Okay, well, actually, it's probably the other, other "L" word.
Leadership.
Ugh. The word gets me all creepy crawly and makes me wanna puke up my snack size Rolo McFlurry.
Until recently, I think I would have defined myself as a leader. (not even in all circumstances, but I would have definitely believed it was there). I probably do have some natural leadership giftings, however, I think most of that probably comes from being the oldest child and my super strong desire to "fix everything" (if only stemming from my anxiety disorder). But there's a real difference between being able to lead with maturity and simply calling yourself a leader.
It's often said that in order to be a good leader, you must first be a great follower. I finally realized that I neither. That's a shithole of a place to find oneself.
I'm kinda to a place now where I'm redefining everything that's important to me. Redefining my faith, my relationships, myself. That would have scared me to death a few years back, but I'm almost relaxed being on this journey. There is something definitely freeing about seeing yourself in a different light, figuring out who you really are... I don't think I care (or at least hope) so much about the whole "where do I fit in?" anymore (side note: is that not all we learn to obsess about from kindergarten thru college?) as I do the, "who am I? and why do I believe what I believe". I am somewhat comfortable saying I am Jenny, not I am Jenny because of X,Y and Z.
Of course on the flip side of all of that, because I no longer define myself by certain traits or characteristics, I've also gotten into the habit of saying that I am definitely NOT certain things. I get all weird and clammy when people even talk about leadership around me (they're not even talking about me - that's how self-focused I am. boo). I know that when I go to church tonight, they'll probably run a promo for the Global Leadership Summit and talk about how it's great for everyone, everyone should come, etc..., to which it typically makes me want to reply with a f*** you! (I am fully bearing my complete and utter lack of concern for others and my extreme self-centeredness here) Honestly, I think a lot of it is simply because I can look back with such ease and recall hundreds of times when I was a terrible leader. And I hate being reminded of those times... Of that person... In my journey of self-discovery, I also kinda just dropped out of lots of things. I wonder if I quit volunteering in part, so I didn't have to be reminded of how terribly I led some of them.
Every once in a while, I'll muse with the idea that if I got better, more complete, figured out who and what I believed and was following, that I could sorta lead on a small scale and succeed. Admitting that just now, makes me feel all dirty, and not in the good way... But dang it, it's my blog. And I doubt most of you will read this. And few will understand. And I'm okay with that.
Maybe certain things make me incredibly uncomfortable partly because they're ugly truths, and partly because I'm a giant scardycat. Who knows. It's all been jumbling around in my brain for a long time now....
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Why Doesn't Anyone Else Look Like Me? (so boobs are weird)
I'm torn.
I look around at ads for Victoria Secret and Lane Bryant and Dove and I don't see anybody who looks like me. Where is their 12 inch scar from a surgery when they were 3? The scar that divides their already large midsection into 2 extra fat rolls and squishes their bellybutton down so tight, it looks like it's constantly winking at you. Where are their varicose veins that make it hard to tell where a bruise begins and a vein ends? Why don't they have monkey paws for feet? (Seriously, nobodies size 11 feet should have as many knuckles as I do. And it wouldn't be so bad, except that even my toes look ashamed of how they turned out) Why don't they scar easily? Where are their red birthmarks on their neck, their mishaped eyes lids and crooked smile? Why don't they have a widow's peak and a duck tail?
When these models lay down at night, do their boobs sorta just sag off to each side, as if to say that even they are tired from the day? Do they worry that if somebody walked by while they were waving, their arm fat just might reach out and smack 'em?
I'm torn because I know that not everybody is gonna look like a Victoria Secret model. Not everybody is born with incredible features and spends close to an hour in makeup, so they can achieve the perfect "smoldering eye" look. Not everybody has bright lights and spray tans and fans around when they put on their underwear in the morning. But not everybody is going to look like a plus size model either, which begins at a size 10, btw. It seems fairly easy put down the "skinny model" or the "fat model", depending on which way you view yourself. It's easy to make jokes about how the Victoria Secret model must not eat in order to look that way. It's just as easy to praise the Dove models for looking like "real women". But where do we blur the lines between health and beauty? Is it really okay to promote in a sense, being overweight because that's what real women look like and we should just love ourselves the way we are? Or is it better to push being a size 2 or 4 as what women should look like, or promote the way a woman should look like if you only wear a certain bra?
