tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47359342170589743692024-03-12T23:08:11.490-04:00intertwining emotionsthe story of a girl just trying to get thru lifeworkinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.comBlogger131125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-50422822019189954012014-03-20T22:24:00.001-04:002014-03-20T23:27:00.103-04:00It's Okay To Be Glad He's DeadIn case you have not heard, Westboro Baptist Church founder/leader, Fred Phelps, has died. If you are unfamiliar with who WBC is, they are the folks who spew hate filled venom at concerts (I'm pretty certain they were at Cornerstone the year I went), are infamous for their 'God Hates Fags' signage and protesting soldier's funerals. They are known for nothing but their hatred. <br>
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So this week when the news broke that Phelps was near death/died, it's not surprising that there seemed to be a collective sigh of relief... There was also a monsoon of articles and posts from Christians crying, 'you must forgive!' I found that mildly unsettling, but it took me a couple of days to figure out why... <br><br>1) Immediately proclaiming, 'you must forgive' is in a sense, glossing over a range of emotions. We are not robots. We do not simply flip a switch and 'turn on our forgiveness'. Forgiveness is a PROCESS. It's a very personal process and one that typically only occurs after many nights spent soul-searching... And there's a lot of anger and confusion and denial and tears all mixed up in there in between. You may reach forgiveness, but it's certainly not going to be because somebody TOLD you to. <br>
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2) 'But Jesus Commanded Us To Forgive'... Yes. We know. We all know. He also talked a lot about money, but that hasn't stopped a lot of you from being stingy to your wait staff. He did tell us to forgive... and to never stop forgiving... That's the radicalness of it to me - the fact that we are even supposed to entertain the idea of forgiving those who have truly wronged us. <br>
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3) Search your feelings (Luke)... but don't stay there. Process the anger and frustration and whatever else... If you don't ever allow yourself to feel those things, you'll never ever be able to embrace the concepts of love and forgiveness. And that's the real win. workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-21632605901830973702014-01-14T21:56:00.000-05:002014-01-14T22:02:30.328-05:00rebirthTwo Things:<br />
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1) I'm getting divorced. This blows. <br />
2) I've decided to try Jesus and church again. This scares me.<br />
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Isaac was the first real, stable romantic relationship that I ever had. We still love each other, though we weren't very good at being married. But god-dammit, if we didn't try. <br />
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There are a few take-aways that I've been able to muster over the last few months. First and foremost, I am a stronger, more productive, self-assured woman because of him. I have learned eros love because of him. I am 100% a better person because he loved me. How can I be ungrateful for that?<br />
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I know and have always known that he will be such a fantastic daddy to his future kids. My faith in that is unwavering.<br />
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I mourn for the loss of my extended family. I was (am) extremely blessed to have phenomenal in-laws who loved me like I was their own. I was blessed with four fantastic sister/brother-in-laws and three really great nieces and nephews. I will miss them. I do miss them. I can't even have phone conversations because I'll just burst into tears. How do you thank someone for loving you like their own child for 8 years? How do you say good-bye?<br />
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My grandmother passed away in September. We weren't exceptionally close, but I never doubted her love for me. It was simple and pure and unwavering. Her last 5 years on earth were pretty crappy. Death never seems very gracious. It runs amuck, overturning and disturbing everything along it's path. God's silence did not go unnoticed to me in the past years where my Grandma, my family and myself prayed for her return to Jesus. It certainly did not go unnoticed in the chaos surrounding my grandfather's passing. I was angry. And hurt. And I felt turned against. <br />
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In the final days before my grandmother passed, I felt a sense of peace for her. I felt Jesus. Like she was safe. And I felt loved in the most simple and pure way. She loved her Lord the way she loved me - unwavering. And in the end, it was the simplicity of her faith that led me to believe she is ok now. And please believe me when I say that I realize how stupid and weak that sounds to some of you. It sounds simple minded to me as well, I not even going to deny that. <br />
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Between the divorce and the death of my Grandma, something in me has changed. Through the shards of brokenness and hurt and pain, there is some form of light that is shining through. It is not bright, but it is there. It is hope. <br />
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So now I sit here... weeping uncontrollably for dreams that have passed, but holding out hope for the newness that's bubbling through. I am not the same woman I was 20 years ago. 6 years ago. 4 months ago. I have changed - I am broken and hurt and dirty and untrusting (in others as well as myself and in God) and righteously angry about things. I am a vulgar, liberal, unmarried, childless woman who questions everything, including people who don't seem to question their faith. I'm deeply embarrassed and annoyed at what most American Christians seem to think is persecution. I'm humiliated at the way Christians treat other humans in the name of their loving God. But I'm betting on Jesus. I'm betting that even if no one else loves me or I ever find my place or if I never stop questioning my faith in humanity, that what he taught is true. What he spoke and what he showed by example is true love. I'm betting all on Jesus. <br />
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So if anybody knows of a place where hurt people go to heal. Where they are not looked upon for what they can give to further a fund. Where ALL are accepted and loved. Where the weary tread. Where the broken go for shelter and are loved for who they are and not who they have been, then give me a ring. Cause I need a respite in Jesus. <br />
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workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-47959501181875281992013-12-21T23:21:00.002-05:002013-12-21T23:21:41.355-05:00peaceI originally posted this 2 years ago today. This has definitely been on my heart and mind lately, and I felt the need to share it again. <br />
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<a href="http://www.intertwiningemotions.blogspot.com/2011/12/may-there-be-peace-to-all-this.html?m=1">http://www.intertwiningemotions.blogspot.com/2011/12/may-there-be-peace-to-all-this.html?m=1</a>workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-22560716394972255932013-10-19T12:58:00.001-04:002013-10-19T23:08:07.203-04:00Dear Self<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSOBljoUPW7uiEFKrJ0lTYj7nK0_w7phHGvE0fx-BVQEaWOFQoARCWwcdjqPkt-NqZW-uK13I_BQhnqzoEK3FMKFBaPrAi9F2VKwu3zMLxxhzH-lkdXF348lZrXoE6DCFszlRN1_BFB2un/s640/blogger-image--22544703.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSOBljoUPW7uiEFKrJ0lTYj7nK0_w7phHGvE0fx-BVQEaWOFQoARCWwcdjqPkt-NqZW-uK13I_BQhnqzoEK3FMKFBaPrAi9F2VKwu3zMLxxhzH-lkdXF348lZrXoE6DCFszlRN1_BFB2un/s640/blogger-image--22544703.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div>Dear Self, <div><br></div><div>As I look back at all the pictures that are hanging on the walls at mom and dads, there's so many things that I wish I could tell you. You're not a fat cow even though you're certain that you are. You will eventually eat your way into obesity, but in those captured moments, you're not. </div><div><br></div><div>It will take you a long time, but eventually you'll begin to embrace your quirkiness and randomness and just your own strange since of humor. Not everyone will be able to get it, but that's okay. </div><div><br></div><div>This is really hard to believe, but eventually you will learn to love yourself. It'll start very slowly and extremely painfully, but moment by moment you'll learn to like yourself and embrace yourself and eventually just be okay with who you are. Not all of the decisions that you make will be wise ones, but hey, nobody's perfect. </div><div><br></div><div>McDonald's will still be your favorite restaurant. Jeff Frankenstein of The Newsboys will get married but it won't be to you. You will find this to be appalling. </div><div><br></div><div>You'll never do <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">illegal drugs and wont smoke. You'll be pretty proud of this, though you do drink</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">. Almost everything that you think up until your 30's that is extremely morally important, goes by the wayside. The things that last are loving others, taking care of others, taking care of yourself. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">A few short months after you graduate high school you'll develop an OCD habit where you think that you're never wearing pants. This will continue for at least the next 15 years. Everyday you will check to make sure you wearing pants. If you're really nervous or anxious you check A LOT. Rest assure, you have never actually left the house without pants on.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Grandma and Grandpa Johnson will eventually pass on. Grandpa's death will hit you the hardest. You'll find yourself doing things just to try and make him proud... You're not sure if he can see or hear you, but you kinda hope he can.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">There will come in time when you just hate yourself. You'll wish that you didn't exist. Things that you thought were normal growing up, actually weren't. Things that you always believed to be true, including your theology, you will struggle with for very long time. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">You're not stupid and even though you don't have a dramatic story to tell, you learn to embrace the imperfections of life and just tell the story that you have.You'll recognize that there's other people out there who see parts of themselves in you, just like you see parts of yourself in others. Imperfection's a good thing - it'll make you bitter and jagged, a little jaded - but that's okay, so is life. Suck it up.</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">If I could go back in time & tell you just one thing it would be this, love yourself. And when that seems too hard, love others. Love never fails.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><br></div>workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-88521836782182870232013-06-26T00:27:00.001-04:002013-06-26T00:27:49.062-04:00You're A Little Bit Country, I'm A Little Bit F*cked Up<strong>couple of things that are semi important to know about me:</strong><br />
