Monday, April 25, 2011

wonderments and amusements part 2

I tend to not brush my teeth before I run in the morning. I figure if someone is going to try and attack me, they'll have to get through my breath first.

Depression hurts. Cymbalta doesn't do jack shit.
I don't actually know this from personal experience, but I'm still willing to make it into a t-shirt.

I accidently burned my forearm trying to change the settings on my lawnmower. Then very early this morning, I accidently ripped the blister/all skin off of it. ARGH!!!! I would not suggest doing this.

I have found through personal experience, that if I have to fart, the motion of sitting down on the toliet sucks it all back up. This is frustrating. What is even more frustrating, is that as soon as I stand back up and button my pants, the urge is back and intense. Thus, I am forced to fart in my pants and then fan them out. Wwwwhhhhhhaaaa? Fan them out, you say? Um, yeah. Who knows what could happen after I walk out the bathroom door? An old lady may drop dead in front of me and I would be forced to go to drastic life saving measures, only in my effort to kneel and start pumping her heart back into motion my waistband may crease and poof, there goes my stored fart. With my butt up in the air and a thick fog lumming, I can't quite blame it on the dead lady when the paramedics arrive, now can I?

You know how in the Bible when Jesus would raise folks from the dead and he's always tell someone to get them food immediately afterwards? I kinda wonder if it was because they really were hungry or if it was just because it seemed like a tangible thing to do instead of everybody just staring at the person or asking them a million questions.

I wonder if Jesus had a fat brain. I wonder if he liked ketchup. If he preferred dark chocolate over milk choclate. If he even liked fish, or whether he just ate it because that's all he had. If every morning, manna fell from the sky for him for breakfast.  I wonder if we're even concerned about food in heaven. If there is food, I'm assuming since it's heaven, there will be no food allergies, which means that I can chow down again on shellfish. And we can all drink and not get tipsy. And if we run out, we'll just find some water and change it. And all of my Baptist friends will pass out from the shock and my Catholic friends will say, "I told you so."

If He is supposed to forget our sins as far as the East is from the West, then why do people talk about being judged after we die? Because then where does the whole, "welcome, good and faithful servant" come into play? After someone we don't care for does something ignorant, do we say, "well, they'll be judged for that later" and if someone we like does something we think is grand, do we say things like, "Jesus won't forget this. You're written in his book. Some people have even served angels and not known it."  Is it really that Jesus won't forget all of the bad and good things that humans have done, or is it more about the fact that we won't?

I'm much more at peace and happy than I used to be. It's not that my problems are solved, but I feel like I'm making progress to some tiny degree. And I really do believe that there is freedom in sharing your pain to a degree.

In the past 3 or 4 years, I've really begun to realize and identify safe people in my life. And I'm to the point now, where I'm okay saying that some people just aren't safe. It's not that they've evil (although at times, it may feel that way), but they're not a person who will help you along in life. Someone who constantly brings you down and/or hurts you, whether physical or emotional or financial, isn't someone to be trusted. Yes, there is forgiveness, and yes, we are supposed to love our enemies, but I don't think loving them neccesarily equals having constant contact with them. They may need time to grow, just as you may need time to heal.

Some things just belong together:
Armpits and deodrant
Joe and Deb
Bourbon and Dt Coke

Okay, I have to go pee and then give my dog a bath. Tell me you're jealous.

ta ta

Monday, April 11, 2011

a gentle offering at your feet

Dear Jesus, please take these as a peace offering. I once tried to chuck them at You out of anger and frustration. I think I'm almost to the point where I'm just more interested in seeing what You want to do, as opposed to seeing how I'm involved.

