Tuesday, June 30, 2009

selfish moment

Most of you know that my Grandma Johnson hasn't been doing so hot since last April. Early stages of Alzheimer's and Dementia.

I haven't been able to see Grandma in a while so I've called a couple of times in the past weeks. When I called tonight I talked to Grandpa for a while (which is rare - he ususally gets off the phone quickly - but there had been a problem with one of the aides today) and at the end of the conversation, Grandpa asked me to hold on while he got Grandma on the phone.

I'm guessing he set the phone down, but I heard the whole conversation he had with Grandma. Basically, he said that Jennifer was on the phone (she no longer recoginizes me as 'Jenny') and Grandma asked who that was. Grandpa explained that I was their grandaughter.... She just really didn't want to talk on the phone. Sometimes she gets angry or frustrated easily, which is part of the disease, and I could hear it in her voice. Again, Grandpa asked her to just to talk for a second on the phone to me, etc. And again, she asked who Jennifer was. He again explained that I was there Grandaughter and that I was Winnie's daughter. She picked up but I could tell that she had no idea who I was. So I just said "Hello, Grandma. This is Jennifer, your grandaughter." We both asked how the other was at the same time. I said I was good and then she said that it was nice of me to call. End of conversation.

These 2 diseases just seem to be devestating. There are definite good moments, but it seems that the person you've known for so long is slipping away. And for their sake, you have to pretend that you don't notice. And honestly, nobody has it harder that my Grandma. How scary for her. And my Grandpa Johnson and my mom work endless to take care of her. They and other members of my family get the majority of the stress and have to deal with it everyday.

Here's my selfish moment - sometimes I get really upset that she doesn't remember me. Most times it's okay. I live the farthest away from her and I don't see her as much. And she tries to remember me. She does. Sometimes she thinks I'm her cousin or sometimes I'm her daughter. And sometimes she just gives me a blank stare. But there are the times when she knows who I am and we talk like we used to. Funny thing is, she always remembers who Isaac is. Go figure.

But as selfish as it sounds, I just don't want my grandma to forget me. It's not that I've done something so great in life, it's just that she's my grandma. And I want me to remember me.

Some days are just harder than others. There. Hopefully I'll quit balling now.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


yesterday I posted a blog about my sincere distain for Carrie Prejean and her apparent lack of integrity. I am not recanting what I said - I still whole heartly believe it - however, I was reminded last night of something.

While Carrie's actions irritate me, we're in the same boat. I have said things and done things to people in my past that have hurt them and hurt God.

Look, there's no such thing as a perfect christian or a perfect church. Over the past several years I have heard numberous friends say, well, I'm not going to act like so and so. Or they're a bad Christian. Or how stupid could blah, blah, blah. And sometimes I'll say, "but that's us". basically, we're just as jacked up as whoever we were talking about. Last night I forgot who I was for a second.

Me and Carrie, we're in the same boat. I may not like some of her actions, but I need just as much mercy and forgiveness from Jesus as she does.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

What Right Do We Have As Christians?

I've just got to say it- I am not a fan of Carrie Prejean. I am also not a fan of Perez Hilton. Seriously, who picked that guy to be a judge? I thought the original controversy over her answer at the Miss USA padgent was a bit blown out of perportion. Perez Hilton clearly has a lack of maturity. Clearly. However, it almost became this big hoopla of her losing the crown over her answer on gay marriage. As the Miss California padgent crew and several other news sources pointed out in the following days, Carrie was behind in the overall score even before she answered that fateful question. However, some Chrisitans and certain news stations made this huge stink (and continue to) about her answer to the question making her lose the crown. Surely Carrie knew the scores in the aftermath, yet she never set the record straight. In fact, she added to the fire with a bit of smugness. And then came the topless shots and the fact that she didn't disclose the information to the padgent ahead of time and also that there was a communication issue.

I watched the press conference when Donald Trump stood by her side and said that all was well and that she would still be Miss California. Carrie just sat there so smug. Instead of being humbled that she almost lost her title for ridiculous crap she had done, she had this sense of, "I beat the system". Instead of apologizing for the topless shots, she made excuses. She was 17 at the time. Her friend took some. The professional photographer leaked the others to embarass her. She was so angry at the photographer, yet she took the photos so she could get work like that. Her answer to the reason why she failed to tell padgent officals about the topless photos - it was a 12 page application. And she's studying to be a teacher??

Today, Carrie was dethroned from the title of Miss California. Padgent officals are saying that Carrie wasn't keeping up with communication that she was pushing her own issues while representing Miss California. Carrie's pastor appeared on HLN network and basically said that she's done everything she's been asked to do, blah, blah, blah.

The thing that bothers me the most is that thru all of this, it seems that Carrie and her following have been more than willing to tote the whole "Because I'm a Christian, this is why I've been kicked out/picked on/etc" . How about you take some responability for your actions, apologize for your poor judgement, be grateful that you weren't kicked out 3 weeks ago and grovel for forgiveness from padgent officals? Carrie Prejean represented the state of California and had obligations to uphold. She was to be truthful in her answers and clearly, choose not to be and has been toting the gay marriage soapbox ever since.

It's not just Carrie Prejean that annoys me. It's when I see Christians act like they're owed something. That they're only getting picked on because of their beliefs, not because of their own irresponible behavior. What do Christians have to be smug about anyway?

there. that's been bothering me for a while.