* I despise liars/lying. It's my #1 pet peeve.<br />
* I believe that it's not what you do that defines you, it's who you are on the inside. (ex: I could care less if Isaac became a potato farmer if it made him happy. His job title has nothing to do with his character and heart) ... I'm pretty stellar at believing this about other people but sorta crappy applying to myself. <br />
* I've been told :) that I push people away. It's a fear based thing. I'll probably always be a 'wear my heart on my sleeve' sorta girl, but I'm always convinced people will leave if they knew the 'real me', so I typically try and tell the worst things about myself and/or just backpedal out of the relationship. Most times I don't realize I'm doing it until it's too late and I'm guessing that it's confusing and hurtful to others. It's probably one of my ugliest flaws.<br />
* I love the idea of justice and things working out for the greater good. Hero wins, bad guy gets his ass kicked. I'm guessing that's why I'm so drawn to law enforcement/justice shows and comic book movies. <br />
* I went from 'super christian' to 'I have no idea what I am' in the course of about 3-4 years. I am both deeply ashamed by this and slightly relieved. I feel like I can 'be the true me' now, but also that I've lost my community and my sense of belonging. The last 2 make me both angry and sad. Most days I feel very lost. <br />* It's also important to note that there wasn't this one terrible incident or person that 'wronged' me at a church. A lot of my issues stem from just pure selfishness. I thought or least assumed that if I played by whatever moral and churchy rules, that God would kinda owe me something or at best, things would just 'work out'... I think I believed Romans 8:28 a little too literally... "<span class="text Rom-8-28" id="en-NIV-28145">And we know that in all things God works for the good<sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28145A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup> of those who love him, who have been called<sup class="crossreference" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28145B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup> according to his purpose." </span><br />
<span class="text Rom-8-28">* Anyway, so as it turns out, I'm kinda of a selfish bastard. And the more I learned about my own fallacies and inadequacies, the more I began to admit and recognize flaws in both theories and stories in the Bible. Or just even the hypocrisy in the idea that if something good happens we believe that it was God... but if something happens that we don't want to happen, it's of Satan... or worse, if something terrible happens to a person or a city we don't like... that was the sign of God's wrath. We can't have it both ways. God is not as flippant as our opinions are. </span><br />
<span class="text Rom-8-28">* Regardless of what I realized about myself or the questions that I had about faith, I knew I didn't want to be what I was before... which was rather judgemental and harsh. There were always things that didn't set right with my own personal belief system growing up, but it seemed so much more deep rooted now. I genuinely feel that I tried to 'come back to Jesus', but I got burned time and time again. It was just insultingly painful. </span><br />
<span class="text Rom-8-28">* I used to 'serve with a purpose'... and that purpose was that I felt called to do something... Now when I fight against perceived injustice and/or give of myself or whatever, it's more because it's A) partially who I am as a person and B) I feel like if there is a God, this is my way of following/honoring him. </span><br />
<span class="text Rom-8-28">* So whatta do when you realize you don't/can't be who you were but aren't sure of who you want to be?</span><br />
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Found this CS Lewis quote. Seems timely.<br />
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To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” <br />― <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1069006.C_S_Lewis">C.S. Lewis</a>, <i><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/14816053">The Four Loves</a></i><br />
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workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-62249390231212379592012-12-04T23:28:00.000-05:002012-12-04T23:28:36.605-05:00My Baggage Looks Better Than Your Baggage<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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One lovely summer evening I was chatting with someone about hurt feelings they were experiencing with a mutual friend. I was trying explain how each of them came to the table with their own set of baggage. If there is unknown, or worse yet, ignored emotional land mines in a relationship, it can prove to be explosive. <br />
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It got me thinking though... Everybody comes into a relationship with baggage. Whether it's romantic, friendship, work, religious groups. Heck, we're <em>born</em> into baggage. Our DNA is intertwined with both maternal and paternal flaws and hiccups. If we happen to pro-create, we just add to the mix... Discovering what your baggage is, can be both tricky and sometimes an extremely painful process. There's not a huge learning curve, and rocky relationships can only seem to minimize the arch. <br />
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As I've gotten older, I've recognized (or been told :) some of the crap I carry around. Some months I gain baggage at an alarmingly high rate... I've also gotten pretty decent at 'announcing' it. This blog serves as a show and tell sometimes. Airing out insecurities can be both healing for myself, and sometimes for other readers. It's good to not feel so alone... However, here's the weird part- as good as I've gotten about telling other people about my flaws, I still go into relationships assuming they're not coming with any baggage of their own. And on my worst days, sorta just marching in with all of my luggage, dumping it on the ground and saying, "Here's all of my stuff. Take me or leave me, but you're gonna have to deal with it." Never really considering that their wounds and emotional scars might come along for the ride. <br />
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Over the last few months, it's become increasingly apparent to me that the closer I grow to people, the longer I'm in friendships, the deeper I dig into relationships, the more baggage I start bumping into. I can only be in a close-knit room or group for awhile until each piece of my baggage starts bumping into the other person's. So then I'm left with the choice - do I throw my belongings down and have a hissy fit or do I apologize and have grace and walk more carefully because I love (or am called to love) the other person? <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqpymZrBvykxa9c4QHkCpzwoYz8SBNtfIeNDa2ZvwcOSTsXk4ARZwhOi0oAIWaTHRBeQGeSmMJs0O6_1sJfM34Ej4Y5vbjdcWAI21zpOnTzFzeJyuwnnG9e2Xbn-qWvFjbuqf79stjds_j/s1600/lots+o+baggage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqpymZrBvykxa9c4QHkCpzwoYz8SBNtfIeNDa2ZvwcOSTsXk4ARZwhOi0oAIWaTHRBeQGeSmMJs0O6_1sJfM34Ej4Y5vbjdcWAI21zpOnTzFzeJyuwnnG9e2Xbn-qWvFjbuqf79stjds_j/s1600/lots+o+baggage.jpg" /></a>workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-31359133132005625202012-11-24T17:47:00.000-05:002012-11-24T17:47:51.926-05:00pain
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I tend to pen either ridiculous blog material or what could
be considered somewhat intense, deeply personal musings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do that in ‘real life’ too… I think it’s
how I keep my sanity…. Regardless, this is one of those deep crappy sappy ones,
so if you’re not in the mood, now may be an excellent time to go toss the
football with the kids in the backyard…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s no secret that I struggle with my faith, my weight and
self-esteem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I doubt that I’ll ever NOT
struggle with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most days I can deal
with it. But sometimes, they combine their nasty forces for evil and release
some super storm. Sorta like when Jean Grey Summers became the Phoenix in
X-Men… sorta… <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And as a side note… most everything ‘serious’ that I ever
blog about is extremely personal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not to
say it shouldn’t be shared – it’s not called the World Wide Web for nothing –
but as an exercise for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s a few
things that I’ve learned over the years… A) Bottling it all up and keeping it
to yourself is extremely unhealthy and can have terrible consequences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>B) Somebody, somewhere, is probably going
through or will go through some variation of whatever it is that you’re feeling
at this moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>C) Blogging for me is a
way to keep myself honest. It’s almost a religious or holy experience for me.
