the other stall's toilet never stops running and sits way low to the floor. So like 4 out of the 5 women who work in this office do our business in the good stall. The one with the shelf inside and the taller toilet...

After 9 months of fuming after cleaning urine off of the toilet I've come to some conclusions.

1) This person is a squatter. What is a squatter you might ask? She can also go by hoverer. This individual does not want to sit on the seat itself for fear of germs so they will mold into a squatting position, hovering over a specific toilet or bush or whatever and pee. Safety first.

2) This person is a shaker. This is typically only used in emergencies when one realizes after they have gone #1 that there is no toilet paper or used tissues jammed in ones pocket that are available. One either stands up from the seat or they are already in the squatting position (see above). For fear of wetness or nappy underwear feeling, the individual will simply "shake" the excess urine off of their nether regions by doing a slight dance per say, something similar to a tiny hula hoop action. There is no need for large gyrations, for fear of sloshy urine ending up across the stall or worse yet, one's favorite pair of jeans or recently pedicured toes.

3) This person after shaking any excess bodily fluids off then shuts their eyes with some ferocity and whips around to flush the toilet, never viewing the toilet below.

4) This person also will then scurry out of the bathroom completely avoiding the sink (remember, they shake - no dirty hands) altogether. Unless, of course someone is walking in around the time of the blind flush, then the person must run the hands under the water if necessary. There is a 5 second limit for the hands being wet.

5) This person needs to drink a lot more water. Their urine is an unhealthy shade of sunshine yellow.

I have fantastic deductive reasoning skills. I mean fantastic. I figured out who this individual was within a few mere weeks of the urine samples being left. And don't even get me started on the poop I had to wipe off of the good toilet seat a couple of months back. OMG. Anyway, I know who she is and I know she doesn't wash her hands. I can only guess about blind flush, though. But the reason for the hovering must be because of the fear of germs. Which, the thing is, if everybody wiped their freaking pee off the toilet seat or just sat down and always their hands, there would be less germs. There would be no need for hovering, except for gas station and fast food restaurants stalls....

So after months and months of cleaning off peed on toilet seats, I finally asked my boss to buy some Lysol wipes to keep in the bathroom stall. I then typed a note and taped it to the inside portion of the stall asking frequent urinaters to turn around and look to see if they had peed on the seat. If they had, they needed to use the conveniently placed Lysol wipes and WIPE IT UP. It was almost a week and no pee. I was so happy. Then last Thursday, in the middle of my 2 day pms-fest, I found it. The urine. So I used the Lysol wipes on the toilet. And then I found it again today. Anger burns inside me. The pee is not invisible. I can see it. It's the color of the Yellow Power Ranger. And the bathroom in this building is always set at a negative degree. So heaven forbid someone actually would sit down in the aforementioned pee, it is not entirely impossible that they would become stuck to the toilet. The warmth of their bottom mixing with the frozen tundra of the toilet could cause major disaster.

So does anybody have any ideas on how I can approach this issue without posting this persons name across the office walls, perhaps in their own urine drops? I really dislike wiping their pee up. Or other things... ick.

Writing Workshop

2009-02-15T15:03:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure what you have scheduled for Tuesday night but whatever it is, cancel it and make sure that you're at the Vineyard Community Church's Student Union building for a sweet writing workshop led by Brad Wise. Who's Brad? Brad is the Creative Director at VCC; he dreamed up the {re}gifter and directed it; and he's the dude behind a creative writing blog I help administer, 110words.... So Brad knows a thing or two about writing.

Anywoo, whether you've written novels or just funny e-mails, come out and have some fun writing with your peers. Brad will facilitate and it's only from 7-8:30pm so it's not even that long. I went to the last one and it was a blast.

Join us for an experiment in short fiction led by Brad Wise. Your imagination will be stretched through exhilarating, invigorating, stimulating and amusing writing exercises. (How about those big words?)It'll be fun and laid back, perfect for non-writers and closet-novelistsalike. Bring your laptop and/or journal + pen. For ages 16-103.

Perfect Way To Spend A Friday Evening

2009-02-12T07:55:00.002-05:00

Okay, so as you may or may not have heard, The Q City Players Comedy Improv Troupe is performing at Riley's Restaurant tomorrow evening.

Here's the skinny:

Riley's is hosting the perfect way to kick off Valentine's Day - a dinner and show.

For only $25 a ticket you recieve a smoking amazing dinner. Your choice of Salmon with Wine Lemon Sauce, Top Sirloin Steak or Chicken Marsala served with White Cheddar Mashed Potatos, Salad, Rolls, Beverage, Dessert. AND you get an 1 1/2hr of The Q City Players. Oh, and tax and gratuity are also included.

If your mouth is watering already, just call Riley's Restaurant 513-771-3361; ask for a manager and then tell them which show you would like to attend - the 6pm or the 7:15pm. Also, tell them what delicous entree you'd like to scarf down.

See you then!

dang it

2009-02-04T07:45:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning with Isaac's sinus infection.

ARGH!!!

banging my head against the wall

2009-02-02T21:56:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling a little frustrated and a little overwhelmed today.