There's Something Wrong With This Picture

Everybody has pet peeves. Some are silly nuances and some are legit. I have one that has flustered me since I was a kid - when churches block out the community. Example A: the church I belonged to as a child took down basketball hoops because the neighborhood kids kept playing on them and "tearing them up". Example B: Another church I used to belong to had signs in their parking lot prohibiting skateboarding.

Isaac and I passed a church sign on Monday that just lit me up. I actually drove the 45 minutes back down to Florence yesterday to take a picture of it to make sure that it actually said what I thought it did. And then I wrote an e-mail to the pastor. I honestly tried to do it in love and actually use some form of tact. I think I succeeded.

There's just so many things wrong with the whole mindset. It seems very "us against them". If there's an empty lot, why can't people park there? Why can't folks skateboard or shoot hoops? Why do we thank God for 'all He's given us', only to hoard it? In my opinion, you can have as many "Friend Days" and Revivals as you want, but if you're selective about who you invite in, then what's the point?

All that comes to mind when I see signs like that is, "You're not welcome here." How content are we to come to a building, give testimonies and praise an invisible God? A God who we like to mold into a neat little package so He fits our every need. Don't like music when you worship? We've got that covered. Think the idea of speaking in tongues is a little too cutting edge? No problem. Worried your best friend's amazing legs and short stylish haircut might make your husband lust? Cover 'em up and grow it out. Feel the need to dress up every time you go to church? Check. Hate the idea of dressing up and think that the other guys have it all wrong? Got those churches too. Afraid to have a real discussion about alcohol? Ban it. Talk about hell and sinning a lot. (And whatever you do, don't teach on John 2!) And yes Pastor, I'd love to meet you at KFC for a couple of Double Down sandwiches after the service.

It seems so often we're all about come to us, come to our special event, let me tell you what I believe... It seems so rarely that we focus on go, go, go. Wasn't that the Great Commission?

It's not that I think that going to a "church" is bad - I don't. At all. I get irate when we think that it was created for our preferences. When did church become about us, anyway?


The whole congregation of believers was united as one—one heart, one mind! They didn't even claim ownership of their own possessions. No one said, "That's mine; you can't have it." They shared everything. The apostles gave powerful witness to the resurrection of the Master Jesus, and grace was on all of them.


And so it turned out that not a person among them was needy. Those who owned fields or houses sold them and brought the price of the sale to the apostles and made an offering of it. The apostles then distributed it according to each person's need. (Taken from The Message, Acts 4: 32-35)

ramblings

it's 2am. I should be in bed. but I am not. I'm on the computer using poor punctuation and spelling and grammatical errors out the ying yang. in other words, nothing too out of the ordinary.

I think I'll go jogging with cassius in the morning.

I'm no longer considered obese. Now I'm just good 'ol fashioned fat. I have 31 more lbs to lose before I would be considered healthy. It seems far away. 

My friend gave me a real hug. and he didn't say anything about my chest. I nearly fainted.

I wonder a lot if it's normal or healthy or sane or just stupid to care about and love the people in my life the way that I do.

I still can't figure out how to write about my grandfather's passing. But I miss him so much. he was the only grandfather that I remember or knew cared about me.

I never realized how selfish I was until I got married. holy cow.

