Saturday, December 21, 2013


I originally posted this 2 years ago today. This has definitely been on my heart and mind lately, and I felt the need to share it again.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Dear Self

Dear Self, 

As I look back at all the pictures that are hanging on the walls at mom and dads, there's so many things that I wish I could tell you. You're not a fat cow even though you're certain that you are. You will eventually eat your way into obesity, but in those captured moments, you're not. 

It will take you a long time, but eventually you'll begin to embrace your quirkiness and randomness and just your own strange since of humor. Not everyone will be able to get it, but that's okay. 

This is really hard to believe, but eventually you will learn to love yourself. It'll start very slowly and extremely painfully, but moment by moment you'll learn to like yourself and embrace yourself and eventually just be okay with who you are. Not all of the decisions that you make will be wise ones, but hey, nobody's perfect. 

McDonald's will still be your favorite restaurant. Jeff Frankenstein of The Newsboys will get married but it won't be to you. You will find this to be appalling. 

You'll never do illegal drugs and wont smoke. You'll be pretty proud of this, though you do drink. Almost everything that you think up until your 30's that is extremely morally important, goes by the wayside. The things that last are loving others, taking care of others, taking care of yourself. 

A few short months after you graduate high school you'll develop an OCD habit where you think that you're never wearing pants. This will continue for at least the next 15 years. Everyday you will check to make sure you wearing pants. If you're really nervous or anxious you check A LOT. Rest assure, you have never actually left the house without pants on.

Grandma and Grandpa Johnson will eventually pass on. Grandpa's death will hit you the hardest. You'll find yourself doing things just to try and make him proud... You're not sure if he can see or hear you, but you kinda hope he can.

There will come in time when you just hate yourself. You'll wish that you didn't exist. Things that you thought were normal growing up, actually weren't. Things that you always believed to be true, including your theology, you will struggle with for very long time. 

You're not stupid and even though you don't have a dramatic story to tell, you learn to embrace the imperfections of life and just tell the story that you have.You'll  recognize that there's other people out there who see parts of themselves in you, just like you see parts of yourself in others. Imperfection's a good thing - it'll make you bitter and jagged, a little jaded - but that's okay, so is life. Suck it up.

If I could go back in time & tell you just one thing it would be this, love yourself. And when that seems too hard, love others. Love never fails.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

You're A Little Bit Country, I'm A Little Bit F*cked Up

couple of things that are semi important to know about me:
* I despise liars/lying. It's my #1 pet peeve.
* I believe that it's not what you do that defines you, it's who you are on the inside. (ex: I could care  less if Isaac became a potato farmer if it made him happy. His job title has nothing to do with his character and heart) ... I'm pretty stellar at believing this about other people but sorta crappy applying to myself.
* I've been told :) that I push people away. It's a fear based thing. I'll probably always be a 'wear my heart on my sleeve' sorta girl, but I'm always convinced people will leave if they knew the 'real me', so I typically try and tell the worst things about myself and/or just backpedal out of the relationship. Most times I don't realize I'm doing it until it's too late and I'm guessing that it's confusing and hurtful to others. It's probably one of my ugliest flaws.
* I love the idea of justice and things working out for the greater good. Hero wins, bad guy gets his ass kicked. I'm guessing that's why I'm so drawn to law enforcement/justice shows and comic book movies.
* I went from 'super christian' to 'I have no idea what I am' in the course of about 3-4 years. I am both deeply ashamed by this and slightly relieved. I feel like I can 'be the true me' now, but also that I've lost my community and my sense of belonging. The last 2 make me both angry and sad. Most days I feel very lost.
* It's also important to note that there wasn't this one terrible incident or person that 'wronged' me at a church. A lot of my issues stem from just pure selfishness. I thought or least assumed that if I played by whatever moral and churchy rules, that God would kinda owe me something or at best, things would just 'work out'... I think I believed Romans 8:28 a little too literally... "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 
* Anyway, so as it turns out, I'm kinda of a selfish bastard. And the more I learned about my own fallacies and inadequacies, the more I began to admit and recognize flaws in both theories and stories in the Bible. Or just even the hypocrisy in the idea that if something good happens we believe that it was God... but if something happens that we don't want to happen, it's of Satan... or worse, if something terrible happens to a person or a city we don't like... that was the sign of God's wrath. We can't have it both ways. God is not as flippant as our opinions are.
* Regardless of what I realized about myself or the questions that I had about faith, I knew I didn't want to be what I was before... which was rather judgemental and harsh. There were always things that didn't set right with my own personal belief system growing up, but it seemed so much more deep rooted now. I genuinely feel that I tried to 'come back to Jesus', but I got burned time and time again. It was just insultingly painful.
* I used to 'serve with a purpose'... and that purpose was that I felt called to do something... Now when I fight against perceived injustice and/or give of myself or whatever, it's more because it's A) partially who I am as a person and B) I feel like if there is a God, this is my way of following/honoring him.
* So whatta do when you realize you don't/can't be who you were but aren't sure of who you want to be?

Found this CS Lewis quote. Seems timely.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves