In light of the recent Jerry Sandusky trial, it's caused me to reflect a few things.
1) By the grace of God, I was never sexually abused myself, but I have known many, many people who have been and a handful of others that I strongly suspect were. (as well as others who have done the abusing)
2) Abusers can be relatives, family friends or trusted aquaintainces. While stranger danger is a real threat, it seems a lot of times that it's the ones who are the closest, who learn to gain your trust (or have already have it, just by being born into the family) that seemingly hold the power.
3) It's not your fault. You didn't ask for it. You didn't deserve it. You're not dirty. Don't pretend you're over it or it didn't really affect you. Seek professional help and allow them to walk you through the raw emotions.
4) Your accuser doesn't have to be an evil person. They may have done an evil thing, but that doesn't neccesarily make them evil. (But they probably do still feel evil to you) They can be someone who is considered to be a good person and who is looked up to by the community and family. It doesn't mean that what happened to you is okay.
5) I've known people who try and "wash off" the abuse by taking multiple showers, always insisting that they're clean and presentable looking. I think some run from religion, while others fully embrace it. Perhaps the latter resides more with the philosophy that if they're "good' enough or learn to love others or something that they can possibly get rid of the feeling that they're done something wrong or maybe just the constant shame. I dunno know - it's just a theory drummed up by somebody who has no medical or physologicalial knowledge.
6) I don't know. Maybe this means nothing. Perhaps this brought up terrible memories. If it did, I am sorry. This wasn't meant to cause you pain. Um, it's not neccesarily dinner conversation... but I think it's a life altering event that if not dealt with can have really serious consquences on relationships, marriages and just general trust issues. I'm afraid this is coming off as sloppy. I just... I just don't want the people who I care about to feel so alone or dirty or like no one could ever love them if they knew. Seek professional help. It's not your fault. Perhaps you could help end the cycle.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Party Hardy
This is a copy of a letter that I sent to some folks in response to the recent devastation in Henryville, IN. Check it out and see if this is something you'd be interested in.
After hearing about the devastation that the tornados caused to towns not so far from us, I felt compelled to help. Especially my friends with special needs. Structure and repetition are kinda a big deal to lots of my friends with disabilities, and having your home, school and daily routine literally blown away has a way of impeding that.
So, my friends and I are throwing a PARTY for kids with special needs and their siblings in Henryville, IN. But we can't do it alone.
If loving on a kid (and parent) who's life has been turned upside down sounds of interest to you, click on this link Or, if the hyperlink's not working, type this in https://www.formstack.com/forms/?1211023-xE1k1gXqoC Personally, I would just click on the hyperlink.
Anyway, check it out. Sign up. Leave a comment here if you have any questions, etc.
Here's the DL/FAQ:
What: Breathe Respite (aka party for kids with special needs and their siblings)
When: Saturday, May 19th from 10am-1pm (volunteers MUST be there by 9:30am)
Where: Memphis Christian Church 13503 Memphis-Bluelick Rd Memphis, IN 47143
Say What: It's in Henryville, IN, about 20 mins away from Louisville and about 75 minutes away from Cincinnati
Is This A "Christian" Thing: We hold respites because most of us dig Jesus and think loving on people with special needs is something he'd be into. It's our way of loving others. It is held at a church, but that's partly because it's one of the more structurally sound locations there and partly because we roped the pastor into it. No one will be handing out tracks or splashing holy water on you. The families won't be required to go to church anywhere or pay anything for this. No one dresses up like Jesus.
I'm A Career Criminal, Am I Invited: This probably isn't your gig. Every volunteer must be complete a national background check through Protect My Ministry. Cost of the check is $9.
Can I Bring My Young Kids: As mature and fun-loving as I'm certain your offspring are, please leave them at Grandma's for the afternoon. We'd love it if all of the attention could be focused on just the one child you've been paired up with.
But My Kids Are Awesome. You've Met Them. Puh-Lease Can I Bring Them: No.