something interesting happened on Sunday. I had perfectly laid out plans to be lazy all day, but I couldn't sleep, went for a jog and then decided that I was too sweaty and awake at this point to go back to bed, so I went to church. it was the first week of the open series. or maybe the 2nd. I don't know. I don't really go anymore. Anyway, wanted to leap out of my skin, it was so nerve wracking. considered leaving,but got blocked in. then about 10 mins into Dave's talk, I noticed a mother and her son get up and leave. The son has some form of special need and his behavior embarrassed the mom. She appeared angry, but I know she was embarrassed, because that's the way I react when I get embarrassed. I instantly felt for her and chased them down the hallway : ) Long story short, I connected them with The Circle (service at vcc for folks with all forms of special needs) and was delighted that they took my invite to let me introduce them to the leaders. (the circle only meets at the 10:30am service on Sundays and I just happened to show up to the 10:30am VCC service) I could overhear the mother stating all of the reasons why her son would be a distraction or wouldn't fit in. They rolled off her tongue like it was something she's had to explain for the past 2 decades. several times she looked at me and mouthed "thank you" with tears in her eyes. I missed the service, but I went to church. I cannot explain the delight that rippled thru my veins. If you read my last post, you would see why this was is such a strange, yet warm feeling. I caught a glimpse of what redemptive stories are about. Definitely for the mom. Maybe for myself. maybe. My best laid plans were laid to waste Sunday morning, but something else much greater came over. I cannot fully explain this. But it's exciting. But if I talk about it too much, I'll probably get all funky and moody, cause I'm awesome like that.

okay, I had more to say, but it's almost 2:30am and I need to brush my teeth and go to bed. Night, y'all.

Man, my punctuation and grammar really do suck. You'd never believe I was a Communications major, would you? I KNOW how to communicate properly, electronic blogs and mail has just given me a reason to be super, super lazy.

oh george michael, where art thou?

it's not so much that I've lost my faith, I think I'm just redefining it.

in my past history with church, I tend to get really excited after becoming involved in a particular ministry and then after a series of failures (not telling you where your tithing is going, poor leadership, fakeness, focusing solely on politics and catering to those with perceived money, pastors finding their sermons online instead of doing the work themselves, finding out the leadership are arrogant jerks - or just dare I say human?), I leave and wallow and then find a new place to worship - but never feeling completely at home - and the cycle begins again. I believe it primarily happens for two reasons: 1) I burn out fairly quickly. Apparently, it's part of being a Disseminator. You get very excited and get people on board, you believe in the mission, but you have trouble finishing things out. 2) I place very heavy emphasis on relationships and people. I think I used to get sincere respect for leadership and putting said leadership on a pedestal, mixed up. It just got all hairy, because whenever someone got knocked off this high and mighty mountain where I had placed them in my mind, I couldn't really deal with that. Sometimes I would equate church problems with problems with religion. (i have tried to make strides in recent years to amend my flawed thinking. While I don't think I lean so heavily on the pastor/leadership on a pedestal, I still need to work on the respect thing...) 

but this past year has felt different. I essentially went from being moderately involved at the vineyard, to nothing. I came to a place where it just wasn't smart for me to be in leadership, even on a very small scale. I don't regret that decision. And while I don't agree with every decision leadership makes at the vineyard, and maybe even some decisions anger me (I think that's probably normal to some degree?) I don't actually have a problem with the leadership. I'm not angry with anyone at church, I think they do some amazing things and honestly seek out what God is calling them to do. I'm proud of my friends and their authenticity. It just genuinely pains me to be a part of a church right now. For a while I continued to go, either to please others or just because I thought I would eventually get out of this church funk (again, I'm not frustrated at leadership like in the previous experiences).  But I never did. And it just continued to get worse. This probably won't make sense, but I cannot adequately explain the deep seeded pain that flourishes when one of my old friends/ministry partners/whoever comes up and talks to me. (this isn't about being angry or upset at anyone. The actual building does not bother me, it's the people that fill it. They remind me of someone who I used to be. Happy and content. On a mission. With a purpose.) There is deep, deep pain. When someone calls and leaves a voicemail asking if I want to be involved in something I was totally into 12-16 months ago, I forget to return their phone call for days, because I try and block it out. Eventually, I remember and send a text instead. I've asked to be taken off e-mail lists, but I keep getting them somehow. I don't even read them anymore, I just hit delete.