I can tell you the exact moment in 7th grade when I decided that I was fat. Looking back, I probably wasn't, but because I believed that I was huge, I ate my way to it. (and even this I am torn about - at my largest I was an 18/20 and there are lots of women who might wear larger clothing that I would never ever consider to be "huge". It's simply the way that I thought of myself) It's not like I had a ton of muscle or something. It was mainly just good 'ol fashioned fat : )
I went to a job training in Texas a few years back and during a discussion about marriage and weight gain, one of my peers said that if he ever got married and his wife was a size 12 or more, he would divorce her. Now granted, the guy was a total douche bag, and I knew this even then, however, that was five years ago and when I think about being 'excited' about my 55 lb weight loss and feeling good about myself, I remember that douche bag and realize that I would still be kicked to the curb. I was in a relationship once where the guy I was with liked to respond to my question of "Would you still love me if I gained more weight?" with "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to". Even my gynecologist has a special way of telling me that I'm too fat to have kids. (Disclaimer, this is a soapbox moment: I don't open that portal for just anybody, jackass. The least you can do is say, "Shew, that's the best one I've seen all day" or "Woo wee, clean as a whistle!" before you question my workout and eating habits.) Right before I got married, I ordered a couple of Victoria Secret lingerie items that looked amazing on the online models. I was sooooo excited to try them on when they arrived in the mail, until, of course, I saw myself. My boobs and fat rolls were smashed between an array of elastic lace doilies. I looked like a dolphin caught in a tuna net. It was really, really baaaaaaaaaad.
There's nothing glamorous about being unhealthy and increasing your chances of heart disease, diabetes and a slew of other things. And there's nothing respectful in weighing yourself 10x a day and vomiting so you can look like the other girls. When is it okay to just be "okay" with what you weigh? I'm 5'7 and a 1/2 and a size 12 now, which on my good days seems like a victory compared to where I was. I'm healthier now than I probably ever have been, but in my mind, I still look the same. So sometimes I still eat like I'm a 16. I'm still the fattest one in my small group. I still care about this for some reason. When I was an 18/20, I'd dream of the day when I could be a 10. Now that I'm somewhat close to that, it's changed to an 8. But I know myself well enough to know that even if I was a 8, I'd never be satisfied. I wouldn't be able to change my face or my hands, I'd still be an "apple" body shape, which WebMD says is the worst.A friend recently asked me what would I have to weigh in order to be satisfied, and my answer was everything. I would literally have to lose every ounce of my body weight in order to be satisfied. Of course, the irony is that I'd be dead, because even my bones weigh something.
I'm trying to be healthier on the inside and the outside, but it is a battle most days. I feel like I'm stuck in a carnival mirror room, and I'm not sure which reflection to trust.
I look around at ads for Victoria Secret and Lane Bryant and Dove and I don't see anybody who looks like me. Where is their 12 inch scar from a surgery when they were 3? The scar that divides their already large midsection into 2 extra fat rolls and squishes their bellybutton down so tight, it looks like it's constantly winking at you. Where are their varicose veins that make it hard to tell where a bruise begins and a vein ends? Why don't they have monkey paws for feet? (Seriously, nobodies size 11 feet should have as many knuckles as I do. And it wouldn't be so bad, except that even my toes look ashamed of how they turned out) Why don't they scar easily? Where are their red birthmarks on their neck, their mishaped eyes lids and crooked smile? Why don't they have a widow's peak and a duck tail?
When these models lay down at night, do their boobs sorta just sag off to each side, as if to say that even they are tired from the day? Do they worry that if somebody walked by while they were waving, their arm fat just might reach out and smack 'em?
I'm torn because I know that not everybody is gonna look like a Victoria Secret model. Not everybody is born with incredible features and spends close to an hour in makeup, so they can achieve the perfect "smoldering eye" look. Not everybody has bright lights and spray tans and fans around when they put on their underwear in the morning. But not everybody is going to look like a plus size model either, which begins at a size 10, btw. It seems fairly easy put down the "skinny model" or the "fat model", depending on which way you view yourself. It's easy to make jokes about how the Victoria Secret model must not eat in order to look that way. It's just as easy to praise the Dove models for looking like "real women". But where do we blur the lines between health and beauty? Is it really okay to promote in a sense, being overweight because that's what real women look like and we should just love ourselves the way we are? Or is it better to push being a size 2 or 4 as what women should look like, or promote the way a woman should look like if you only wear a certain bra?