What's The Minimum Age Requirement To Serve: Junior High
What Link Am I Supposed To Click On Again To Sign Up To Serve Again?: This one
Also check out:
www.freerespite.com
After hearing about the devastation that the tornados caused to towns not so far from us, I felt compelled to help. Especially my friends with special needs. Structure and repetition are kinda a big deal to lots of my friends with disabilities, and having your home, school and daily routine literally blown away has a way of impeding that.
So, my friends and I are throwing a PARTY for kids with special needs and their siblings in Henryville, IN. But we can't do it alone.
If loving on a kid (and parent) who's life has been turned upside down sounds of interest to you, click on this link Or, if the hyperlink's not working, type this in https://www.formstack.com/forms/?1211023-xE1k1gXqoC Personally, I would just click on the hyperlink.
Anyway, check it out. Sign up. Leave a comment here if you have any questions, etc.
Here's the DL/FAQ:
What: Breathe Respite (aka party for kids with special needs and their siblings)
When: Saturday, May 19th from 10am-1pm (volunteers MUST be there by 9:30am)
Where: Memphis Christian Church 13503 Memphis-Bluelick Rd Memphis, IN 47143
Say What: It's in Henryville, IN, about 20 mins away from Louisville and about 75 minutes away from Cincinnati
Is This A "Christian" Thing: We hold respites because most of us dig Jesus and think loving on people with special needs is something he'd be into. It's our way of loving others. It is held at a church, but that's partly because it's one of the more structurally sound locations there and partly because we roped the pastor into it. No one will be handing out tracks or splashing holy water on you. The families won't be required to go to church anywhere or pay anything for this. No one dresses up like Jesus.
I'm A Career Criminal, Am I Invited: This probably isn't your gig. Every volunteer must be complete a national background check through Protect My Ministry. Cost of the check is $9.
Can I Bring My Young Kids: As mature and fun-loving as I'm certain your offspring are, please leave them at Grandma's for the afternoon. We'd love it if all of the attention could be focused on just the one child you've been paired up with.
But My Kids Are Awesome. You've Met Them. Puh-Lease Can I Bring Them: No.
What's The Minimum Age Requirement To Serve: Junior High
What Link Am I Supposed To Click On Again To Sign Up To Serve Again?: This one
Also check out:
www.freerespite.com
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
How Very 2003 Of Me...
I've waited a bit too long to begin writing this... My eyes are becoming increasingly heavy... This will either prove to work towards your benefit, as it will be a shorter blog than usual or will do the opposite - just be too drawn out and miscomjobulated. You know, one of these things.
It's been a while since I've written anything. If you know me for any period of time, you'll begin to notice that this is usually a tell tale sign that something funky's going on in my life on some level, and I just don't feel comfortable sharing it.
The short and sweet of it is that over the past 4 months, I've been emotionally hurt, lost money, lost even more pride, experienced fantastic highs and pretty bad lows. (that last part just made me sound bi-polar - I'm not)
The following may be more for me, but I'm going to attempt to share via bullet points what I've gone through/learned/continuously learning.
* Due to a series of unfortunate incidents, my depression worsened. This makes me feel broken, miserable, discarded, worthless
* I also lost/spent a LOT of money in a very short amount of time. This makes me feel foolish (1 time I had to go to the doctor and the other time I thought I was doing something right), naive, stupid, juvenile, a terrible spouse
* Finally began recognizing that I do binge eat. I don't think I've actually been hungry since 2010. I've gained 24lbs since September. 5bs just in the last month. On some level I'm able to recognize that this is unhealthy. On a more emotional level, I'm so overwhelmed with everything else, that I just don't care. Realizing all of this makes me feel shameful, unworthy of friendship and love, a major, ginormous embarrassment to my friends/family.
