Sunday, November 30, 2008

Don't Bring Me Down... No, No, No, No, No

I love Electric Light Orchestra.

So I originally decided not to tell too many people I had a blog. Mainly because I was afraid that people would read it and judge me. (see below) But since I'm dealing the whole judging/fear thing, I figured what the crap. If you read the last post and judged me then so what. I've got issues. You've got issues. No biggie.

Isaac's making baked spagetti tonight. He's pretty awesome. I'm glad we're married. He's good for me. And while I'm at it, I'm going to make a list of things I dig.

* King of the Hill
* My hottie Husband
* Q City Players
* 110 words
* Debbie - she's probably the nicest, most sincere person I've ever met. She glows Jesus. She inspires me
* pooping
* Christmas decorations - makes me feel warm inside. Let me be happy, Joe & Isaac. Don't be cynical about this
* Vineyard Community Church
* Frank Marzullo - he's a darn good weatherman
* My Grandma Wilder - she's endured a lot, but she's still maintained a positive attitude.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

weird day

So I finally broke down and got a blog. MySpace just kinda makes me feel like I should just be learning how to drive or talking about the boy in 5th period.... I might keep it just to stay in contact with old friends...

I went to a baby shower in Louisville for some old friends today. I knew these 2 back in college and I hadn't seen them in probably 6 years. On the drive back I started realizing how much I had actually missed them all of those years. Granted, I've been TERRIBLE about keeping in contact, but all I wanted to do after leaving the shower was serve with them again. I remembered all of the mission trips, long talks, creative ministries weekends and I wanted to be a part of that again. I had forgotten how much I missed those two.

Do you ever feel like you should be way farther ahead in life than you are? Like maybe you missed something or you're in the process of watching it fly by? I didn't really feel that way until I turned 28.... But I feel like I'm starting things late or it's too late to start other things. I told a friend this the other day and he just smiled. I know it's retarded. But I swear, some days I feel like I have just been left behind.

I recently finished a class at the church I attend called Hidden Agendas, taught by Erin Campbell Ministries. I was originally interested in it because I thought it was about learning about other people's hidden agendas. It wasn't. It was about figuring out mine : ) Things like fear, people pleasing, procrastination, the critical spirit, the controlling spirit, etc.... It was a journey, but one that I'm glad I took. I realized over the past year or two that I have some serious issues. I guess everybody does, I think I just didn't realize I had any. Marriage tends to bring your flaws to the surface. Which I guess is a good thing. That way you at least can recognize what needs to be dealt with. I think some of the things that I learned about in class, things that I have allowed to hold me back, are generational. And some things, I think I have just allowed to control me. Being fearful. Judgemental. Never being completely satisfied with my own efforts. Not seeing my own self worth. Always feeling like a failure. I made a promise to myself after the class ended that I would continue to push myself to work on these things. That I didn't just finish a 10 week series, but that I began a healing process that will probably take me the rest of my life to complete. So if I come up to you after church or I send a random e-mail apologizing for something that I'm sure you now hate me for, just understand that I'm seriously trying to work thru some things. The overly apologizing will probably be one of the hardest things to let go. I'm so fearful of people judging me that it holds back. But again, this is something I've promised myself that I'll work on.

And while I'm purging all of my ugliness out there.... I've been feeling super ginormous lately. Like, I get that I'm fat, but I've gained 30 lbs in a year. I went to the gym up until last month. It didn't even slow the weight gain down. I mean, it's not like I eat whole pizzas or something. Granted, I'm emotional eater, so I do eat a lot, but so does my brother and he's skinny. This is the heaviest I've ever been. I was looking thru some pictures on Thanksgiving and I wanted to puke. I grossed myself out. I look like a blob. I'm actually to the point where I feel disgusting. I was at some friends house the other night and I was leaning back on this huge plush chair thingie and I realized near the end of the evening that they must have thought I looked disgusting. And I was really having a good time until I thought of that. I watched about 2 or 3 hours worth of documentaries on extremely overweight people a few weeks back. People who were like 600-1000lbs. I know it's messed up, but that's how I feel people view me now. And I'm afraid I'll end up like that.

In church tonight Joe talked about letting go of trying to control your own life and letting God rule. I believe there is a direct link between the issues that I deal with and control. My husband says I have issues being spiritually vulnerable. Maybe I should try letting God take full control and see what happens. Joe also talked about names and their meaning and how God sometimes changes your name to suit what you are to become. And how God can take our crap and make it new and better than we imagined. I hope the God who saves will change my name soon.