I can tell you the exact moment in 7th grade when I decided that I was fat. Looking back, I probably wasn't, but because I believed that I was huge, I ate my way to it. (and even this I am torn about - at my largest I was an 18/20 and there are lots of women who might wear larger clothing that I would never ever consider to be "huge". It's simply the way that I thought of myself) It's not like I had a ton of muscle or something. It was mainly just good 'ol fashioned fat : )
I went to a job training in Texas a few years back and during a discussion about marriage and weight gain, one of my peers said that if he ever got married and his wife was a size 12 or more, he would divorce her. Now granted, the guy was a total douche bag, and I knew this even then, however, that was five years ago and when I think about being 'excited' about my 55 lb weight loss and feeling good about myself, I remember that douche bag and realize that I would still be kicked to the curb. I was in a relationship once where the guy I was with liked to respond to my question of "Would you still love me if I gained more weight?" with "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to". Even my gynecologist has a special way of telling me that I'm too fat to have kids. (Disclaimer, this is a soapbox moment: I don't open that portal for just anybody, jackass. The least you can do is say, "Shew, that's the best one I've seen all day" or "Woo wee, clean as a whistle!" before you question my workout and eating habits.) Right before I got married, I ordered a couple of Victoria Secret lingerie items that looked amazing on the online models. I was sooooo excited to try them on when they arrived in the mail, until, of course, I saw myself. My boobs and fat rolls were smashed between an array of elastic lace doilies. I looked like a dolphin caught in a tuna net. It was really, really baaaaaaaaaad.
There's nothing glamorous about being unhealthy and increasing your chances of heart disease, diabetes and a slew of other things. And there's nothing respectful in weighing yourself 10x a day and vomiting so you can look like the other girls. When is it okay to just be "okay" with what you weigh? I'm 5'7 and a 1/2 and a size 12 now, which on my good days seems like a victory compared to where I was. I'm healthier now than I probably ever have been, but in my mind, I still look the same. So sometimes I still eat like I'm a 16. I'm still the fattest one in my small group. I still care about this for some reason. When I was an 18/20, I'd dream of the day when I could be a 10. Now that I'm somewhat close to that, it's changed to an 8. But I know myself well enough to know that even if I was a 8, I'd never be satisfied. I wouldn't be able to change my face or my hands, I'd still be an "apple" body shape, which WebMD says is the worst.A friend recently asked me what would I have to weigh in order to be satisfied, and my answer was everything. I would literally have to lose every ounce of my body weight in order to be satisfied. Of course, the irony is that I'd be dead, because even my bones weigh something.
I'm trying to be healthier on the inside and the outside, but it is a battle most days. I feel like I'm stuck in a carnival mirror room, and I'm not sure which reflection to trust.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Facebook Ads Crack Me Up
Just don't watch The Exorcist before going to your class.
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Honestly. This was the best example you could come up with???
How Celebrities Quit mindpowernews.com.
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This honestly disturbs me. If you're so cheap that you have to crack open an eggshell because you don't want to buy a baby carrier, well then, I just don't know.
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Who doesn't love flute playing mice? At least, I think that's a flute...
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Eye for Photography?
Yes, THIS is how you spot an addict. They don't ever smile, they look like a zombie, and worst of all, they have dreads in their hair and ridiculous bangs. If only we could reach every person with bad hair for Jesus.
Help Addicts Find God christianonlineeducation.com
Become a Christian Substance Abuse Counselor; help people overcome addictions and heal. Request info here.
What type of nurse are we talking about here? Once again, Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low.
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A) I don't think this is a real baby.
B) You shouldn't have to go to school to learn that.
Be a SocialWorker in 1YR†
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I have no words.
Be a Social Worker 1YR
Earn your degree to be a Social Worker. Grant funding may be available. Search schools now!.
Be a Social Worker in 1YR.
Learn about the Become a Social Worker™ program, where you may receive education grants to cover your preparation. Request info here.
Honestly. This was the best example you could come up with???
How Celebrities Quit mindpowernews.com.
We show you the hot new way celebrities are quitting smoking these days. You won't believe how easy and enjoyable it is!
We all know the only smoking you'll be doing is in Hell.
This honestly disturbs me. If you're so cheap that you have to crack open an eggshell because you don't want to buy a baby carrier, well then, I just don't know.
31yo Moms: Free Baby Bag! pennypinchrr.com
31 year old Moms: Get a 100% Free bag, formula and free baby bottle cooler. Email required. Limit one offer per household. Act now!
Who doesn't love flute playing mice? At least, I think that's a flute...
Discover Funny Sites www.stumbleupon.com
Discover the funniest sites on the web with StumbleUpon.
A) I have never seen this building in Cincinnati.
B) Even if I had, I would never PAY to step foot in it, even if it was 1/2 off the normal admission fee.
100 Things in Cincinnati
In general, 'bypass surgery' seems like such an oxymoronic statement to me. And for some reason, this picture just makes me think that it's dancing to Flo Rida. Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low.