* There's some really great things about being married. Being sad a lot and feeling like you (unintentionally) put an extreme amount of pressure on your spouse to make you "okay" is terrible. Whether real or not, I feel awful after sharing things with Isaac. I partially feel relieved to get it off of my chest, but the other part of me feels like a giant Eeyore that moozied on into the room. I've tried to express it before, but it's not my spouse's job to make me 'happy'. It's just not.
* Periodically I get my panties into a wad about Christians who seem to present their version of the gospel as a spiritual 'wham, bam, thank you m'am'. I don't believe that's what Jesus taught. I typically refer back to the section in Luke 5 when Jesus tells his posse and some church folk that, as the New Living Translation puts it -“Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do."
Somehow we've tricked ourselves and others into believing that 'Jesus Saves' means that we'll never have to deal with our drug or sex addictions. Our judgemental attitudes or loose tongues. Marriage problems will evade us and as long as we don't get a divorce, we've proven we really listened to God. I have done a fabulous job at convincing myself on many occasions that because I really searched out my faith, or that I did all of the right "steps" that I'll never have to deal with my own "afflictions". Because I love Jesus, I shouldn't ever have to really deal with recurrences of depression, doubt, self-loathing, anxiety, stress, obsessive tendencies or over eating. A) This is total BULL SHIT B) No sane person ever expects to go to the pediatrician as a baby and never have to see a doctor again for the rest of their lives. C) Nor should any sane person rack their faith up to check marks.
As much as I talk about my friends and the need for community, I'm still pretty into me. I would like to believe that I should have mastered (insert something here) by now. I don't really need continual saving....
I'm sure there were other witty, intelligent thoughts that were dying to get out, but I've successfully stayed asleep on the couch with the computer in my lap for at least the last 45-60 minutes.... so I'm calling it a night.
Feel free to discuss/share (anonymous is always a swell safe way to share in my book) your thoughts, successes or struggles here. I can't promise that I'll always respond in the most loving way, but I promise that I'll fall asleep on the couch multiple times with the aim to...
It's been a while since I've written anything. If you know me for any period of time, you'll begin to notice that this is usually a tell tale sign that something funky's going on in my life on some level, and I just don't feel comfortable sharing it.
The short and sweet of it is that over the past 4 months, I've been emotionally hurt, lost money, lost even more pride, experienced fantastic highs and pretty bad lows. (that last part just made me sound bi-polar - I'm not)
The following may be more for me, but I'm going to attempt to share via bullet points what I've gone through/learned/continuously learning.
* Due to a series of unfortunate incidents, my depression worsened. This makes me feel broken, miserable, discarded, worthless
* I also lost/spent a LOT of money in a very short amount of time. This makes me feel foolish (1 time I had to go to the doctor and the other time I thought I was doing something right), naive, stupid, juvenile, a terrible spouse
* Finally began recognizing that I do binge eat. I don't think I've actually been hungry since 2010. I've gained 24lbs since September. 5bs just in the last month. On some level I'm able to recognize that this is unhealthy. On a more emotional level, I'm so overwhelmed with everything else, that I just don't care. Realizing all of this makes me feel shameful, unworthy of friendship and love, a major, ginormous embarrassment to my friends/family.
* There's some really great things about being married. Being sad a lot and feeling like you (unintentionally) put an extreme amount of pressure on your spouse to make you "okay" is terrible. Whether real or not, I feel awful after sharing things with Isaac. I partially feel relieved to get it off of my chest, but the other part of me feels like a giant Eeyore that moozied on into the room. I've tried to express it before, but it's not my spouse's job to make me 'happy'. It's just not.
* Periodically I get my panties into a wad about Christians who seem to present their version of the gospel as a spiritual 'wham, bam, thank you m'am'. I don't believe that's what Jesus taught. I typically refer back to the section in Luke 5 when Jesus tells his posse and some church folk that, as the New Living Translation puts it -
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Is Christian Accountability a Farse?
http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/145836-why-i-don-t-believe-in-christian-accountability-giveaway.html#.TxbqVcXMdkw.facebook
I thought it was a pretty interesting read. What are your thoughts?