Being able to emote through written words releases an endorphin of sorts. It’s
that gasp of extremely valuable air that you need while you’re in the ocean,
allowing you to be carried away by the waves for a few more moments. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s also a wonderful way to procrastinate when you don’t
really want to talk about what’s bothering you… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Okay, so here’s my baggage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m still really upset over the whole Africa trip thing… I feel like I
was going there with very pure intentions and it was mistaken as something
otherwise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not exactly sure how it
could have been, but I’m devastated by it. Isaac sometimes tries to explain the possible
reasoning behind the other person’s response, but really, all I want to hear
is, “They were completely wrong and you were completely right.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s probably totally immature and I’m sure
there’s a few of you who would say, “Just get over it”, but hey, that’s where I’m
at. That wound is still very, very sore. And I’m having a lot of difficulty
moving past it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I hate how much weight I’ve gained. My breathing is labored,
airplane seats are tighter, clothes don’t fit. I eat all the time. I eat
everything. It’s my comfort and my thorn. I have no idea how that works, but I’m
stuck in that hamster wheel again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
joined Weight Watchers again in February. I’ve gone once since then. I haven’t
been to the gym in months. I really don’t want to go back. What I really want
to do is sleep. And eat. And then sleep more. I have headaches all the time. I
don’t go certain places or see certain people because I’m so freaked out by how
many pounds I’ve put on since I last saw them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was thinner, I liked some of the
attention I got and the clothes that I could wear… but I hated hearing people
comment on in. It was like a little stab in my heart when people would say
something about how “skinny” I was. (For the record – I’ve never been skinny. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just less fat.) I wasn’t able to take the
compliments well. That, and I still felt like a fat person stuck in a thinner
person’s body. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Weird shit, I know. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ah yes, and now on to the most painful one. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The one I don’t really want to talk about, but
feel like I should… the stupid, God damn baby issue. Nothing in this world makes
you feel like a bigger loser as a woman, than not being able to pro-create. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Zippo. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nada. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Zilch.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are so many emotions that come
with it. Anger is really the one that I’m pretty stuck in lately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Haven’t bothered with birth control in over 3
years. “Trying” for around a year or more. To some people that nothing. But to
me, it feels like eternity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Periods are
never an enjoyable experience, but once a month, I am now reminded that I suck
at making babies. It makes me hate myself and my body even more. Again, a
million and one emotions all the time. Guilt, shame, anger, betrayal… all kinda
wrapped up in there. Until 3 or 4 years ago, I didn’t actually want a baby. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At all. (side note: my incredibly good friend,
Katie, is fond of reminding me that whatever I swear I don’t want to happen, eventually
happens. So please, let me take this time to say, “I never want to be rich. I
never want to be rich. I never want to be rich.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay, back to seriousness…) <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no desire to be a mom, mainly because I
thought I would be so terrible at it. My child would hate me; I wouldn’t want
it; I’d be a horrible parent; I wouldn’t want to be involved in its life; there
would be something wrong; I would miscarry; I wouldn’t be able to afford it…
Lots of deep seeded shit that I had to wade through. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With a lot of help from my shrink and friends,
I was able to release some of that pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think I believed that if I let go of the pain and the unsubstantiated thoughts,
everything would work out. However, Life does not work that way. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So now I’m a bit tangled between being angry
that I can’t seem to produce the one thing my body was made to create and all
of those funky, ugly thoughts and emotions bubbling up again. The fact of the
matter is, I could write this and next month, be pregnant and have this really
great kid/life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’ve also thought
that for the last 3 years. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">People try and say really nice, helpful, comforting things.
While I appreciate the thought, they aren’t helpful. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people close to me have offered to pray.
That’s fine if you want to, but please don’t tell me about it. I don’t pray
anymore. I feel like God’s kinda just thrown me into a bunch of shit the last
several years, and I’m worn out. I’m burned out. I no longer belong. I have
lost my tribe and I feel homeless. I’m not going to go to church and beg God
for something that he already knows I want. Something I’ve prayed for long ago.
I will not use him as my magic genie any more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m depressed again and that frustrates the life out of me.
I feel l have nothing left to give most days. I am mentally and physically worn
out. I don’t enjoy the same things that I used to. I want just a very few select
group of people around me so I kinda of retreat otherwise. I would love to just
sleep all day. But I can’t. I get really needy when I get like this. I feel
deserted and alone and like a failure. I feel like I bog down my marriage and
friendships and life. Blah. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I dunno. So maybe there’s someone out there who sometimes
feels alone or sad or wants to have a kid and can’t seem to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or maybe you think I’m as big of a loser as I
do. Who knows. Feel free to comment or post your struggles anonymously. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-82848903376505703482012-10-28T13:03:00.000-04:002012-10-28T13:03:58.006-04:00Everyone Can Be An Enrique Iglesias SongFew weeks ago I heard about little kids who are sold into the sex slave trade. Children whose parents sell them to help put food on the table and/or little girls who are sold a bill of goods about the 'job' they've been hired for. I heard about how they're forced to perform sex acts on men 15-20x a day. <br /> <br />Then I heard that there's a group of people who actually go in and rescue the kids (the youngest they've rescued is 5 yrs old).After they're rescued, the group (Destiny Rescue) counsels them and teaches them a real occupation so they can earn a living. I also heard that it's only $1500 to fund a rescue. So, I contacted the group and the lovely people at <a href="http://www.destinyrescue.org/us/" target="_blank">Destiny Rescue</a> set up a website for me. <br /> <br />So, if you think kids being funneled through the sex slave business is wrong, you can donate $15 to help fund the rescue <a href="http://www.razoo.com/story/Rescue-A-Child-Jen-Stambaugh" target="_blank">here</a>.<br /> <br />If you really want to know what to get me for Christmas, you can click <a href="http://www.razoo.com/story/Rescue-A-Child-Jen-Stambaugh" target="_blank">here</a>. <br /> <br />If you finally cleaned out all of the change in your couch, you can click <a href="http://www.razoo.com/story/Rescue-A-Child-Jen-Stambaugh" target="_blank">here</a>.<br /> <br />If you still have trouble sleeping over the guilt you feel after not picking me up when my car broke down, you can click <a href="http://www.razoo.com/story/Rescue-A-Child-Jen-Stambaugh" target="_blank">here</a>. <br /> <br />If you're my mom and you don't trust <a href="http://www.razoo.com/story/Rescue-A-Child-Jen-Stambaugh" target="_blank">hyperlinks</a>, you can click here <a href="http://www.razoo.com/story/Rescue-A-Child-Jen-Stambaugh" target="_blank">http://www.razoo.com/story/Rescue-A-Child-Jen-Stambaugh</a>workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-74830714839297594372012-10-21T15:34:00.001-04:002012-10-21T15:36:17.596-04:00something to believe inI don't think it's any secret that I've been wrestling with my faith over the last couple of years. Maybe in ten years I'll look back and say, "remember when", but honestly, I hope not. I hope that I will never be continent to take everything at face value and yet, somehow embrace the idea that I believe in a living God who wants the best for us. Even if we think He's a joke, that he's still on our side. Looking out for our best interest and earnestly cares about 'the least of these', those who have been discarded by the church and society. No matter what I end up thinking about religion, I hope that I never ever loose site of loving the forgotten, misled, discarded and damned. <br />
<br />
That being said, a few weeks ago I felt 'led' (whatever that means to you) to go to church. I rarely go anymore and I kinda prefer it that way. Anyway, got there and heard a moving, yet factual story of little girls, not that far away, who are forced to perform sex acts on men 15-20x a day. They're part of a very real, very rich, very public industry. From what I understand, the girls (and some little boys) end up there either because their parents sold them so they could have food or because the family was sold a bill of goods about where the girls were really going. Talk about the ultimate sacrifice... <br />
<br />
Luckily, there's some decent people still left in the world who think that allowing children to be raped repeatedly isn't in their best interest. So they go out and rescue the little kids (the youngest was 5 yrs old) and then teach them how to actually sustain a real income at a real job and help them with counseling and shelter. And you know what the craziest part is? It's only $1500 to fund a rescue. That is mind blowing to me. It's only around $40 a month to help sustain the girls once they're rescued and like, $5-25 to buy jewelry that the girls make. How much more simple could they have made it? <br />