GastricBypass Effect $480 mini-gastric-bypass-me
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Hmmmm.
Eye for Photography?
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Yes, THIS is how you spot an addict. They don't ever smile, they look like a zombie, and worst of all, they have dreads in their hair and ridiculous bangs. If only we could reach every person with bad hair for Jesus.
Help Addicts Find God christianonlineeducation.com
Become a Christian Substance Abuse Counselor; help people overcome addictions and heal. Request info here.
What type of nurse are we talking about here? Once again, Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low.
Become a Nurse in 2011 colleges.classes2careers.com
Prepare for your future now with a new education. 100+ schools to choose from. Request info today!
A) I don't think this is a real baby.
B) You shouldn't have to go to school to learn that.
Be a SocialWorker in 1YR†
Learn about the Become a Social Worker™ program, where you may finish your degree in as little as 1YR. Request info here..
I have no words.
Be a Social Worker 1YR
Earn your degree to be a Social Worker. Grant funding may be available. Search schools now!.
Monday, April 25, 2011
wonderments and amusements part 2
I tend to not brush my teeth before I run in the morning. I figure if someone is going to try and attack me, they'll have to get through my breath first.
Depression hurts. Cymbalta doesn't do jack shit.
I don't actually know this from personal experience, but I'm still willing to make it into a t-shirt.
I accidently burned my forearm trying to change the settings on my lawnmower. Then very early this morning, I accidently ripped the blister/all skin off of it. ARGH!!!! I would not suggest doing this.
I have found through personal experience, that if I have to fart, the motion of sitting down on the toliet sucks it all back up. This is frustrating. What is even more frustrating, is that as soon as I stand back up and button my pants, the urge is back and intense. Thus, I am forced to fart in my pants and then fan them out. Wwwwhhhhhhaaaa? Fan them out, you say? Um, yeah. Who knows what could happen after I walk out the bathroom door? An old lady may drop dead in front of me and I would be forced to go to drastic life saving measures, only in my effort to kneel and start pumping her heart back into motion my waistband may crease and poof, there goes my stored fart. With my butt up in the air and a thick fog lumming, I can't quite blame it on the dead lady when the paramedics arrive, now can I?
You know how in the Bible when Jesus would raise folks from the dead and he's always tell someone to get them food immediately afterwards? I kinda wonder if it was because they really were hungry or if it was just because it seemed like a tangible thing to do instead of everybody just staring at the person or asking them a million questions.
I wonder if Jesus had a fat brain. I wonder if he liked ketchup. If he preferred dark chocolate over milk choclate. If he even liked fish, or whether he just ate it because that's all he had. If every morning, manna fell from the sky for him for breakfast. I wonder if we're even concerned about food in heaven. If there is food, I'm assuming since it's heaven, there will be no food allergies, which means that I can chow down again on shellfish. And we can all drink and not get tipsy. And if we run out, we'll just find some water and change it. And all of my Baptist friends will pass out from the shock and my Catholic friends will say, "I told you so."
If He is supposed to forget our sins as far as the East is from the West, then why do people talk about being judged after we die? Because then where does the whole, "welcome, good and faithful servant" come into play? After someone we don't care for does something ignorant, do we say, "well, they'll be judged for that later" and if someone we like does something we think is grand, do we say things like, "Jesus won't forget this. You're written in his book. Some people have even served angels and not known it." Is it really that Jesus won't forget all of the bad and good things that humans have done, or is it more about the fact that we won't?
I'm much more at peace and happy than I used to be. It's not that my problems are solved, but I feel like I'm making progress to some tiny degree. And I really do believe that there is freedom in sharing your pain to a degree.
In the past 3 or 4 years, I've really begun to realize and identify safe people in my life. And I'm to the point now, where I'm okay saying that some people just aren't safe. It's not that they've evil (although at times, it may feel that way), but they're not a person who will help you along in life. Someone who constantly brings you down and/or hurts you, whether physical or emotional or financial, isn't someone to be trusted. Yes, there is forgiveness, and yes, we are supposed to love our enemies, but I don't think loving them neccesarily equals having constant contact with them. They may need time to grow, just as you may need time to heal.
Some things just belong together:
Armpits and deodrant
Joe and Deb
Bourbon and Dt Coke
Okay, I have to go pee and then give my dog a bath. Tell me you're jealous.
ta ta
Depression hurts. Cymbalta doesn't do jack shit.
I don't actually know this from personal experience, but I'm still willing to make it into a t-shirt.
I accidently burned my forearm trying to change the settings on my lawnmower. Then very early this morning, I accidently ripped the blister/all skin off of it. ARGH!!!! I would not suggest doing this.