it's just very different now. Where there was once joy, there is deep sorrow. I think back on all of the times that I was so excited about an idea or a ministry or just Jesus, and I feel ashamed. Foolish is really the best word. Everything I have ever done in the name of Jesus or for his sake seems foolish. There are a few sacred folks who are what I would consider to be "safe".  I've realized lately that I tend to pop in on said folks when I'm needing to feel safe. And on a really good and rare day, I believe that they love me.

it's not that I don't believe in God anymore. I still pray on occasion, even though when I do, everything inside me wants to scream that I'm doing something wrong, or at least something I don't really believe in or understand fully. My core beliefs never really changed. I still believe that God created the universe (although I don't really give a rat's ass whether it was in 6 literal days or 6 million years. Or if Adam got bucked off of a dinosaur. Who cares? He created it. Deal with it), that we as a human race are really screwed up, and that Jesus literally died on a cross because we as a people needed a perfect sacrifice to suck up all our shittiness. That three days later he literally rose from the dead and that he will return. That he wasn't just some nice dude, that he wasn't just a prophet, that he is part of the Trinity and that there will be no others added to that. I believe that there will be a New Heaven and a New Earth as promised, but I don't really get what that's gonna look like. (and to be honest, it's pretty far down on the list of things that I really ponder over) Eternity scares me because I cannot fathom what that even looks like. I believe that we as Christ followers are called to give away a little bit of what we believe God has provided (although I continually wrestle with whether that must go to a local church or just doing God's work. I have church money issues. I always will).  That we're called to be more than a seat filler, we are called to serve others, and not for some trophy or recognition, but because I think Jesus tangibly showed creation the way to serve and then called us to do the same. These are things that I have believed and built upon for 31 years. I really wrestled with some of them in my early to mid teenage years, but I feel rather secure in these core beliefs now.

okay, so here's what I think my problem is. The cause of my great sorrow... (Please bare with me, as I've been fleshing this thing out for a while, and could be wrong or simply only partially right.) It's not that I don't believe in God, I simply have trouble believing in a god who created me in his image. It's fairly easy for me to see God moving in the lives of my friends. To see the life and truth of a living god in their breath and movement and talents. I cannot see that in myself. I think I spent so many years serving a god that I believed existed, but not convinced that he wanted me. I think I did things because they got me excited or because I could see the good they would do or because I believed I was supposed to. The later is probably the most dangerous. There's a fine line between doing something because you're told to, (ie: parent telling you not to touch the hot stove. they love you enough to not want to see you get hurt) and doing something because at your core, you believe it to be true. I spent so many years trying to please a god who I believed saved me from eternal separation from him, but who I have never really believed loved me. Or really, even liked me. How could I honestly keep serving someone who I think barely even knows or just cares that I exist? How could I keep singing worship songs to a creator who messed me up and is probably disgusted by me? It is a painful place when you realize that what you have silently feared for most of your life becomes a reality. Even if it's just your reality.

i'm tired. Exhausted, really. I'm tired of sitting in church and listening and trying to act out something because I believe I'm supposed to. I think I've viewed God as my silent business partner for years. I  know all of the right things to say and do. I know there's more to faith than crazy skits, big productions, wacky youth leaders, a "cool" pastor, attendance numbers and the building that you sit in. I just want to rest for a while and figure some stuff out. I can't continue on this path. I need to re-define who I am to me and who I am to Jesus.

and lastly, to anyone who I have hurt in the past; to anyone who was weary and I didn't get it; to anyone who just needed time to flesh some things out and I didn't allow for it; to anyone who I acted like I had it all together around - I am so sorry. I am terribly sorry if I hurt you. Please forgive me.

there. Glad I got that out, it's been brewing inside me for about 6 months now...

I'm not sure what to name this post

I typically say what's on my mind. People tell me they appreciate this, until of course, I say something they don't agree with or worse yet, I say something rude and very hurtful.

I feel like a blog should be to some degree, freeing. An online journal where you can openly express what  you're going thru. The good, the bad, the ugly (maybe still saving some of the really ugly stuff for the closest friends).  A place to speak your mind, but not necessarily bash.