<br />
As much of a distaste of religion that I have, helping fund the rescue of a kid seems like a true worship experience to me.<br />
<br />
If you'd like to donate a couple of bucks to fund a rescue, click on this <a href="http://www.razoo.com/story/Rescue-A-Child-Jen-Stambaugh" target="_blank">link</a>. <br />
<br />
If you'd like to find out more about the folks who do all of this, click <a href="http://www.destinyrescue.org/us/" target="_blank">here</a>.workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-43236245996784348112012-08-06T20:00:00.001-04:002012-08-06T21:35:32.942-04:00A New Perspective (cause all of that other stuff sure did suck)I've been a little bummed lately. Feeling a little let down.<br />
<br />
Last year was a year of discovery for me. Discovering who I was, what I believed, what I considered to be truth. <br />
<br />
I began this year with a new sense of excitement. I certainly wasn't a renewed 'Jesus Freak' or something. I was just willing to take a gamble on a few things.<br />
<br />
Turns out I suck at betting.<br />
<br />
Through a series of very unfortunate incidents of miscommunication and one really crazy e-mail from a missionary in Africa, I ended up losing $1k on a plane ticket and had my heart (and mainly pride) shredded. Eventually we made amends, and I ended up on her "Dearest Girlfriends" monthly e-mail list. While I appreciated the gesture, I eventually ended up blocking her e-mail address a few months ago, as receiving monthly updates on a country and city that I was denied entrance to seemed to throw me into a tailspin. I don't hate anybody. I sincerely hope the ministry flourishes. I'll probably continue to still donate to it. I just found the whole thing to be more than disheartening and quite frankly, it just really pissed me off. <br />
<br />
March/April I thought I was pregnant for a short stint. Lots of solid reasons why, but turns out I wasn't. Found out on April's Fool's Day. Actually, I thought I had a miscarriage. Turns out it was neither. SOB. All the research online seems to suggest that women can make up pregnancy symptoms when they just really want to have a kid. Some online comments are a little less kind. All my doctors assure me that I'm not crazy and it happens to a lot of people. I think that's when I began my month long binge eating phase...<br />
<br />
Tried to put together a respite for kids with disabilities... Respite's something I gave up a couple of years ago and it was a major, major step for me to be willing to even be involved, let alone try and put one together. That never came to fruition. Felt humiliated. Probably no reason to, but I did.<br />
<br />
I dunno know, some other personal and professional stuff happened and I just began to lose hope. I felt like I had 'put myself out there' so to say several times, trying to trust God again or just do something good for somebody and just got slapped in the face. I really kinda wanted to be like, "Hello God, throw me a bone here" (seriously, does anybody ACTUALLY say that phrase anymore?!)<br />
<br />
I really don't even know how to pray anymore. I don't think I have the faith that anything good will come of it. I want the miracle for people, but for various reasons, I don't feel like it'll happen. Maybe God's depressed. <br />
<br />
I read this on my friend <a href="https://www.facebook.com/charlie.hines.96" target="_blank">Charlie Hines'</a> facebook page this weekend and it got me thinking... Perhaps I just need a new perspective.<br />
<br />
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<em>The day I prayed for salvation, I gave God permission to pursue me and intervene in my life as long as I live. I gave Him permission to assemble road blocks and guardrails to redirect my path. I gave Him permission to pursue me through the relationships He brought into my life and the pain and suffering that I'm exposed to on a daily basis. I love the fact that He never will quit on me and that <span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span></em><br />
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<em>he believes in me even more than I do. So maybe you are out there wondering why all this is happening in your life. And maybe you prayed a prayer giving God permission to direct your path. Maybe you prayed it when you were a kid or maybe just a few weeks, months, or years ago. Maybe you have forgotten you ever prayed it. Well He did not. So God thanks for what I'm going through... It means you haven't quit on me.</em></div>
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</div>workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-76888371476865283812012-07-05T19:25:00.002-04:002012-07-05T19:25:50.452-04:00Dear World,<br />
<br />
I have gained back all of the weight I lost last year and then a few pounds.<br />
<br />
It was delicious.workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-63413535733137412012-07-04T22:58:00.000-04:002012-07-04T22:58:13.762-04:00so I made zuchini bread tonight...In light of the recent Jerry Sandusky trial, it's caused me to reflect a few things. <br />
<br />
1) By the grace of God, I was never sexually abused myself, but I have known many, many people who have been and a handful of others that I strongly suspect were. (as well as others who have done the abusing)<br />
<br />
2) Abusers can be relatives, family friends or trusted aquaintainces. While stranger danger is a real threat, it seems a lot of times that it's the ones who are the closest, who learn to gain your trust (or have already have it, just by being born into the family) that seemingly hold the power. <br />
<br />
3) It's not your fault. You didn't ask for it. You didn't deserve it. You're not dirty. Don't pretend you're over it or it didn't really affect you. Seek professional help and allow them to walk you through the raw emotions. <br />
<br />
4) Your accuser doesn't have to be an evil person. They may have done an evil thing, but that doesn't neccesarily make them evil. (But they probably do still feel evil to you) They can be someone who is considered to be a good person and who is looked up to by the community and family. It doesn't mean that what happened to you is okay. <br />
<br />
5) I've known people who try and "wash off" the abuse by taking multiple showers, always insisting that they're clean and presentable looking. I think some run from religion, while others fully embrace it. Perhaps the latter resides more with the philosophy that if they're "good' enough or learn to love others or something that they can possibly get rid of the feeling that they're done something wrong or maybe just the constant shame. I dunno know - it's just a theory drummed up by somebody who has no medical or physologicalial knowledge. <br />
<br />
6) I don't know. Maybe this means nothing. Perhaps this brought up terrible memories. If it did, I am sorry. This wasn't meant to cause you pain. Um, it's not neccesarily dinner conversation... but I think it's a life altering event that if not dealt with can have really serious consquences on relationships, marriages and just general trust issues. I'm afraid this is coming off as sloppy. I just... I just don't want the people who I care about to feel so alone or dirty or like no one could ever love them if they knew. Seek professional help. It's not your fault. Perhaps you could help end the cycle.workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-72239635513141686272012-05-04T21:44:00.000-04:002012-05-04T21:49:36.883-04:00Party Hardy<span style="color: blue;">This is a copy of a letter that I sent to some folks in response to the recent devastation in Henryville, IN. Check it out and see if this is something you'd be interested in.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"></span> <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;">After hearing about the devastation that the tornados caused to towns not so far from us, I felt compelled to help. Especially my friends with special needs. Structure and repetition are kinda a big deal to lots of my friends with disabilities, and having your home, school and daily routine literally blown away has a way of impeding that. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;">So, my friends and I are throwing a PARTY for kids with special needs and their siblings in Henryville, IN. But we can't do it alone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;">If loving on a kid (and parent) who's life has been turned upside down sounds of interest to you, click on this <a href="https://www.formstack.com/forms/?1211023-xE1k1gXqoC" target="_blank">link</a> Or, if the hyperlink's not working, type this in <a href="https://www.formstack.com/forms/?1211023-xE1k1gXqoC" target="_blank">https://www.formstack.com/forms/?1211023-xE1k1gXqoC</a> Personally, I would just click on the hyperlink.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"></span> <br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;">Anyway, check it out. Sign up. Leave a comment here if you have any questions, etc.<strong> </strong></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;"><strong></strong></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;"><strong>Here's the DL/FAQ:</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><strong><em>What:</em></strong> Breathe Respite (aka party for kids with special needs and their siblings)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><strong><em>When:</em></strong> Saturday, May 19th from 10am-1pm (volunteers MUST be there by 9:30am)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><strong><em>Where:</em></strong> Memphis Christian Church 13503 Memphis-Bluelick Rd Memphis, IN 47143</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><strong><em>Say What:</em></strong> It's in Henryville, IN, about 20 mins away from Louisville and about 75 minutes away from Cincinnati</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><strong><em>Is This A "Christian" Thing:</em></strong> We hold respites because most of us dig Jesus and think loving on people with special needs is something he'd be into. It's our way of loving others. It is held at a church, but that's partly because it's one of the more structurally sound locations there and partly because we roped the pastor into it. No one will be handing out tracks or splashing holy water on you. The families won't be required to go to church anywhere or pay anything for this. No one dresses up like Jesus. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><strong><em>I'm A Career Criminal, Am I Invited:</em></strong> This probably isn't your gig. Every volunteer must be complete a national background check through Protect My Ministry. Cost of the check is $9. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><strong><em>Can I Bring My Young Kids:</em></strong> As mature and fun-loving as I'm certain your offspring are, please leave them at Grandma's for the afternoon. We'd love it if all of the attention could be focused on just the one child you've been paired up with.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><strong><em>But My Kids Are Awesome. You've Met Them. Puh-Lease Can I Bring Them:</em></strong> No. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><strong><em>What's The Minimum Age Requirement To Serve:</em></strong> Junior High </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><strong><em>What Link Am I Supposed To Click On Again To Sign Up To Serve Again?:</em></strong> <a href="https://www.formstack.com/forms/?1211023-xE1k1gXqoC" target="_blank">This one</a> </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Also check out:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><a href="http://www.freerespite.com/">www.freerespite.com</a> </span></div>