I have found through personal experience, that if I have to fart, the motion of sitting down on the toliet sucks it all back up. This is frustrating. What is even more frustrating, is that as soon as I stand back up and button my pants, the urge is back and intense. Thus, I am forced to fart in my pants and then fan them out. Wwwwhhhhhhaaaa? Fan them out, you say? Um, yeah. Who knows what could happen after I walk out the bathroom door? An old lady may drop dead in front of me and I would be forced to go to drastic life saving measures, only in my effort to kneel and start pumping her heart back into motion my waistband may crease and poof, there goes my stored fart. With my butt up in the air and a thick fog lumming, I can't quite blame it on the dead lady when the paramedics arrive, now can I?
You know how in the Bible when Jesus would raise folks from the dead and he's always tell someone to get them food immediately afterwards? I kinda wonder if it was because they really were hungry or if it was just because it seemed like a tangible thing to do instead of everybody just staring at the person or asking them a million questions.
I wonder if Jesus had a fat brain. I wonder if he liked ketchup. If he preferred dark chocolate over milk choclate. If he even liked fish, or whether he just ate it because that's all he had. If every morning, manna fell from the sky for him for breakfast. I wonder if we're even concerned about food in heaven. If there is food, I'm assuming since it's heaven, there will be no food allergies, which means that I can chow down again on shellfish. And we can all drink and not get tipsy. And if we run out, we'll just find some water and change it. And all of my Baptist friends will pass out from the shock and my Catholic friends will say, "I told you so."
If He is supposed to forget our sins as far as the East is from the West, then why do people talk about being judged after we die? Because then where does the whole, "welcome, good and faithful servant" come into play? After someone we don't care for does something ignorant, do we say, "well, they'll be judged for that later" and if someone we like does something we think is grand, do we say things like, "Jesus won't forget this. You're written in his book. Some people have even served angels and not known it." Is it really that Jesus won't forget all of the bad and good things that humans have done, or is it more about the fact that we won't?
I'm much more at peace and happy than I used to be. It's not that my problems are solved, but I feel like I'm making progress to some tiny degree. And I really do believe that there is freedom in sharing your pain to a degree.
In the past 3 or 4 years, I've really begun to realize and identify safe people in my life. And I'm to the point now, where I'm okay saying that some people just aren't safe. It's not that they've evil (although at times, it may feel that way), but they're not a person who will help you along in life. Someone who constantly brings you down and/or hurts you, whether physical or emotional or financial, isn't someone to be trusted. Yes, there is forgiveness, and yes, we are supposed to love our enemies, but I don't think loving them neccesarily equals having constant contact with them. They may need time to grow, just as you may need time to heal.
Some things just belong together:
Armpits and deodrant
Joe and Deb
Bourbon and Dt Coke
Okay, I have to go pee and then give my dog a bath. Tell me you're jealous.
ta ta
Monday, April 11, 2011
a gentle offering at your feet
Dear Jesus, please take these as a peace offering. I once tried to chuck them at You out of anger and frustration. I think I'm almost to the point where I'm just more interested in seeing what You want to do, as opposed to seeing how I'm involved.
There are two things that I have wanted/felt like I could do with what I have been given.
1) Was to write a daily devotional for young adults. It's more of fun thing I have wanted to do since college. It's not like it was a "word from the Lord" or something. Nothing super serious about it... I just always kinda had this silly idea that I could take all of the funny, random, ridiculous stories in my life, and apply a short life lesson to them. However, this hasn't come to fruition for about 3 reasons:
A) My story telling skills have a bit to be desired and I'm not nearly as concise as I need to be.
B) Everytime I've tried to start it, I quit because I either hate it or think everyone else would : )
C) There's really nothing funny about being depressed and angry. Or at least, I haven't found the life lesson in it yet.