There are two things that I have wanted/felt like I could do with what I have been given.
1) Was to write a daily devotional for young adults. It's more of fun thing I have wanted to do since college. It's not like it was a "word from the Lord" or something. Nothing super serious about it... I just always kinda had this silly idea that I could take all of the funny, random, ridiculous stories in my life, and apply a short life lesson to them. However, this hasn't come to fruition for about 3 reasons:
A) My story telling skills have a bit to be desired and I'm not nearly as concise as I need to be.
B) Everytime I've tried to start it, I quit because I either hate it or think everyone else would : )
C) There's really nothing funny about being depressed and angry. Or at least, I haven't found the life lesson in it yet.
 2) After taking an evangelism class at church, I felt like God sorta outlined what He wanted me to do with my life. Kinda my lifeplan or vision or something. I was very torn about this. I was immediately elated and wanted to share it with everybody, but most of me was terrified of what others would think. I shared it with a couple of folks and it kinda got poo pooed on, so that was hurtful. (I'm also one of those dorky folks who are dumb enough to think that if you think God gives you an idea, you're supposed to act on it immediately. Like, wake up one morning and it just will all happen. Not a whole lot of planning. And when that doesn't happen, then I get really confused and kinda upset. Also, I tend to follow the same pattern when I quit something. Wham, bam, finito. Again, not a whole lot of planning goes into the process and I tend to just be "finished". I think partially because I think I'm supposed to be done and also because there is some level of hurt and/or sadness involved and I'd really rather not stay in the pain for longer than I have to.)  It's been taped to my bedroom door for a year and a half now. I started to rip it off in anger a few months ago, but found myself unable to. Like I wasn't finished with it yet. It's weird, because I kinda moved past the idea of this vision/plan becoming a reality about a year ago. What church in their right mind would want to hire somebody like me, anyway? 99% of the time, I believe that He is real, but sometimes I just wonder if I'm talking to the stars. I run away from Him easily (although I almost feel as if I've quit running, made a u-turn and am heading back somewhere healthier... I would hardly call it a sprint, though.), my thoughts on theology are changing, I'm INCREDIBLY self-obsessed, I barely go to church anymore, I have issues with authority figures sometimes, I'm depressed, anxious and I don't believe He cares.  Hardly the equation for an amazing church staff. Or attendee for that matter....

Anyway, so I'm giving these back. It feels slightly freeing, and peaceful and just like the "right" thing to do on some level. Hard to explain, but I felt that I needed to share this with or for somebody... Perhaps you will find it healing too.

The Vision. The Goal.
To love others the way that Jesus loved those around Him – Extravagantly.
With intent focus on those with special needs whether they be men or women, children, teens or adults. To search out and find those around me who are called to the same heart. To implore them on how to become leaders and be adequately trained on how best to love the ones they serve.

To make a seamless transition from unaware to seeker to Jesus follower to servant in a way that still respects their needs of communication and learning. To develop a system of specifically targeting ways for individuals with special needs to become interactive in the church body; with a special emphasis on the creative arts. (i.e.: Not just a face in the crowd. The goal is not to just have these individuals with special needs to come to church – but to understand and become “the church”)

To help the immediate church body and those particular individuals with special needs understand their worth as God sees them and their gifts.

To develop relationships with those in our surrounding communities so that we as a church might understand the needs of children, teens and adults with special needs better. In turn, so that we may serve them better.

As a small part of fulfilling this mission: Have round table discussions 1x every 3 months with the above communities. Have round table discussions 1x every 6 months with surrounding churches to share ideas, concerns, etc about how we as the “Big C” church is doing in respect to involving others with special needs.

To travel to communities, churches and schools outside of the immediate Tri-State area so that I might get a fuller picture of how to best communicate and grow those I am working with.

To set a goal of the majority of this vision to be coming into fruition in 2 to 3 years.

To remember that this is not my vision – it is God’s. These are His children and this vision is simply part of a bigger plan. That this vision is no more important or less important that anyone else’s. It exists to help edify the Body.

And to remember that this will be hard. But it will be worth it because it is God’s plan, not my own. I just have to obey.
August 26th, 2009

Sunday, April 10, 2011

50 Lies That I Believe

Dear Jesus, please take this heaping pile of shit and turn it into good soil.

1. Because I am not all good, I am all bad.
2. I am too ugly and/or fat to be anyone's true friend.
3. I am worthless.
4. I am nobody.
5. I have and will always be these things.
6. Because I make a mistake or miscommunicate, this means I am an idiot and terrible at what I do.
7. I am not allowed to have good things.
8. I will always be fat.
9. Even if I wasn't fat, I will always be disgusting.
10. I make people want to throw up.
11. My friends secretly hate me.
12. I do not deserve forgiveness.
13. I deserve to be punished.
14. I am a terrible person.
15. I have or will ruin any hint of a positive relationship.
16. I deserve to be left.
17. I am not allowed to make mistakes.
18. If people really knew who I was, they would hate me.
19. I embarrass everybody.
20. I am not worth fighting for.
21. I will always be like this.
22. I would be the worst parent. My children would hate me.
23. I am not allowed to think that I am pretty.
24. I am not allowed to believe that it is a good thing that I am trying to get better.
25. I am a failure.
26. I will always be a failure.
27. I will never be the wife Isaac needs me to be.
28. Because I thrive on relationships, this means that I am broken or not strong.
29. I don't enjoy being misvalued, but I believe that I should be.
30. I will die a horrible death.
31. Jesus doesn't know who the hell I am or if he does, he's not pleased at all.
32. Because I can be bitchy, that means that I am a bitch.
33. My friends only tell me nice things because they feel bad for me, not because they mean them.
34. I am beyond forgiveness.
35. No one is to be trusted fully.
36. Because I fail at something, it makes me a failure.
37. Every neighbor looks out their window when I jog and makes fun of the lazy fat girl. And wonders why I even try.
38. I do not work hard enough.
39. If I gain a pound, it's because I enjoyed my food the day before.
40. If I allow myself a treat, I have instantly gained 7-8lbs.
41. Restaurant patrons judge me and know that I went over my Weight Watcher points for the day.
42. People think about me this much.
43. That at my truest form, I am a cross between Java the Hut, the Mucinex guy and the shade of a dull grayish cream.
44. I am less than everyone around me.
45. My husband will leave me for someone better.
46. I will never be as pretty or smart or talented or desirable as the other women.
47. Everyone instantly knows this.
48. My story is a waste.
49. I am a fool.
50. Believing anything other than these things means that I am selfish, arrogant, stupid and blind.