I thought it was a pretty interesting read. What are your thoughts?
Friday, January 13, 2012
20 Things I've Learned Over The Past Year
1) My suspicions about having an anxiety disorder were true. When I joked that I was ocd, I unknowingly was correct. And depression is nothing to be messed with.
2) Telling somebody to "just get over it", "be happy", "I think you're pretty" (when it's not your spouse) or any form of Christianise saying, no matter how genuine it is, is not helpful to hear when you're at the bottom of the barrel.
3) When I go to the doctor now, they say things like, "You're a healthy, young adult" instead of telling me my cholesterol is high or how I should really try and lose some weight. (I'm not dissing them. It's their job. Except for my old gyno - he was just a jerkwad) It's just really interesting to hear.
4) Running a 5k is always better with family.
5) Because I finished the 5k without passing out, it motivated me to take greater risks.
6) It's incredibly humbling to take meds/therapy/excerise to even out the serotonin levels in my brain.
7) It's even more humbling to realize that after beginning the meds, it began to control the amount of anxiety attacks and all of the really weird quirks that I never realized were a) not normal and b) associated with ocd.
8) And if things couldn't get any more humbling... when I still have those hiccups. When I see glimpses of the woman I loathe emerging again. When I have an anxiety attack for "no reason", when I say something mean or stupid or thoughtless, when I can't stop obsessing for days over a dumb comment or look I think may have been projected at me... It's humbling and it makes me feel worthless and that I've let me friends down, as they can tell/feel 'I haven't really changed'.
9) That being said... Hiccups happen. Life happens. Don't panic too much.
10) I have rediscovered a deep and meaningful love for my husband, even more so than before.
11) That I am wildly blessed to being getting paid to do what I love. And even more blessed knowing Isaac gets paid to do what he loves as well. To have two people be able to share in that at the same time... there's probably a higher likelihood of winning the lottery.
12) Bridesmaids was so so funny. That an ensemble of woman could make a fantastic movie and be hilarious without being ditzy or leaning on their male counterparts. So proud.
13) I decided I wanted to go back to Jos and hang with some friends.
14) After a lot of soul-searching, I've sorta redefined my theology and faith and how Jesus intercedes in my life. None of it's bad. It was painful getting here... but I am so thankful for the journey. And I'm not stupid enough to think that it's over.
15) Friends who allow you the time to just "breathe" and rediscover your faith and yourself without shoving a bunch of crap down your throat... those are life-long friends. Those friends count.
16) Being a "leader" or being "involved" in whatever ministry is just something that I used to do, it's not who I am.
17) I've decided it's okay be a leader in your field and be a Christian, but that is completely different than being a leader at your church. And I am 100% down with that.
18) I think Jesus probably likes that I'm somewhat recklessly pursuing Him.
19) Sometimes I hurt people, even though I don't mean to.
20) It's okay to fail. Still hurts though : )
2) Telling somebody to "just get over it", "be happy", "I think you're pretty" (when it's not your spouse) or any form of Christianise saying, no matter how genuine it is, is not helpful to hear when you're at the bottom of the barrel.
3) When I go to the doctor now, they say things like, "You're a healthy, young adult" instead of telling me my cholesterol is high or how I should really try and lose some weight. (I'm not dissing them. It's their job. Except for my old gyno - he was just a jerkwad) It's just really interesting to hear.
4) Running a 5k is always better with family.
5) Because I finished the 5k without passing out, it motivated me to take greater risks.
6) It's incredibly humbling to take meds/therapy/excerise to even out the serotonin levels in my brain.
7) It's even more humbling to realize that after beginning the meds, it began to control the amount of anxiety attacks and all of the really weird quirks that I never realized were a) not normal and b) associated with ocd.