2) After taking an evangelism class at church, I felt like God sorta outlined what He wanted me to do with my life. Kinda my lifeplan or vision or something. I was very torn about this. I was immediately elated and wanted to share it with everybody, but most of me was terrified of what others would think. I shared it with a couple of folks and it kinda got poo pooed on, so that was hurtful. (I'm also one of those dorky folks who are dumb enough to think that if you think God gives you an idea, you're supposed to act on it immediately. Like, wake up one morning and it just will all happen. Not a whole lot of planning. And when that doesn't happen, then I get really confused and kinda upset. Also, I tend to follow the same pattern when I quit something. Wham, bam, finito. Again, not a whole lot of planning goes into the process and I tend to just be "finished". I think partially because I think I'm supposed to be done and also because there is some level of hurt and/or sadness involved and I'd really rather not stay in the pain for longer than I have to.) It's been taped to my bedroom door for a year and a half now. I started to rip it off in anger a few months ago, but found myself unable to. Like I wasn't finished with it yet. It's weird, because I kinda moved past the idea of this vision/plan becoming a reality about a year ago. What church in their right mind would want to hire somebody like me, anyway? 99% of the time, I believe that He is real, but sometimes I just wonder if I'm talking to the stars. I run away from Him easily (although I almost feel as if I've quit running, made a u-turn and am heading back somewhere healthier... I would hardly call it a sprint, though.), my thoughts on theology are changing, I'm INCREDIBLY self-obsessed, I barely go to church anymore, I have issues with authority figures sometimes, I'm depressed, anxious and I don't believe He cares. Hardly the equation for an amazing church staff. Or attendee for that matter....
Anyway, so I'm giving these back. It feels slightly freeing, and peaceful and just like the "right" thing to do on some level. Hard to explain, but I felt that I needed to share this with or for somebody... Perhaps you will find it healing too.
The Vision. The Goal.
To love others the way that Jesus loved those around Him – Extravagantly.
With intent focus on those with special needs whether they be men or women, children, teens or adults. To search out and find those around me who are called to the same heart. To implore them on how to become leaders and be adequately trained on how best to love the ones they serve.
To make a seamless transition from unaware to seeker to Jesus follower to servant in a way that still respects their needs of communication and learning. To develop a system of specifically targeting ways for individuals with special needs to become interactive in the church body; with a special emphasis on the creative arts. (i.e.: Not just a face in the crowd. The goal is not to just have these individuals with special needs to come to church – but to understand and become “the church”)
To help the immediate church body and those particular individuals with special needs understand their worth as God sees them and their gifts.
To develop relationships with those in our surrounding communities so that we as a church might understand the needs of children, teens and adults with special needs better. In turn, so that we may serve them better.
As a small part of fulfilling this mission: Have round table discussions 1x every 3 months with the above communities. Have round table discussions 1x every 6 months with surrounding churches to share ideas, concerns, etc about how we as the “Big C” church is doing in respect to involving others with special needs.
To travel to communities, churches and schools outside of the immediate Tri-State area so that I might get a fuller picture of how to best communicate and grow those I am working with.
To set a goal of the majority of this vision to be coming into fruition in 2 to 3 years.
To remember that this is not my vision – it is God’s. These are His children and this vision is simply part of a bigger plan. That this vision is no more important or less important that anyone else’s. It exists to help edify the Body.
And to remember that this will be hard. But it will be worth it because it is God’s plan, not my own. I just have to obey.
August 26th, 2009
There are two things that I have wanted/felt like I could do with what I have been given.
1) Was to write a daily devotional for young adults. It's more of fun thing I have wanted to do since college. It's not like it was a "word from the Lord" or something. Nothing super serious about it... I just always kinda had this silly idea that I could take all of the funny, random, ridiculous stories in my life, and apply a short life lesson to them. However, this hasn't come to fruition for about 3 reasons:
A) My story telling skills have a bit to be desired and I'm not nearly as concise as I need to be.
B) Everytime I've tried to start it, I quit because I either hate it or think everyone else would : )
C) There's really nothing funny about being depressed and angry. Or at least, I haven't found the life lesson in it yet.
2) After taking an evangelism class at church, I felt like God sorta outlined what He wanted me to do with my life. Kinda my lifeplan or vision or something. I was very torn about this. I was immediately elated and wanted to share it with everybody, but most of me was terrified of what others would think. I shared it with a couple of folks and it kinda got poo pooed on, so that was hurtful. (I'm also one of those dorky folks who are dumb enough to think that if you think God gives you an idea, you're supposed to act on it immediately. Like, wake up one morning and it just will all happen. Not a whole lot of planning. And when that doesn't happen, then I get really confused and kinda upset. Also, I tend to follow the same pattern when I quit something. Wham, bam, finito. Again, not a whole lot of planning goes into the process and I tend to just be "finished". I think partially because I think I'm supposed to be done and also because there is some level of hurt and/or sadness involved and I'd really rather not stay in the pain for longer than I have to.) It's been taped to my bedroom door for a year and a half now. I started to rip it off in anger a few months ago, but found myself unable to. Like I wasn't finished with it yet. It's weird, because I kinda moved past the idea of this vision/plan becoming a reality about a year ago. What church in their right mind would want to hire somebody like me, anyway? 99% of the time, I believe that He is real, but sometimes I just wonder if I'm talking to the stars. I run away from Him easily (although I almost feel as if I've quit running, made a u-turn and am heading back somewhere healthier... I would hardly call it a sprint, though.), my thoughts on theology are changing, I'm INCREDIBLY self-obsessed, I barely go to church anymore, I have issues with authority figures sometimes, I'm depressed, anxious and I don't believe He cares. Hardly the equation for an amazing church staff. Or attendee for that matter....
