Saturday, October 19, 2013

Dear Self

Dear Self, 

As I look back at all the pictures that are hanging on the walls at mom and dads, there's so many things that I wish I could tell you. You're not a fat cow even though you're certain that you are. You will eventually eat your way into obesity, but in those captured moments, you're not. 

It will take you a long time, but eventually you'll begin to embrace your quirkiness and randomness and just your own strange since of humor. Not everyone will be able to get it, but that's okay. 

This is really hard to believe, but eventually you will learn to love yourself. It'll start very slowly and extremely painfully, but moment by moment you'll learn to like yourself and embrace yourself and eventually just be okay with who you are. Not all of the decisions that you make will be wise ones, but hey, nobody's perfect. 

McDonald's will still be your favorite restaurant. Jeff Frankenstein of The Newsboys will get married but it won't be to you. You will find this to be appalling. 

You'll never do illegal drugs and wont smoke. You'll be pretty proud of this, though you do drink. Almost everything that you think up until your 30's that is extremely morally important, goes by the wayside. The things that last are loving others, taking care of others, taking care of yourself. 

A few short months after you graduate high school you'll develop an OCD habit where you think that you're never wearing pants. This will continue for at least the next 15 years. Everyday you will check to make sure you wearing pants. If you're really nervous or anxious you check A LOT. Rest assure, you have never actually left the house without pants on.

Grandma and Grandpa Johnson will eventually pass on. Grandpa's death will hit you the hardest. You'll find yourself doing things just to try and make him proud... You're not sure if he can see or hear you, but you kinda hope he can.

There will come in time when you just hate yourself. You'll wish that you didn't exist. Things that you thought were normal growing up, actually weren't. Things that you always believed to be true, including your theology, you will struggle with for very long time. 

You're not stupid and even though you don't have a dramatic story to tell, you learn to embrace the imperfections of life and just tell the story that you have.You'll  recognize that there's other people out there who see parts of themselves in you, just like you see parts of yourself in others. Imperfection's a good thing - it'll make you bitter and jagged, a little jaded - but that's okay, so is life. Suck it up.

If I could go back in time & tell you just one thing it would be this, love yourself. And when that seems too hard, love others. Love never fails.