Last year was a year of discovery for me. Discovering who I was, what I believed, what I considered to be truth.
I began this year with a new sense of excitement. I certainly wasn't a renewed 'Jesus Freak' or something. I was just willing to take a gamble on a few things.
Turns out I suck at betting.
Through a series of very unfortunate incidents of miscommunication and one really crazy e-mail from a missionary in Africa, I ended up losing $1k on a plane ticket and had my heart (and mainly pride) shredded. Eventually we made amends, and I ended up on her "Dearest Girlfriends" monthly e-mail list. While I appreciated the gesture, I eventually ended up blocking her e-mail address a few months ago, as receiving monthly updates on a country and city that I was denied entrance to seemed to throw me into a tailspin. I don't hate anybody. I sincerely hope the ministry flourishes. I'll probably continue to still donate to it. I just found the whole thing to be more than disheartening and quite frankly, it just really pissed me off.
March/April I thought I was pregnant for a short stint. Lots of solid reasons why, but turns out I wasn't. Found out on April's Fool's Day. Actually, I thought I had a miscarriage. Turns out it was neither. SOB. All the research online seems to suggest that women can make up pregnancy symptoms when they just really want to have a kid. Some online comments are a little less kind. All my doctors assure me that I'm not crazy and it happens to a lot of people. I think that's when I began my month long binge eating phase...
Tried to put together a respite for kids with disabilities... Respite's something I gave up a couple of years ago and it was a major, major step for me to be willing to even be involved, let alone try and put one together. That never came to fruition. Felt humiliated. Probably no reason to, but I did.
I dunno know, some other personal and professional stuff happened and I just began to lose hope. I felt like I had 'put myself out there' so to say several times, trying to trust God again or just do something good for somebody and just got slapped in the face. I really kinda wanted to be like, "Hello God, throw me a bone here" (seriously, does anybody ACTUALLY say that phrase anymore?!)
I really don't even know how to pray anymore. I don't think I have the faith that anything good will come of it. I want the miracle for people, but for various reasons, I don't feel like it'll happen. Maybe God's depressed.
I read this on my friend Charlie Hines' facebook page this weekend and it got me thinking... Perhaps I just need a new perspective.
The day I prayed for salvation, I gave God permission to pursue me and intervene in my life as long as I live. I gave Him permission to assemble road blocks and guardrails to redirect my path. I gave Him permission to pursue me through the relationships He brought into my life and the pain and suffering that I'm exposed to on a daily basis. I love the fact that He never will quit on me and that ...
he believes in me even more than I do. So maybe you are out there wondering why all this is happening in your life. And maybe you prayed a prayer giving God permission to direct your path. Maybe you prayed it when you were a kid or maybe just a few weeks, months, or years ago. Maybe you have forgotten you ever prayed it. Well He did not. So God thanks for what I'm going through... It means you haven't quit on me.