Saturday, September 24, 2011


when I get in a funk, I tend to want to talk it out. Usually with friends, sometimes through a blog. I think the idea of embracing the crappiness in the moment is much more appealing than always reading about how someone's come through on the other side... There's some form of relationship and solace found in confessions, struggles... And while I believe that 100%, I almost always wuss out : )

But not tonight. This is nothing life altering or crazy or anything - so don't get your hopes up - but here's what I'm struggling with.

* I've gained 14lbs since May or June. About 8 in the last month. I loved the movie experience, but I was so anxious, that I drank and ate my way through it. I'm still a 12, but I'm a tight 12. The tightness reminds me of what a failure I am. I am embarrassed to go out. I think I am an embarrassment to others because of my weight gain. When I'm out somewhere and someone comments on how much skinnier I am, I immediately fire back with "I've gained 10lbs".
* I've been trying to whiten my teeth for about a month now. It's a combination of laziness and my tongue/throat reaction that has only led me to be 1/2 way there. And I'm not sure I can tell the difference.
* Someone is BLARING the Cupid Shuffle outside my house at the moment. I honestly just think that it's hilarious.
* I've been ridiculously excited about something for a long time. We're going on a real grown-up vacation. But today I've really been struggling with being depressed. It all circles back to the whole philsophy that I don't believe that I deserve anything good... and that I definitely don't deserve to enjoy myself because of how overweight I am. Vicious circle.
* I just applied press on toenails and fingernails. Yep.
* I have been dreading October since August. 10/10 my life was filled with chaos, death, dread, hatred, anger and anxiety. I hate the person I was then. I can't forgive myself for who I was, mainly because I wonder if part of her's still in me. And partly because I don't believe people have forgiven me. Nor do I believe they should.
* I ate 2 Little Debbie Pumpkin Cakes while I typed this blog.
* My dog is currently laying on my clean laundry blowing out diarhea farts.
* I'm in the process of re-examining my faith and the Bible. I wish I had paid more attention in Bible college.
* Okay, Cash's gas is just getting disgusting now.
* I think I want to learn Greek and/or Hebrew. I think.
* I'm going to be off the grid for awhile. Please don't take it personal :  )

Thursday, September 15, 2011


Isaac makes movies. I make friends with folks who have "disabilities". I prefer it this way.

I signed up for a week to be a production assistant on the film. I think I ended up on set everyday : )  Partly because it was the only way I could see my husband : ) but mainly because I fell in love with the people around me. It was hard, stressful and incredibly enjoyable work. I'm deeply saddened that some of my favorite people are leaving town. It's very humbling to be surrounded by such an array of talented individuals. Folks who are beautiful on the inside and out. I doubt most of them can see their own self worth, but I feel like I can.

I can honestly say that it was an honor to serve under the leadership of my friend and director, Brad Wise and Joe Boyd, who I have without permission, lovingly adopted as my big brother. And of course, Isaac. It's taken us six movies, but we've finally begun to figure out how to work together :  ) I am so, so, so grateful for his love and support and guidance over the last month and a half. For allowing me to serve with him to an extent. To be a part of his dream. That is an amazing gift to be given.

I have a few pictures of the set, but most are stored in my heart. I planned on taking a ton at the wrap party and celebrating and saying last good-byes, etc, but I came down with a rather large anxiety attack instead. BOO. So I ended up stealing the director's baby and sitting outside of the Harbor Point Dewey's holding the most precious 14lbs of infant ever created. I told him how much his mommy and daddy loved him and how they had waited so long to have him. How they probably cried when they found out Leah was pregnant. And how they love him more than anything else in this world. Henry just cooed and looked at me with deep satisfaction, as if to say he already knew.

I also spent a chunk of time with a very close friend, discussing life and love and what to do about all of it. I have been very blessed in the friendship department, even when I have not done anything to deserve them or have pushed them away. I am very, very, very blessed. I have forgiving and loving friends.

And then I just spent the rest of the quiet evening at home with Isaac. And I loved every last second of it.