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</div>workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-73556945612955298382012-04-17T00:22:00.000-04:002012-04-17T00:24:46.052-04:00How Very 2003 Of Me...I've waited a bit too long to begin writing this... My eyes are becoming increasingly heavy... This will either prove to work towards your benefit, as it will be a shorter blog than usual or will do the opposite - just be too drawn out and miscomjobulated. You know, one of these things.<br />
<br />
It's been a while since I've written anything. If you know me for any period of time, you'll begin to notice that this is usually a tell tale sign that something funky's going on in my life on some level, and I just don't feel comfortable sharing it.<br />
<br />
The short and sweet of it is that over the past 4 months, I've been emotionally hurt, lost money, lost even more pride, experienced fantastic highs and pretty bad lows. (that last part just made me sound bi-polar - I'm not) <br />
<br />
The following may be more for me, but I'm going to attempt to share via bullet points what I've gone through/learned/continuously learning.<br />
<br />
* Due to a series of unfortunate incidents, my depression worsened. This makes me feel broken, miserable, discarded, worthless<br />
<br />
* I also lost/spent a LOT of money in a very short amount of time. This makes me feel foolish (1 time I had to go to the doctor and the other time I thought I was doing something right), naive, stupid, juvenile, a terrible spouse<br />
<br />
* Finally began recognizing that I do binge eat. I don't think I've actually been hungry since 2010. I've gained 24lbs since September. 5bs just in the last month. On some level I'm able to recognize that this is unhealthy. On a more emotional level, I'm so overwhelmed with everything else, that I just don't care. Realizing all of this makes me feel shameful, unworthy of friendship and love, a major, ginormous embarrassment to my friends/family.<br />
<br />
* There's some really great things about being married. Being sad a lot and feeling like you (unintentionally) put an extreme amount of pressure on your spouse to make you "okay" is terrible. Whether real or not, I feel awful after sharing things with Isaac. I partially feel relieved to get it off of my chest, but the other part of me feels like a giant Eeyore that moozied on into the room. I've tried to express it before, but it's not my spouse's job to make me 'happy'. It's just not. <br />
<br />
* Periodically I get my panties into a wad about Christians who seem to present their version of the gospel as a spiritual 'wham, bam, thank you m'am'. I don't believe that's what Jesus taught. I typically refer back to the section in Luke 5 when Jesus tells his posse and some church folk that, as the New Living Translation puts it - <woj>“Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do." </woj><br />
<woj>Somehow we've tricked ourselves and others into believing that 'Jesus Saves' means that we'll never have to deal with our drug or sex addictions. Our judgemental attitudes or loose tongues. Marriage problems will evade us and as long as we don't get a divorce, we've proven we really listened to God. I have done a fabulous job at convincing myself on many occasions that because I really searched out my faith, or that I did all of the right "steps" that I'll never have to deal with my own "afflictions". Because I love Jesus, I shouldn't ever have to really deal with recurrences of depression, doubt, self-loathing, anxiety, stress, obsessive tendencies or over eating. A) This is total BULL SHIT B) No sane person ever expects to go to the pediatrician as a baby and never have to see a doctor again for the rest of their lives. C) Nor should any sane person rack their faith up to check marks. </woj><br />
<br />
<woj>As much as I talk about my friends and the need for community, I'm still pretty into me. I would like to believe that I should have mastered (insert something here) by now. I don't really <em>need</em> continual saving....</woj><br />
<br />
<woj>I'm sure there were other witty, intelligent thoughts that were dying to get out, but I've successfully stayed asleep on the couch with the computer in my lap for at least the last 45-60 minutes.... so I'm calling it a night.</woj><br />
<br />
<woj>Feel free to discuss/share (anonymous is always a swell safe way to share in my book) your thoughts, successes or struggles here. I can't promise that I'll always respond in the most loving way, but I promise that I'll fall asleep on the couch multiple times with the aim to...</woj><br />
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<br />workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-38241586941538457272012-02-23T12:32:00.000-05:002012-02-23T12:33:18.312-05:00Who Should Die From A Bug Bite?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZiZzz5WjOgIRLcY9E9JvvsfvSehJFTSNllQO8-Z6nxCoxK0MnqnWXlgagd4Y2Uq0xiGFmmB542QraFJJgDIab5Wle9zB7tg4f7ZjfXRqIkrb6-QzSJM6UHrcJtD_T7_qQOOPfjDUJ1dYJ/s1600/angie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZiZzz5WjOgIRLcY9E9JvvsfvSehJFTSNllQO8-Z6nxCoxK0MnqnWXlgagd4Y2Uq0xiGFmmB542QraFJJgDIab5Wle9zB7tg4f7ZjfXRqIkrb6-QzSJM6UHrcJtD_T7_qQOOPfjDUJ1dYJ/s320/angie.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">This is my friend and one time mission-trip bunkmate, Angie Boehmer. She's all forms of awesome sauce. </span><br />
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">Angie happens to be moving to Nigeria this summer. She's a nurse, a Jesus lover and all around great gal. She'll live there for over a year, using her medical skills to help the good folks stay healthy and not die from diseases caused by mosquito bites, diarrhea, malnutrition and dirty water. </span><br />
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><br />I don't love asking for money (nor has she asked me to write this), but helping Angie get/live over there is super high on my importance list. Isaac and I donated a bit today. It's super easy, just follow this <a href="https://usanet.sim.org/SIMGift/missionaries.php" target="_blank">link</a>. Angie's SIM # is 035768. <br />
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If you'd like more information on Angie's ministry partners, check out <a href="https://usanet.sim.org/SIMGift/start.php" target="_blank">SIM</a>, <a href="http://www.sseinc.org/" target="_blank">SSE</a> (Self Sustaining Enterprises) and <a href="http://vineyardcincinnati.com/" target="_blank">Vineyard Cincinnati</a>.<br />
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You can also follow Angie's blog at <a href="http://www.hopeoverflows.wordpress.com/">www.hopeoverflows.wordpress.com</a> <br />
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And please, feel free to share this with all of your friends : )<br />
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</span>workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-26288337552548449652012-01-18T14:13:00.002-05:002012-01-18T14:13:51.838-05:00Is Christian Accountability a Farse?<a href="http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/145836-why-i-don-t-believe-in-christian-accountability-giveaway.html#.TxbqVcXMdkw.facebook">http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/145836-why-i-don-t-believe-in-christian-accountability-giveaway.html#.TxbqVcXMdkw.facebook</a> <br />
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I thought it was a pretty interesting read. What are your thoughts?workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-89749310898106623672012-01-13T23:24:00.000-05:002012-01-22T21:04:48.789-05:0020 Things I've Learned Over The Past Year1) My suspicions about having an anxiety disorder were true. When I joked that I was ocd, I unknowingly was correct. And depression is nothing to be messed with.<br />
2) Telling somebody to "just get over it", "be happy", "I think you're pretty" (when it's not your spouse) or any form of Christianise saying, no matter how genuine it is, is not helpful to hear when you're at the bottom of the barrel.<br />
3) When I go to the doctor now, they say things like, "You're a healthy, young adult" instead of telling me my cholesterol is high or how I should really try and lose some weight. (I'm not dissing them. It's their job. Except for my old gyno - he was just a jerkwad) It's just really interesting to hear.<br />
4) Running a 5k is always better with family.<br />
5) Because I finished the 5k without passing out, it motivated me to take greater risks.<br />
6) It's incredibly humbling to take meds/therapy/excerise to even out the serotonin levels in my brain.<br />
7) It's even more humbling to realize that after beginning the meds, it began to control the amount of anxiety attacks and all of the really weird quirks that I never realized were a) not normal and b) associated with ocd.<br />
8) And if things couldn't get any more humbling... when I still have those hiccups. When I see glimpses of the woman I loathe emerging again. When I have an anxiety attack for "no reason", when I say something mean or stupid or thoughtless, when I can't stop obsessing for days over a dumb comment or look I think may have been projected at me... It's humbling and it makes me feel worthless and that I've let me friends down, as they can tell/feel 'I haven't really changed'. <br />
9) That being said... Hiccups happen. Life happens. Don't panic too much.<br />
10) I have rediscovered a deep and meaningful love for my husband, even more so than before.<br />
11) That I am wildly blessed to being getting paid to do what I love. And even more blessed knowing Isaac gets paid to do what he loves as well. To have two people be able to share in that at the same time... there's probably a higher likelihood of winning the lottery.<br />
12) Bridesmaids was so so funny. That an ensemble of woman could make a fantastic movie and be hilarious without being ditzy or leaning on their male counterparts. So proud.<br />
13) I decided I wanted to go back to Jos and hang with some friends.<br />
