rebirth

Two Things:

1) I'm getting divorced. This blows.
2) I've decided to try Jesus and church again. This scares me.

Isaac was the first real, stable romantic relationship that I ever had. We still love each other, though we weren't very good at being married. But god-dammit, if we didn't try.

There are a few take-aways that I've been able to muster over the last few months. First and foremost, I am a stronger, more productive, self-assured woman because of him. I have learned eros love because of him. I am 100% a better person because he loved me. How can I be ungrateful for that?

I know and have always known that he will be such a fantastic daddy to his future kids. My faith in that is unwavering.

I mourn for the loss of my extended family.  I was (am) extremely blessed to have phenomenal in-laws who loved me like I was their own. I was blessed with four fantastic sister/brother-in-laws and three really great nieces and nephews. I will miss them. I do miss them. I can't even have phone conversations because I'll just burst into tears. How do you thank someone for loving you like their own child for 8 years? How do you say good-bye?

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My grandmother passed away in September. We weren't exceptionally close, but I never doubted her love for me. It was simple and pure and unwavering. Her last 5 years on earth were pretty crappy. Death never seems very gracious. It runs amuck, overturning and disturbing everything along it's path.  God's silence did not go unnoticed to me in the past years where my Grandma, my family and myself prayed for her return to Jesus. It certainly did not go unnoticed in the chaos surrounding my grandfather's passing. I was angry. And hurt. And I felt turned against.

In the final days before my grandmother passed, I felt a sense of peace for her. I felt Jesus. Like she was safe. And I felt loved in the most simple and pure way. She loved her Lord the way she loved me - unwavering. And in the end, it was the simplicity of her faith that led me to believe she is ok now.  And please believe me when I say that I realize how stupid and weak that sounds to some of you. It sounds simple minded to me as well, I not even going to deny that.

Between the divorce and the death of my Grandma, something in me has changed. Through the shards of brokenness and hurt and pain, there is some form of light that is shining through. It is not bright, but it is there. It is hope.

So now I sit here... weeping uncontrollably for dreams that have passed, but holding out hope for the newness that's bubbling through. I am not the same woman I was 20 years ago. 6 years ago. 4 months ago. I have changed - I am broken and hurt and dirty and untrusting (in others as well as myself and in God) and righteously angry about things. I am a vulgar, liberal, unmarried, childless woman who questions everything, including people who don't seem to question their faith. I'm deeply embarrassed and annoyed at what most American Christians seem to think is persecution. I'm humiliated at the way Christians treat other humans in the name of their loving God. But I'm betting on Jesus. I'm betting that even if no one else loves me or I ever find my place or if I never stop questioning my faith in humanity, that what he taught is true. What he spoke and what he showed by example is true love. I'm betting all on Jesus.

So if anybody knows of a place where hurt people go to heal. Where they are not looked upon for what they can give to further a fund. Where ALL are accepted and loved. Where the weary tread. Where the broken go for shelter and are loved for who they are and not who they have been, then give me a ring. Cause I need a respite in Jesus.

How Very 2003 Of Me...

I've waited a bit too long to  begin writing this... My eyes are becoming increasingly heavy... This will either prove to work towards your benefit, as it will be a shorter blog than usual or will do the opposite - just be too drawn out and miscomjobulated. You know, one of these things.

It's been a while since I've written anything. If you know me for any period of time, you'll begin to notice that this is usually a tell tale sign that something funky's going on in my life on some level, and I just don't feel comfortable sharing it.

The short and sweet of it is that over the past 4 months, I've been emotionally hurt, lost money, lost even more pride, experienced fantastic highs and pretty bad lows. (that last part just made me sound bi-polar - I'm not)

The following may be more for me, but I'm going to attempt to share via bullet points what I've gone through/learned/continuously learning.

* Due to a series of unfortunate incidents, my depression worsened. This makes me feel broken, miserable, discarded, worthless

* I also lost/spent a LOT of money in a very short amount of time. This makes me feel foolish (1 time I had to go to the doctor and the other time I thought I was doing something right), naive, stupid, juvenile, a terrible spouse

* Finally began recognizing that I do binge eat. I don't think I've actually been hungry since 2010. I've gained 24lbs since September. 5bs just in the last month. On some level I'm able to recognize that this is unhealthy. On a more emotional level, I'm so overwhelmed with everything else, that I just don't care. Realizing all of this makes me feel shameful, unworthy of friendship and love, a major, ginormous embarrassment to my friends/family.

* There's some really great things about being married. Being sad a lot and feeling like you (unintentionally) put an extreme amount of pressure on your spouse to make you "okay" is terrible. Whether real or not, I feel awful after sharing things with Isaac. I partially feel relieved to get it off of my chest, but the other part of me feels like a giant Eeyore that moozied on into the room. I've tried to express it before, but it's not my spouse's job to make me 'happy'.  It's just not.

* Periodically I get my panties into a wad about Christians who seem to present their version of the gospel as a spiritual 'wham, bam, thank you m'am'. I don't believe that's what Jesus taught. I typically refer back to the section in Luke 5 when Jesus tells his posse and some church folk that, as the New Living Translation puts it - “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do."
Somehow we've tricked ourselves and others into believing that 'Jesus Saves' means that we'll never have to deal with our drug or sex addictions. Our judgemental attitudes or loose tongues. Marriage problems will evade us and as long as we don't get a divorce, we've proven we really listened to God. I have done a fabulous job at convincing myself on many occasions that because I really searched out my faith, or that I did all of the right "steps" that I'll never have to deal with my own "afflictions". Because I love Jesus, I shouldn't ever have to really deal with recurrences of depression, doubt, self-loathing, anxiety, stress, obsessive tendencies or over eating. A) This is total BULL SHIT  B) No sane person ever expects to go to the pediatrician as a baby and never have to see a doctor again for the rest of their lives. C) Nor should any sane person rack their faith up to check marks.

As much as I talk about my friends and the need for community, I'm still pretty into me. I would like to believe that I should have mastered (insert something here) by now. I don't really need continual saving....

I'm sure there were other witty, intelligent thoughts that were dying to get out, but I've successfully stayed asleep on the couch with the computer in my lap for at least the last 45-60 minutes.... so I'm calling it a night.

Feel free to discuss/share (anonymous is always a swell safe way to share in my book) your thoughts, successes or struggles here. I can't promise that I'll always respond in the most loving way, but I promise that I'll fall asleep on the couch multiple times with the aim to...