However, for various reasons, I feel like I can't do that. It's not like it's somebody's fault or something, I just won't/can't do it. At least, not 100% of what I'm going through on any given day. But I am going to start blogging a bit more for me. I've always had that bent anyway, but maybe a bit more so now....

Okay, probably about 75% of you quit reading by now, so that's okay. It was getting a bit tedious anyway. Oh, and one more thing, since I'm blogging more for me, I will occasionally curse a bit more.  I already curse horribly in person, so whatever. If that offends you wildly, then you probably shouldn't keep reading my blog. If it's that big of a deal, then you probably weren't reading this to hear what I was saying anyway.

I sound like I'm super negative today. I'm not. I'm just trying to lay out some stuff.

For lots of reasons, I started eating healthier again. I got a trainer at the gym, started working out 5x a week and some other stuff. In 21 days, I've lost 13.4 lbs.  I'm having a good day today, so I'm choosing to celebrate this victory. 

Food has been an issue for me for years. I've said it before on here; I'm an emotional eater. And the richer, sweeter, saltier it is, the better. So not only do I eat compulsively, but I eat terrible things, too. The few times that I have decided to eat better, my brain sabotages me. It tells me that I shouldn't be eating anything at all. That food is the enemy. The logical side of my brain will then kick in and remind me that it's not food that's the problem, it's the poor choices I make with food... Anyway, it becomes a very ugly battle some days. No one should ever feel guilty over eating a salad or a healthy sandwich or wrap, but I do. Not all the time, but frequently. It's beyond frustrating. 

Isaac allowing me to get a trainer (at a reduced price- which btw, is still bloody expensive) has been remarkable. I meet with her once a week, and I do some of the craziest, hardest exercises, but I feel great about myself afterwards. Throughout the rest of the week, I rotate around the gym with things that I work on. Usually, it's a mix of resistance training (30-50 mins) followed by cardio (around 20-30 mins). I have HORRIBLE balance, but I did stand on the balance ball today for 5 minutes, so that felt like something.  Having somebody to encourage me and knowing that I have to answer to them for a year has helped keep me motivated. Plus, there's nothing like leaving the gym dripping with sweat, knowing that I kicked major ass for 60-85 minutes. After a really good workout or if I know I have to go somewhere afterwards, I make myself a smoothie. I mix about a cup of plain fat free yogurt with a scoop of protein, dry oatmeal, a little bit of frozen fruit, usually some fresh fruit, one packet of Emergen-C, frozen cranberries, and today I threw in some spinach and broccoli. It turns out pretty big and since it's naturally sweet, my brain thinks that I'm getting a treat. Sometimes it's fun tricking myself. It  also fills me up, so it takes the place of meal.

Typically I do my cardio in the movie room. That stupid place is a godsend. There's black light's everywhere, so portions of you glow, but for the most part, you're unseen. Plus, nobody's really looking at you anyway, they're watching the movie.

I am a little nervous about when the excitement of working out dulls. As a general theme in my life, I lack the ability to see very far down the road. It's genuinely difficult for me to "dream" or at least envision myself very far into the future. I have never been able to imagine myself growing old. Even planning 2 years down the road is nearly impossible. So it's also very improbable that I would be able to "see" or imagine what I would look like if I dropped x amount of weight. Not having any goals or dreams is hard. Sorta makes things bleak. I guess I'm just saying that I'm not too sure what I'm working towards weight wise. I guess I'm attempting to lose it for my own personal satisfaction, however that's the curse. No matter how much weight I lose, I will never be satisfied with the way that I look. Or sound. Or my walk. Or anything. I could lose weight, but I can't really change all of me.

I don't know, I'm rambling at this point. I will say this, just so I don't end on a sour note..... I got my first review at my job last week (I work with adults with developmental delays) and it was rather stellar. Apparently, most people's first reviews aren't scored that high, so that made me feel kinda worthy or at least respected or appreciated to a degree. It was a nice surprise to say the least.