Anyway, so I'm giving these back. It feels slightly freeing, and peaceful and just like the "right" thing to do on some level. Hard to explain, but I felt that I needed to share this with or for somebody... Perhaps you will find it healing too.
The Vision. The Goal.
To love others the way that Jesus loved those around Him – Extravagantly.
With intent focus on those with special needs whether they be men or women, children, teens or adults. To search out and find those around me who are called to the same heart. To implore them on how to become leaders and be adequately trained on how best to love the ones they serve.
To make a seamless transition from unaware to seeker to Jesus follower to servant in a way that still respects their needs of communication and learning. To develop a system of specifically targeting ways for individuals with special needs to become interactive in the church body; with a special emphasis on the creative arts. (i.e.: Not just a face in the crowd. The goal is not to just have these individuals with special needs to come to church – but to understand and become “the church”)
To help the immediate church body and those particular individuals with special needs understand their worth as God sees them and their gifts.
To develop relationships with those in our surrounding communities so that we as a church might understand the needs of children, teens and adults with special needs better. In turn, so that we may serve them better.
As a small part of fulfilling this mission: Have round table discussions 1x every 3 months with the above communities. Have round table discussions 1x every 6 months with surrounding churches to share ideas, concerns, etc about how we as the “Big C” church is doing in respect to involving others with special needs.
To travel to communities, churches and schools outside of the immediate Tri-State area so that I might get a fuller picture of how to best communicate and grow those I am working with.
To set a goal of the majority of this vision to be coming into fruition in 2 to 3 years.
To remember that this is not my vision – it is God’s. These are His children and this vision is simply part of a bigger plan. That this vision is no more important or less important that anyone else’s. It exists to help edify the Body.
And to remember that this will be hard. But it will be worth it because it is God’s plan, not my own. I just have to obey.
August 26th, 2009
Sunday, April 10, 2011
50 Lies That I Believe
Dear Jesus, please take this heaping pile of shit and turn it into good soil.