8) And if things couldn't get any more humbling... when I still have those hiccups. When I see glimpses of the woman I loathe emerging again. When I have an anxiety attack for "no reason", when I say something mean or stupid or thoughtless, when I can't stop obsessing for days over a dumb comment or look I think may have been projected at me... It's humbling and it makes me feel worthless and that I've let me friends down, as they can tell/feel 'I haven't really changed'.
9) That being said... Hiccups happen. Life happens. Don't panic too much.
10) I have rediscovered a deep and meaningful love for my husband, even more so than before.
11) That I am wildly blessed to being getting paid to do what I love. And even more blessed knowing Isaac gets paid to do what he loves as well. To have two people be able to share in that at the same time... there's probably a higher likelihood of winning the lottery.
12) Bridesmaids was so so funny. That an ensemble of woman could make a fantastic movie and be hilarious without being ditzy or leaning on their male counterparts. So proud.
13) I decided I wanted to go back to Jos and hang with some friends.
14) After a lot of soul-searching, I've sorta redefined my theology and faith and how Jesus intercedes in my life. None of it's bad. It was painful getting here... but I am so thankful for the journey. And I'm not stupid enough to think that it's over.
15) Friends who allow you the time to just "breathe" and rediscover your faith and yourself without shoving a bunch of crap down your throat... those are life-long friends. Those friends count.
16) Being a "leader" or being "involved" in whatever ministry is just something that I used to do, it's not who I am.
17) I've decided it's okay be a leader in your field and be a Christian, but that is completely different than being a leader at your church. And I am 100% down with that.
18) I think Jesus probably likes that I'm somewhat recklessly pursuing Him.
19) Sometimes I hurt people, even though I don't mean to.
20) It's okay to fail. Still hurts though : )
Sunday, January 8, 2012
manipulative beliefs
Several months ago, a group of friends and I were having a discussion about various things, when someone asked a question (I'm paraphrasing here) about how to be in leadership and convey personal ideas or beliefs that their company may not be totally down with. I'm afraid none of us were much help. (My brilliant answer was to wait a long time and then revisit the idea. Granted, I was pretty in the dark about what they were talking about at the time, but still. Dumb answer.) Other responses alluded something to the effect of essentially tricking the receipts into believing the ideas. Think, boiling a frog... Knowing the hearts of my friends, I know that they weren't intending to sound manipulative, but it took me aback. I realized A) I never wanted to work under someone who operated under that mindset B) If I'm choosing to be honest, I'm sure I've probably been a bit of a con in the past - with good intentions - but still... C) I don't want to operate like that in the future. I never want to feel like I'm con-ing or manipulating anyone into believing something. Beliefs can't be forced. Just like you can't make somebody love you. They have to come to that decision on their own. I'm reading several books right now that helped me reinterate this truth - unChristian by David Kinnaman (president of the Barna research group) & Gabe Lyons and Signs of Emergence by Kester Brewin. Similar concepts that end up taking different paths.
But one thing remains true - if you want somebody to respect you and your beliefs, you've got to just be yourself. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Jesus. I think almost everyone (Christians included) is on high alert when it comes to sincerity. 'Believers' are awesome when it comes to being angry, political, judgemental, loud, brash, ignorant and pushing our agendas. We are not so well known for just letting things "breathe". To allow people to come to their own conclusions as well as allowing them the space to question certain beliefs without practically excommunicating them. When will we learn that good leaders (no matter what the business) lead by example and not by shoving things down people's throats?
But one thing remains true - if you want somebody to respect you and your beliefs, you've got to just be yourself. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Jesus. I think almost everyone (Christians included) is on high alert when it comes to sincerity. 'Believers' are awesome when it comes to being angry, political, judgemental, loud, brash, ignorant and pushing our agendas. We are not so well known for just letting things "breathe". To allow people to come to their own conclusions as well as allowing them the space to question certain beliefs without practically excommunicating them. When will we learn that good leaders (no matter what the business) lead by example and not by shoving things down people's throats?
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