14) After a lot of soul-searching, I've sorta redefined my theology and faith and how Jesus intercedes in my life. None of it's bad. It was painful getting here... but I am so thankful for the journey. And I'm not stupid enough to think that it's over.<br />
15) Friends who allow you the time to just "breathe" and rediscover your faith and yourself without shoving a bunch of crap down your throat... those are life-long friends. Those friends count.<br />
16) Being a "leader" or being "involved" in whatever ministry is just something that I used to do, it's not who I am.<br />
17) I've decided it's okay be a leader in your field and be a Christian, but that is completely different than being a leader at your church. And I am 100% down with that. <br />
18) I think Jesus probably likes that I'm somewhat recklessly pursuing Him. <br />
19) Sometimes I hurt people, even though I don't mean to.<br />
20) It's okay to fail. Still hurts though : )workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-84086970325890176042012-01-08T17:28:00.001-05:002012-01-08T17:28:36.601-05:00manipulative beliefsSeveral months ago, a group of friends and I were having a discussion about various things, when someone asked a question (I'm paraphrasing here) about how to be in leadership and convey personal ideas or beliefs that their company may not be totally down with. I'm afraid none of us were much help. (My brilliant answer was to wait a long time and then revisit the idea. Granted, I was pretty in the dark about what they were talking about at the time, but still. Dumb answer.) Other responses alluded something to the effect of essentially tricking the receipts into believing the ideas. Think, boiling a frog... Knowing the hearts of my friends, I know that they weren't intending to sound manipulative, but it took me aback. I realized A) I never wanted to work under someone who operated under that mindset B) If I'm choosing to be honest, I'm sure I've probably been a bit of a con in the past - with good intentions - but still... C) I don't want to operate like that in the future. I never want to feel like I'm con-ing or manipulating anyone into believing something. Beliefs can't be forced. Just like you can't make somebody love you. They have to come to that decision on their own. I'm reading several books right now that helped me reinterate this truth - <em>unChristian</em> by David Kinnaman (president of the Barna research group) & Gabe Lyons and <em>Signs of Emergence</em> by Kester Brewin. Similar concepts that end up taking different paths.<br />
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But one thing remains true - if you want somebody to respect you and your beliefs, you've got to just be yourself. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Jesus. I think almost everyone (Christians included) is on high alert when it comes to sincerity. 'Believers' are awesome when it comes to being angry, political, judgemental, loud, brash, ignorant and pushing our agendas. We are not so well known for just letting things "breathe". To allow people to come to their own conclusions as well as allowing them the space to question certain beliefs without practically excommunicating them. When will we learn that good leaders (no matter what the business) lead by example and not by shoving things down people's throats?workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-4259621042334622011-12-21T14:38:00.001-05:002012-01-05T01:16:27.503-05:00May There Be Peace To All This ChristmasAlright. I must make this quick, as I have to get to work... I've been holding off for months on saying this, as I wanted to articulate it well. But alas, lately I've felt as if I don't say anything, especially around Christmas, I'll just burst. So here's the short and sweet.<br />
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I work with folks with special needs. Throughout the years they have been marginalized and shuffled off to 'keep with their own kind'. As a society, we believe there's something wrong with them. Health insurance companies largely don't want to touch them and no one wants to believe that they can love, develop true relationships, get married, and have children. It's almost a joke to some to believe that they could possibly be successful in life. As a society, we're so scared of our babies being born with a deficiency, that we'll abort them. Some of us believe that a dead baby is better than a "broken" one.<br />
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I tend to want to punch people in the face for thinking such thoughts. I believe we're all cut from the same cloth by the one true God who created us all. <br />
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So it got me thinking... who else as a society, and especially as a church, have we marginalized because they don't look like us or it just seems 'unnatural? Minorities. Check. Women. Check. Homosexuals. Double Check. <br />
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For thirty years I believed what I was taught - that if you're gay, you're less than. You're dirty. Flamboyant. Filthy minds and lying tongues. You're cheap and promiscuous.You must be fixed. You've chosen to be this way. You can't really love Jesus and you must never ever be given any form of power, lest we all turn into perverts and child molesters. But a surprising fact began to emerge... some of these homosexuals, really did seem to love Jesus. And they didn't have fangs. And I wasn't going to catch whatever this horrible thing was that they must have all carried to make them this way. <br />
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And I started to think... if I believe that we're all cut from the same cloth by the one true God who created us all, why did I believe that he couldn't really love the gay population? Why did I think that he was so disappointed in them as a whole? What type of kool-aid had I been given? As a church, we're embarrassed that our forefathers treated folks of a different color worse than animals. It's almost horrible enough, that we kinda block it out. We were a pathetic example of Jesus. As a church, why are we going down the same path then, with the gay and lesbian community? Do we really want our children blocking out our deeds and pathetic beliefs?<br />
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If Jesus really came to save us all. If he really came because we are all jacked up. If he really existed and is searching out those who have been discarded and unloved and are seen as misfits... then he must love us all. <br />
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May your Christmas be filled with much love and peace.workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-72021819968970873562011-12-15T12:30:00.001-05:002011-12-15T12:35:39.196-05:0040 Confessions (I think I should have been catholic)1) I really dislike brown picture frames. I'm actually using one right now for a Christmas gift, but it's a deep brown and it looks manly, so it fits the gift.<br />
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2) Candles make me ridiculously happy. I'm burning 2 right now.<br />
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3) I don't tell my friends enough how much I really love them and how great they really are. But I'm afraid that if I do, they won't take me seriously. Or I'll look like a stalker.<br />
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4) I love my dog more than I ever thought I could.<br />
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5) The clearance aisle in Hobby Lobby is really the place to shop.<br />
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6) I had 62 gifts to give out this year. Less than 12 were completely store bought. I only spent $6.25 on average per gift. I feel completely satisfied in this knowledge.<br />
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7) I have no desire to go back to see my therapist because I'm ashamed that I've gained 20 lbs. <br />
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8) I think I agreed to run a 1/2 marathon with Kristen Dooley in May. omg. OMG.<br />
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9) I have a tendency to say hurtful things without meaning to. <br />
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10) I have a very difficult time forgiving myself. I'm actually better at it than I used to be, but there's just some stuff...<br />
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11) I think it's harder to forgive yourself than it is others.<br />
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12) That being said, I still haven't forgiven a few people. I simply can't find it in me. I know it's wrong, but I'm not going to "fake" forgive somebody in order to attempt to clear my conscious. <br />
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13) I like feeling important. <br />
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14) I'm going back to Nigeria in May. I'm pretty stoked. <br />
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15) It's still easier for me to be friends with guys, or at least trust male friends more than females. But I am trying to work diligently on this. <br />
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16) I have favorites. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I think this would make a terrible attribute in a parent.<br />
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17) I think I just burned out the motor in my blender this morning. Oops.<br />
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18) I struggle with anxiety, depression and ocd. It's getting easier to handle, but still.<br />
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19) If you don't think there's anything wrong with today's government, just sit through a 90 minute health insurance meeting.<br />
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20) I've never really thought Fox News was fair and balanced. Ever.<br />
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21) I judge people who watch Fox News. It makes me uncomfortable to go into doctor's office's when it's the only thing on.<br />
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22) I have the most absolute random hair that grows out of my back. I hate it.<br />
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23) I bought a pair of awesome green jelly shoes at Kroger for like, a buck this summer. I love green and I love jelly shoes. However, they hurt so stinking bad. But I still wear them as a way to get back at my mom for throwing mine away when I was little. She has no idea that I probably even own jelly shoes, let alone remembers throwing my old ones away. I think the only person I'm hurting is me. But I still have a twinge of "I'll show her!" when I wear them. <br />