Monday, April 4, 2011


I took a short version (I think....) of the Riso-Hudson Enneagram a little over a year ago to find out my "type".  The results make SO much more sense now than they did a year ago... Astonishing.

My top score of 30, was a Type 2: The Helper
The Helper: The Functions of Empathy and Altruism— the potential for other-directedness, thoughtfulness for others, genuine self-sacrifice, generosity, and nurturance. Negatively, the potential for intrusiveness, possessiveness, manipulation, and self-deception.

My next highest were a 19, a Type 6: The Loyalist
The Loyalist: The Functions of Trust and Perseverance The potential for emotional bonding with others, group identification, sociability, industriousness, loyalty to others, and commitment to larger efforts. Negatively, the potential for dependency, ambivalence, rebelliousness, anxiety, and inferiority feelings.

And with just a point lower at 18, my next highest score showed me to be a Type 4: The Individualist
The Functions of Self-Awareness and Artistic Creativity— The potential for intuition, sensitivity, individualism, self-expression, and self-revelation. Negatively, the potential for self-absorption, self-consciousness, self-doubt, self-inhibition, and depression.

If you're interested, you can find your type here,

Friday, April 1, 2011

wonderments and amusements

I have a widow's peak and a ducktail. I hate both. If I wrapped my hair in a couple of Princess Leia buns and pinned them up a few inches higher, I'd look like the love child of two Disney characters.

What is the purpose of large pores? My facial pores are okay, but I have ginormous pores on my very ghostly white legs. The legs that never tan. EVER. Because of my pores, I always look like I haven't shaved.  Even when I just have. Argh.

Cassius puked up a pair of my underwear this morning. Isaac found them and cleaned it up. I asked him what pair they were. He said "gray". I said "I don't own any gray underwear." We figured he'd eaten something like that because he started puking up his food Tuesday night.

Stegman, Isaac and I watched him poop out one of my socks before. That was interesting.

I can't tell you how many pairs of underwear I've had to throw out because the dog has either eaten/puked them up or I've found him gnawing on them. Crotchless underwear aren't nearly as sexy when you know your dog made them that way.

I worked 25 hours of overtime in 5 days this week. I love, love, love my job and what I do, but I am tired, tired, tired.

I think I may have permanently demaged some relationships.

I don't want to care about church or God or a relationship with Him. But in the last few weeks a tiny little fire has begun to emerge within in. I think it's a healthy sense of justice or holy discontent or something. I would still love to believe that I can't be bothered with any of it, but I think I'm beginning to realize that that idea is impossible.

My friends Chris and Monica Human are having their Grand Opening of their new club tonight.  Check it out.  They are 2 of the most amazing, talented, wonderful people God ever created. You should take the time to get to know their hearts.

I watched somebody have a seizure yesterday and do a face plant into the pavement. There was no time to reach out and catch them, no bracing on their part. I thought they were dead for a couple of seconds. It really shook me up.

I still wonder why God allows kids to get cancer or children or young mothers to die, or miscarriages or why a tire comes loose from a truck and kills a 22 yr old on the other side of the interstate. Or why people have seizures.

I don't really want to die. Eternity scares me, even if it's supposed to be all glorious and wonderful. The never ending time thing throws me. It's quite a place to be, when you don't like who you are now, but you're not certain you'd like who you'd become.

I may add to this later, but I've got to go to work.... See ya.