rebirth

Two Things:

1) I'm getting divorced. This blows.
2) I've decided to try Jesus and church again. This scares me.

Isaac was the first real, stable romantic relationship that I ever had. We still love each other, though we weren't very good at being married. But god-dammit, if we didn't try.

There are a few take-aways that I've been able to muster over the last few months. First and foremost, I am a stronger, more productive, self-assured woman because of him. I have learned eros love because of him. I am 100% a better person because he loved me. How can I be ungrateful for that?

I know and have always known that he will be such a fantastic daddy to his future kids. My faith in that is unwavering.

I mourn for the loss of my extended family.  I was (am) extremely blessed to have phenomenal in-laws who loved me like I was their own. I was blessed with four fantastic sister/brother-in-laws and three really great nieces and nephews. I will miss them. I do miss them. I can't even have phone conversations because I'll just burst into tears. How do you thank someone for loving you like their own child for 8 years? How do you say good-bye?

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My grandmother passed away in September. We weren't exceptionally close, but I never doubted her love for me. It was simple and pure and unwavering. Her last 5 years on earth were pretty crappy. Death never seems very gracious. It runs amuck, overturning and disturbing everything along it's path.  God's silence did not go unnoticed to me in the past years where my Grandma, my family and myself prayed for her return to Jesus. It certainly did not go unnoticed in the chaos surrounding my grandfather's passing. I was angry. And hurt. And I felt turned against.

In the final days before my grandmother passed, I felt a sense of peace for her. I felt Jesus. Like she was safe. And I felt loved in the most simple and pure way. She loved her Lord the way she loved me - unwavering. And in the end, it was the simplicity of her faith that led me to believe she is ok now.  And please believe me when I say that I realize how stupid and weak that sounds to some of you. It sounds simple minded to me as well, I not even going to deny that.

Between the divorce and the death of my Grandma, something in me has changed. Through the shards of brokenness and hurt and pain, there is some form of light that is shining through. It is not bright, but it is there. It is hope.

So now I sit here... weeping uncontrollably for dreams that have passed, but holding out hope for the newness that's bubbling through. I am not the same woman I was 20 years ago. 6 years ago. 4 months ago. I have changed - I am broken and hurt and dirty and untrusting (in others as well as myself and in God) and righteously angry about things. I am a vulgar, liberal, unmarried, childless woman who questions everything, including people who don't seem to question their faith. I'm deeply embarrassed and annoyed at what most American Christians seem to think is persecution. I'm humiliated at the way Christians treat other humans in the name of their loving God. But I'm betting on Jesus. I'm betting that even if no one else loves me or I ever find my place or if I never stop questioning my faith in humanity, that what he taught is true. What he spoke and what he showed by example is true love. I'm betting all on Jesus.

So if anybody knows of a place where hurt people go to heal. Where they are not looked upon for what they can give to further a fund. Where ALL are accepted and loved. Where the weary tread. Where the broken go for shelter and are loved for who they are and not who they have been, then give me a ring. Cause I need a respite in Jesus.

Dear Self

Dear Self, 

As I look back at all the pictures that are hanging on the walls at mom and dads, there's so many things that I wish I could tell you. You're not a fat cow even though you're certain that you are. You will eventually eat your way into obesity, but in those captured moments, you're not. 

It will take you a long time, but eventually you'll begin to embrace your quirkiness and randomness and just your own strange since of humor. Not everyone will be able to get it, but that's okay. 

This is really hard to believe, but eventually you will learn to love yourself. It'll start very slowly and extremely painfully, but moment by moment you'll learn to like yourself and embrace yourself and eventually just be okay with who you are. Not all of the decisions that you make will be wise ones, but hey, nobody's perfect. 

McDonald's will still be your favorite restaurant. Jeff Frankenstein of The Newsboys will get married but it won't be to you. You will find this to be appalling. 

You'll never do illegal drugs and wont smoke. You'll be pretty proud of this, though you do drink. Almost everything that you think up until your 30's that is extremely morally important, goes by the wayside. The things that last are loving others, taking care of others, taking care of yourself. 

A few short months after you graduate high school you'll develop an OCD habit where you think that you're never wearing pants. This will continue for at least the next 15 years. Everyday you will check to make sure you wearing pants. If you're really nervous or anxious you check A LOT. Rest assure, you have never actually left the house without pants on.

Grandma and Grandpa Johnson will eventually pass on. Grandpa's death will hit you the hardest. You'll find yourself doing things just to try and make him proud... You're not sure if he can see or hear you, but you kinda hope he can.

There will come in time when you just hate yourself. You'll wish that you didn't exist. Things that you thought were normal growing up, actually weren't. Things that you always believed to be true, including your theology, you will struggle with for very long time. 

You're not stupid and even though you don't have a dramatic story to tell, you learn to embrace the imperfections of life and just tell the story that you have.You'll  recognize that there's other people out there who see parts of themselves in you, just like you see parts of yourself in others. Imperfection's a good thing - it'll make you bitter and jagged, a little jaded - but that's okay, so is life. Suck it up.

If I could go back in time & tell you just one thing it would be this, love yourself. And when that seems too hard, love others. Love never fails.

grateful

Isaac makes movies. I make friends with folks who have "disabilities". I prefer it this way.

I signed up for a week to be a production assistant on the film. I think I ended up on set everyday : )  Partly because it was the only way I could see my husband : ) but mainly because I fell in love with the people around me. It was hard, stressful and incredibly enjoyable work. I'm deeply saddened that some of my favorite people are leaving town. It's very humbling to be surrounded by such an array of talented individuals. Folks who are beautiful on the inside and out. I doubt most of them can see their own self worth, but I feel like I can.

I can honestly say that it was an honor to serve under the leadership of my friend and director, Brad Wise and Joe Boyd, who I have without permission, lovingly adopted as my big brother. And of course, Isaac. It's taken us six movies, but we've finally begun to figure out how to work together :  ) I am so, so, so grateful for his love and support and guidance over the last month and a half. For allowing me to serve with him to an extent. To be a part of his dream. That is an amazing gift to be given.

I have a few pictures of the set, but most are stored in my heart. I planned on taking a ton at the wrap party and celebrating and saying last good-byes, etc, but I came down with a rather large anxiety attack instead. BOO. So I ended up stealing the director's baby and sitting outside of the Harbor Point Dewey's holding the most precious 14lbs of infant ever created. I told him how much his mommy and daddy loved him and how they had waited so long to have him. How they probably cried when they found out Leah was pregnant. And how they love him more than anything else in this world. Henry just cooed and looked at me with deep satisfaction, as if to say he already knew.

I also spent a chunk of time with a very close friend, discussing life and love and what to do about all of it. I have been very blessed in the friendship department, even when I have not done anything to deserve them or have pushed them away. I am very, very, very blessed. I have forgiving and loving friends.

And then I just spent the rest of the quiet evening at home with Isaac. And I loved every last second of it.