Wednesday, June 26, 2013

You're A Little Bit Country, I'm A Little Bit F*cked Up

couple of things that are semi important to know about me:
* I despise liars/lying. It's my #1 pet peeve.
* I believe that it's not what you do that defines you, it's who you are on the inside. (ex: I could care  less if Isaac became a potato farmer if it made him happy. His job title has nothing to do with his character and heart) ... I'm pretty stellar at believing this about other people but sorta crappy applying to myself.
* I've been told :) that I push people away. It's a fear based thing. I'll probably always be a 'wear my heart on my sleeve' sorta girl, but I'm always convinced people will leave if they knew the 'real me', so I typically try and tell the worst things about myself and/or just backpedal out of the relationship. Most times I don't realize I'm doing it until it's too late and I'm guessing that it's confusing and hurtful to others. It's probably one of my ugliest flaws.
* I love the idea of justice and things working out for the greater good. Hero wins, bad guy gets his ass kicked. I'm guessing that's why I'm so drawn to law enforcement/justice shows and comic book movies.
* I went from 'super christian' to 'I have no idea what I am' in the course of about 3-4 years. I am both deeply ashamed by this and slightly relieved. I feel like I can 'be the true me' now, but also that I've lost my community and my sense of belonging. The last 2 make me both angry and sad. Most days I feel very lost.
* It's also important to note that there wasn't this one terrible incident or person that 'wronged' me at a church. A lot of my issues stem from just pure selfishness. I thought or least assumed that if I played by whatever moral and churchy rules, that God would kinda owe me something or at best, things would just 'work out'... I think I believed Romans 8:28 a little too literally... "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 
* Anyway, so as it turns out, I'm kinda of a selfish bastard. And the more I learned about my own fallacies and inadequacies, the more I began to admit and recognize flaws in both theories and stories in the Bible. Or just even the hypocrisy in the idea that if something good happens we believe that it was God... but if something happens that we don't want to happen, it's of Satan... or worse, if something terrible happens to a person or a city we don't like... that was the sign of God's wrath. We can't have it both ways. God is not as flippant as our opinions are.
* Regardless of what I realized about myself or the questions that I had about faith, I knew I didn't want to be what I was before... which was rather judgemental and harsh. There were always things that didn't set right with my own personal belief system growing up, but it seemed so much more deep rooted now. I genuinely feel that I tried to 'come back to Jesus', but I got burned time and time again. It was just insultingly painful.
* I used to 'serve with a purpose'... and that purpose was that I felt called to do something... Now when I fight against perceived injustice and/or give of myself or whatever, it's more because it's A) partially who I am as a person and B) I feel like if there is a God, this is my way of following/honoring him.
* So whatta do when you realize you don't/can't be who you were but aren't sure of who you want to be?

Found this CS Lewis quote. Seems timely.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I hope you know how much God loves your heart and wants you on his team! Well, he actually doesn't need you but wants you so badly! There is so much good still to be done in His kingdom. Think back on all those times you served other people in his name in your lifetime. How great did that feel? Remember? Not that it's not great to do it for yourself but to do it for a greater purpose is just so fulfilling. I hope that the church, church people, and your own cynicism will not keep you from finding God once again and live in his wonderful presence and accept the blessings he is waiting to pour down on you. You know the basics about all of this, you just need to find a way to scrape away all of the bs that has you feeling jaded, and find the true reason that God has created you for the earth during this time.

You were created for something so much greater than you understand. Don't waste it.