1. Because I am not all good, I am all bad.
2. I am too ugly and/or fat to be anyone's true friend.
3. I am worthless.
4. I am nobody.
5. I have and will always be these things.
6. Because I make a mistake or miscommunicate, this means I am an idiot and terrible at what I do.
7. I am not allowed to have good things.
8. I will always be fat.
9. Even if I wasn't fat, I will always be disgusting.
10. I make people want to throw up.
11. My friends secretly hate me.
12. I do not deserve forgiveness.
13. I deserve to be punished.
14. I am a terrible person.
15. I have or will ruin any hint of a positive relationship.
16. I deserve to be left.
17. I am not allowed to make mistakes.
18. If people really knew who I was, they would hate me.
19. I embarrass everybody.
20. I am not worth fighting for.
21. I will always be like this.
22. I would be the worst parent. My children would hate me.
23. I am not allowed to think that I am pretty.
24. I am not allowed to believe that it is a good thing that I am trying to get better.
25. I am a failure.
26. I will always be a failure.
27. I will never be the wife Isaac needs me to be.
28. Because I thrive on relationships, this means that I am broken or not strong.
29. I don't enjoy being misvalued, but I believe that I should be.
30. I will die a horrible death.
31. Jesus doesn't know who the hell I am or if he does, he's not pleased at all.
32. Because I can be bitchy, that means that I am a bitch.
33. My friends only tell me nice things because they feel bad for me, not because they mean them.
34. I am beyond forgiveness.
35. No one is to be trusted fully.
36. Because I fail at something, it makes me a failure.
37. Every neighbor looks out their window when I jog and makes fun of the lazy fat girl. And wonders why I even try.
38. I do not work hard enough.
39. If I gain a pound, it's because I enjoyed my food the day before.
40. If I allow myself a treat, I have instantly gained 7-8lbs.
41. Restaurant patrons judge me and know that I went over my Weight Watcher points for the day.
42. People think about me this much.
43. That at my truest form, I am a cross between Java the Hut, the Mucinex guy and the shade of a dull grayish cream.
44. I am less than everyone around me.
45. My husband will leave me for someone better.
46. I will never be as pretty or smart or talented or desirable as the other women.
47. Everyone instantly knows this.
48. My story is a waste.
49. I am a fool.
50. Believing anything other than these things means that I am selfish, arrogant, stupid and blind.
1. Because I am not all good, I am all bad.
2. I am too ugly and/or fat to be anyone's true friend.
3. I am worthless.
4. I am nobody.
5. I have and will always be these things.
6. Because I make a mistake or miscommunicate, this means I am an idiot and terrible at what I do.
7. I am not allowed to have good things.
8. I will always be fat.
9. Even if I wasn't fat, I will always be disgusting.
10. I make people want to throw up.
11. My friends secretly hate me.
12. I do not deserve forgiveness.
13. I deserve to be punished.
14. I am a terrible person.
15. I have or will ruin any hint of a positive relationship.
16. I deserve to be left.
17. I am not allowed to make mistakes.
18. If people really knew who I was, they would hate me.
19. I embarrass everybody.
20. I am not worth fighting for.
21. I will always be like this.
22. I would be the worst parent. My children would hate me.
23. I am not allowed to think that I am pretty.
24. I am not allowed to believe that it is a good thing that I am trying to get better.
25. I am a failure.
26. I will always be a failure.
27. I will never be the wife Isaac needs me to be.
28. Because I thrive on relationships, this means that I am broken or not strong.
29. I don't enjoy being misvalued, but I believe that I should be.
30. I will die a horrible death.
31. Jesus doesn't know who the hell I am or if he does, he's not pleased at all.
32. Because I can be bitchy, that means that I am a bitch.
33. My friends only tell me nice things because they feel bad for me, not because they mean them.
34. I am beyond forgiveness.
35. No one is to be trusted fully.
36. Because I fail at something, it makes me a failure.
37. Every neighbor looks out their window when I jog and makes fun of the lazy fat girl. And wonders why I even try.
38. I do not work hard enough.
39. If I gain a pound, it's because I enjoyed my food the day before.
40. If I allow myself a treat, I have instantly gained 7-8lbs.
41. Restaurant patrons judge me and know that I went over my Weight Watcher points for the day.
42. People think about me this much.
43. That at my truest form, I am a cross between Java the Hut, the Mucinex guy and the shade of a dull grayish cream.
44. I am less than everyone around me.
45. My husband will leave me for someone better.
46. I will never be as pretty or smart or talented or desirable as the other women.
47. Everyone instantly knows this.
48. My story is a waste.
49. I am a fool.
50. Believing anything other than these things means that I am selfish, arrogant, stupid and blind.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Enneagram
I took a short version (I think....) of the Riso-Hudson Enneagram a little over a year ago to find out my "type". The results make SO much more sense now than they did a year ago... Astonishing.
My top score of 30, was a Type 2: The Helper
The Helper: The Functions of Empathy and Altruism— the potential for other-directedness, thoughtfulness for others, genuine self-sacrifice, generosity, and nurturance. Negatively, the potential for intrusiveness, possessiveness, manipulation, and self-deception.
My next highest were a 19, a Type 6: The Loyalist
The Loyalist: The Functions of Trust and Perseverance— The potential for emotional bonding with others, group identification, sociability, industriousness, loyalty to others, and commitment to larger efforts. Negatively, the potential for dependency, ambivalence, rebelliousness, anxiety, and inferiority feelings.
And with just a point lower at 18, my next highest score showed me to be a Type 4: The Individualist
The Functions of Self-Awareness and Artistic Creativity— The potential for intuition, sensitivity, individualism, self-expression, and self-revelation. Negatively, the potential for self-absorption, self-consciousness, self-doubt, self-inhibition, and depression.
If you're interested, you can find your type here, http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/
My top score of 30, was a Type 2: The Helper
The Helper: The Functions of Empathy and Altruism— the potential for other-directedness, thoughtfulness for others, genuine self-sacrifice, generosity, and nurturance. Negatively, the potential for intrusiveness, possessiveness, manipulation, and self-deception.
My next highest were a 19, a Type 6: The Loyalist
The Loyalist: The Functions of Trust and Perseverance— The potential for emotional bonding with others, group identification, sociability, industriousness, loyalty to others, and commitment to larger efforts. Negatively, the potential for dependency, ambivalence, rebelliousness, anxiety, and inferiority feelings.
And with just a point lower at 18, my next highest score showed me to be a Type 4: The Individualist
The Functions of Self-Awareness and Artistic Creativity— The potential for intuition, sensitivity, individualism, self-expression, and self-revelation. Negatively, the potential for self-absorption, self-consciousness, self-doubt, self-inhibition, and depression.
If you're interested, you can find your type here, http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/
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