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24) Sometimes I do really dumb things.<br />
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25) I hate feeling stupid and vulnerable. It kinda makes me angry.<br />
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26) I hate feeling angry because I feel stupid and vulnerable.<br />
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27) Do you ever have a teeny tiny fart slip out and just run up your butt crack? They don't make noise or smell, but goodness, do they feel funny. It's like a fish is trying to swim out your butt hole.<br />
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28) Youth scare the crap out of me. Large groups of children do as well. <br />
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29) I can't believe I'm getting ready to turn 32. THIRTY-TWO!<br />
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30) I have a hard time staying on task. <br />
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31) I hate all church journey's. Actually, I hate long periods of time when as a group we're supposed to be focused on one thing. Maybe it goes back to #30. I think I understand the importance of the idea, but I just tend to feel like it's trying to manufacture something that's already there for some small groups. <br />
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32) Part of me is ashamed of gaining so much weight. The other part of me isn't disgusted by myself anymore but feels like I should be. Another part of me doesn't see a difference from the old me to the skinnier me to the whateverIamnow me. <br />
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33) My views on theology and grace and life and family have shifted in some significant ways over the last year or two. I think this is healthy and natural to an extent and I'm at peace with most all of it.<br />
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34) Even if I could have a kid, I'm not sure that I could afford one.<br />
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35) I really really love my career. I feel guilty about thinking of giving that up to have a kid. But I still kinda want one. But there are a lot of deep seeded issues that follow.... sigh.<br />
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36) I can't make myself puke. I've tried.<br />
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37) I don't wish that I was a millionaire or "rich", but I do wish that I had enough money to just buy "whatever" without budgeting. But doesn't everybody?<br />
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38) I'm actually probably a little too proud of where I live.<br />
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39) I just realized in the last week that I don't care very much about presentation. Isaac was astonished by the fact that I just discovered this about myself. <br />
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40) I am no longer the manager of The Q City Players Comedy Improv Troupe. It was a fun run, but it's just time. I'm at total peace with it.workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-72658309232623431082011-11-17T09:12:00.002-05:002011-11-17T09:19:26.465-05:00So There I Was, Hanging On For Dear Life, Like A Dingle Berry...Beginning of my freshman year of college, my roommate and I did the whole bunk bed thing. I slept on the top bunk, and Dana was on the bottom. It seemed only fair, as she was a petite 4'11. <br />
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Because of the placement of our furniture, in order to get to bed, I had to climb from my desk chair to my desk to the wooden planks to reach the top. I think it's really a toss up between me being a giant wuss, and just having tender feet, but I always had to wear my soccer sandals to bed. I found it nearly impossible to climb without their support. <br />
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Most of my friends simply jumped off of their beds when they desired to go somewhere. Not me. The fear of almost everything had been successfully ingrained in my heart, thanks to a fantastic combination of DNA and my mother : ) I'd always climb back down, grasping the bed like a scared monkey. <br />
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One afternoon, while perched on my mattress, I made up my mind - today was going to be the day that I conquered my fear - I was gonna jump off. It seemed like the perfect time, since the door was shut and I was all alone in my room. With sweaty palms, I inched closer and closer to the side of the bed. Eventually, I got to the point where I was just dangling off the side, the last of my butt cheeks hanging on for dear life. I'm 5'8, so looking back there was probably only inches of space between myself and the floor. However, to me, I felt suspended in fear, unable to pull myself back onto the bed and unwilling to let go. I was a cosmic dingle berry. <br />
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What I lacked in courage, I also lacked in muscle tone. I had to let go. There was no other way out. I stretched as far I could, toes pointed downward, eyes shut.... For about .5 seconds, the wind was rushing through my hair, I felt strong, courageous. I was every woman. Tom Petty's Free Falling was the soundtrack of my life. And then it happened, in my effort to make every cm count, I had kept my feet pointed downward the entire time, hence my athletic sandals reaching the ground first, and consequently, literally flipping me on my face like a flapjack. <br />
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And that was the last time I attempted to jump off my bunk bed. <br />
The End.workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-45211181810870931102011-10-30T21:35:00.000-04:002011-10-30T21:35:28.804-04:00thoughts and reflectionsI had an asthma attack this afternoon. I have mild asthma, so this sorta thing isn't super surprising. It used to be really bad during marching band season and when I weighed more. Anyway, went for a run/walk with Isaac today and forgot to bring my inhaler. dumb. I never really got over the weird feeling, even when I got home, used my inhaler and took a really hot shower. The rest of the afternoon was spent in bed. I got up when Isaac left for small group, but I freaked out, because I still felt weird. So I went to West Chester and cuddled with him, so if I died or passed out, at least he could be with me : ) Luckily, I didn't, but I'm still not much for words at the moment, at least not verbally. It's as if every breath counts. It's weird.<br />
As if 2010 wasn't bad enough, my adult acne came back. Sometimes I break out all over my face, but it's a 110% guarantee that I will always break out on my chin. I wonder if a chemical peel would help get rid of some of the underlying bacteria?<br />
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Sometimes when I sit down to purposely write something, I think, "Damn, that's good." I think that ego may be a reason to not sit down and purposely write : ) (btw- I am in no way referring to this blog post)<br />
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Once Upon A Time on ABC is pretty darn good.<br />
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Have you ever noticed that all Taylor Swift songs seem to lead to the conclusion that the guy is with the wrong girl? ie: should leave his love for Taylor. After a while, sweet little Swift songs don't sound so sweet : ) <br />
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I'm really into smiley faces tonight. <br />
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I applied for a newly opened coordinator position at work. Found out tonight that I didn't get it. I'm definitely bummed, but I'm at peace with it. I feel like I gave a pretty solid interview and I'm in a place where I know that I fit in. I not only enjoy what I do, but I'm pretty good at it. I didn't change anything about myself or create trainings or extra stuff to impress anybody. Sometimes I go above and beyond because I feel like it's what the clients deserve and what we should all strive for. I wouldn't be happy if I wasn't doing what I do. Worst case scenario, not getting this position allows me time to grow and learn more. How bad can that be?<br />
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I dressed up like Lady Gaga last night. Blue swimsuit, gold belt, fishnets, robe, house slippers and a giant blond wig with curlers and a little blue bow. I was supposed to be Lady Gaga when she gets old, fat and tired. I'm still a bit uncertain how a woman, dressed up like another woman, could resemble a drag queen so effortlessly. Once I took the wig off last night, I realized I perhaps missed my calling and should have been downtown, singing "It's Raining Men" by the Pointer Sisters. Maybe it was the gold and pink eyelashes. I'm not too sure.<br />
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I think I could be friends with Kelly Clarkson in real life. She seems so down to earth and likable. Sometimes there's a little too much try in her videos, but I think that's just because she's just a really freaking good singer and not an actress. Who knows.<br />
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My dog gets to play with Charlie tomorrow. He's pretty stoked. He recognizes his name and knows where he lives and can remember playing with him. Granted, he's never actually told me this, but I can so tell by his eyes and actions and the fact that he cries when we get close to their house.<br />
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Rumor has it that a popular entertainer is pregnant, but doesn't want to announce it publicly until she gets a fat deal with a magazine. There's a 90% chance that this is all it is - a rumor. But the slim chance that it's true, makes me kinda sick.You're in an essence, selling your baby. <br />
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People who think Halloween is evil are weird to me.<br />
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I've been exhausted for the last week. It's really beginning to get on my nerves. <br />
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I still really wonder if my friends are overly disappointed in me because of how fat I am. I hope I don't disgust them. <br />
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There was forgiveness for something, but I'm still really hurt and there's a bit of trust lacking. Which begs the question, did I not fully forgive or did I do something wrong? Or it that just a normal part of life? You can forgive, but you don't forget. I don't know. I'm kinda torn on the issue. <br />
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It's hard to watch someone fight death in front of you; friend's marriages in trouble; be with folks who want to take their own life. There's absolutely no right words to say to ease that pain. I'm hoping that just being there is enough. <br />
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Please be in prayer for a client's family. Death seems to be rather immanent.workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-18517167508651186212011-10-07T22:20:00.000-04:002011-10-07T22:20:52.182-04:00Why You Should Hate ChristiansI could list a million reasons why I could hate my tribe. Well, if we're being honest, probably more...<br />
We say some of the dumbest things - and at the most inappropriate times. We're whiny, rude, condescending and arrogant. We love to be right and sometimes play victim when we're wrong. We secretly like the separation of church and state, unless of course, we want to build Noah's Ark in the middle of KY and need funding. <br />
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We're very proud of our morals and codes and ethics. We say we've been 'saved by grace' and 'saved from our sins', but most of us don't actually work hard at the grace bit. Dare I say because quite a few of us don't actually believe we deserve grace. We work so hard at having all of the right answers and looking proper and doing 'all of the right things' that when we slip up, it's swept under the rug so quickly, as to not soil the good name of the denomination or the church or of course, ourselves. We secretly heart the idea that our good deeds and purity has earned us a better seat, therefore negating the entire appeal of grace and love and forgiveness. And if we've been working so hard to be so good for so long, well then what hope do the other poor shmucks have?<br />
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We're really into catchy phrases and fads and the dying and shaving of youth pastor's heads. We think we're holy with our stained glass and pews but way cooler, when we meet in a school with folding chairs, a rocking band, jeans and coffee. (We love to feel authentic and like we're the first ones to come up with an idea) We like to steal popular logos turn them into a Christianese slogan. A few of us think 'Friend Day' is considering reaching out to the community. We usually don't look into where the actual teaching of Jesus and the saints came from, because that seems scary and unfaithful somehow. I think a few actually believe Jesus was an American and wrote the KJV. We feel good about ourselves when we gloat and shout and protest, at scared young mothers. We twist and grope the image of the most glorious redeemer to suit our own purposes. We throw dung in the faces of our enemies and are convinced that the party (no matter which one) we vote for, or the music we listen to (whether Christian or not) is the correct one. Every generation is convinced that whatever particular race or gender or sexual orientation that we decide to taunt and spit at, that those deeds are blessed by God. We love being heard. (why do you think I have a blog?)<br />
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But I can't do it. I may hate with all of the passions of this world, the things that some of my tribe members believe and do in the name of Yahweh, but I can't hate them. Because when it gets down to the nitty gritty, I believe that we're all created in the image of God, and every single one of us has royally screwed up. We all want something to serve, whether it's a religion, money, sex, attention, food, or praise, we crave it. It wakes us up in the middle of the night, gasping for more. We are like little children who never want to be picked last in gym class. We yearn for acceptance, but we always want to be our own Master. It's a continuous thread throughout the Bible - we fall, we're redeemed, we yearn for an earthly master, we don't like being told what to do, we turn away, we act stupid, we come to our senses. Rinse. Repeat. Over and over again, like a beat up pair of tennis shoes in a dryer, we just get loud and kinda uncomfortable. <br />
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See, I really kinda wanna hate my tribe. I even flirt with the idea of hating certain people sometimes, but this crazy guy once taught that "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." (1 Corinthians 13:1). And the weirder thing is that the crazy guy followed an even kookier guy who said something to the effect of, "Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other." (John 13:35) It's sounds crazy. Absolutely absurd - have you met some of us?! But as much as I've tried to fight it or deny it or pick it apart, I'm convinced that Jesus was more than some great teacher or magician or hippie. That he lived and breathed amongst a community of numb nuts, because that's who we all are. That he was fully God and fully man. And we need to be shown how to love and heal and listen and embrace each other. That we shouldn't be scared or angered at those who look or believe differently than us, cause we're all cut from the same cloth. <br />
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I'm tired of being a gong.workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-4303968481315799172011-10-01T10:49:00.000-04:002011-10-01T10:49:34.155-04:00blissfulWe just got back last night from a WONDERFUL vacation. Here's some of the highlights for me.<br />
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* If you are given the chance to spend time without a planner, a blackberry, a schedule and you have limited news coverage - embrace every moment of it. <br />
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* a 50 minute deep tissue massage is worth EVERY SINGLE PENNY you paid for it, and then some.<br />
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* slot machines are really, really fun.<br />
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* Being surrounded by lots of different cultures and ethnicity's is totally awesome. It helps remind you that you're not the only person on the planet.<br />
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* If you ever have the chance to just hang out with the one you love for 6 days, jump on it.<br />
(that's what she said) No, seriously. A week with just Isaac was uh-mazingly nice.<br />
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* Even if you get a dinner table all to yourself, everyone around you will still listen to your conversation, just as you will try and secretly listen to theirs. Nobody chews their food for that long.<br />
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* I finished 2 books while I was gone - <em>Saving Jesus From the Church</em> <em>by Robin Meyers</em> and <em>Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller</em>. Making the transition from a Unitarian point of view to a Presbyterian minister's was fantastic. Both were great reads and both offer incredibly good points. I believe I embraced parts of each. Now I just need to finish Created for Community that I read (and don't remember at all) in college. I started to reread it a few months ago, but never completed.<br />
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* Reading and being by myself for a bit, reminded me of how much I enjoy writing. I have about 2 or 3 solid ideas for a book or blog series that I've been holding on to for months now.... I need to just take the plunge....<br />
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* I really, really, really loved the random naps.<br />
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* I felt like a princess. And I don't mean that to be cheesy. I just appreciated how much time I had alone with Isaac, and how hands off I got to be with everything. And that we weren't in a trailer.....<br />
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* Every person should be so lucky to have a friend like <a href="mailto:debbie@bluewaterdestinations.com">Debbie Boyd</a>. She is pure and lovely and kind and a darn good travel agent. You should take the hint and book your next travel destination from her.workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4735934217058974369.post-38323702206151341192011-09-24T22:46:00.000-04:002011-09-24T22:46:28.856-04:00confessionwhen I get in a funk, I tend to want to talk it out. Usually with friends, sometimes through a blog. I think the idea of embracing the crappiness in the moment is much more appealing than always reading about how someone's come through on the other side... There's some form of relationship and solace found in confessions, struggles... And while I believe that 100%, I almost always wuss out : )<br />
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But not tonight. This is nothing life altering or crazy or anything - so don't get your hopes up - but here's what I'm struggling with.<br />
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* I've gained 14lbs since May or June. About 8 in the last month. I loved the movie experience, but I was so anxious, that I drank and ate my way through it. I'm still a 12, but I'm a tight 12. The tightness reminds me of what a failure I am. I am embarrassed to go out. I think I am an embarrassment to others because of my weight gain. When I'm out somewhere and someone comments on how much skinnier I am, I immediately fire back with "I've gained 10lbs". <br />
* I've been trying to whiten my teeth for about a month now. It's a combination of laziness and my tongue/throat reaction that has only led me to be 1/2 way there. And I'm not sure I can tell the difference.<br />
* Someone is BLARING the Cupid Shuffle outside my house at the moment. I honestly just think that it's hilarious.<br />
* I've been ridiculously excited about something for a long time. We're going on a real grown-up vacation. But today I've really been struggling with being depressed. It all circles back to the whole philsophy that I don't believe that I deserve anything good... and that I definitely don't deserve to enjoy myself because of how overweight I am. Vicious circle.<br />
* I just applied press on toenails and fingernails. Yep.<br />
* I have been dreading October since August. 10/10 my life was filled with chaos, death, dread, hatred, anger and anxiety. I hate the person I was then. I can't forgive myself for who I was, mainly because I wonder if part of her's still in me. And partly because I don't believe people have forgiven me. Nor do I believe they should.<br />
* I ate 2 Little Debbie Pumpkin Cakes while I typed this blog.<br />
* My dog is currently laying on my clean laundry blowing out diarhea farts.<br />
* I'm in the process of re-examining my faith and the Bible. I wish I had paid more attention in Bible college.<br />
* Okay, Cash's gas is just getting disgusting now. <br />
* I think I want to learn Greek and/or Hebrew. I think.<br />
* I'm going to be off the grid for awhile. Please don't take it personal : )workinprogresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15247656498507750669noreply@blogger.com1