20 Other Things You Never Cared To Know...

Here's a bunch of other crap you never wanted to know about me:

I only have 1 biological cousin.

I really miss my 20's. A lot more than I thought I ever would. Oh God, I miss my 20's.

Sally Hansen Insta Dry Nail Polish is ah-mazing.

I think I pass gas more than the average gal. But most women pretend like they don't fart unless it's a pre-cursor to diarrhea. So I don't really have anyway to judge. However, my gas is nothing like my dog's. His will melt your face off.

I love my neighborhood, but I'm rather bummed that I live 30 some-odd minutes away from most of my friends. Boo.

At some point during the last few years, I lost the ability to spell. And I leave words out of sentences. My texts seem to have morphed into a guessing game. Oh how I my twenties.... See what I did there?

Isaac and I are watching Mike Birbiglia on Netflix right now. He's making it very, very hard to concentrate.

I own an orange Clemson Tigers hat. I think that's college football, maybe? I honestly don't care who they are, Isaac bought it for $4 in Myrtle Beach last October so he wouldn't fry his head. And then I stole it from him. I wear it A LOT. I think it's cute. I also pretend it matches everything. Purple, Red, other shades of Orange.... I know my friends make fun of me for it. Actually, probably everybody makes fun of me, my friends are just willing to do it to my face : )

I have always been sloppy. The night before my college graduation I was leaping over piles of stuff on the floor so I could get from my bed to my desk, which were only about 5 ft apart.... I was leaping like a lord in my graduation dress shoes... well, I should also tell you that I can't really leap, and I have NO sense of balance. None. Zero. Zilch. Anyway, back to my leaping... I misjudged my 2nd leap and landed on my back in an array of 4 yr old syllabus', misplaced homework, $300 books that the bookstore now said where worth $5 and clothes.... I thought I sprained my ankle for a hot second... anyway, so I used to be really messy. Now I'm just sorta sloppy. That's what that story was about. And no, you can never get those 5 mins back again.

I luh-uved The New Mickey Mouse Club when I was younger. I used to practice their entrance in the mirror. A LOT.

One summer I worked at The Discovery Channel warehouse. I secretly prayed over the Buddha figurines and children's Wichan "How-To" books. I knew it was stupid then and I know it's stupid now. But I still kinda don't feel that bad about it.

When my dog pants heavily, his wee wee jiggles. It makes me laugh. Just typing this made me giggle.

Isaac just told a joke using the phrase, "choking the chicken". And then he told me what choking a "chicken" means. omg. OMG.

One winter, about 11 years ago, I worked at the Olive Garden in Florence y'all. One afternoon I went into the women's bathroom and realized that someone had puked what looked to be, an entire garden salad all over the stall. I'm talking the toilet seat, all 3 walls, floor, the works.  For years I told the story of the day somebody 'tossed their salad' in the Olive Garden bathroom. Only about 3 years ago did anybody inform me of what that actually meant. You know, for growing up and hanging out with the drum line and having a ton of guy friends, I feel like I got a little left out of the loop. Somebody should start filling me in on these things. Fo realises.

I really like this dog. I am uncertain of what his feelings are for me, but I dig him.

This is my friend Sean. He's always amusing, but sometimes he's just hilarious. Like pee-your-pants funny. And he has a fantastic sock collection.










I mildly manage a comedy troupe. I simply adore those boys.

Do you have that one piece of furniture in your house that is very simple, but you just love it for no real reason? When we moved into our house, the living room had the ugliest ceiling fan.The lamp covering was an off white porcelain creation with what appeared to be a college graduation tassel attached to it. Thanks to the Home Depot and my father-in-law, it has been replaced with a beautifully simple and elegant black ceiling fan. It's something I use everyday. And I heart it. And apparently, I have no pictures of the said fan. dang it.

There is no bad time for ice cream.

I really miss my grandpa.

Update #2

Click here if you're still interested reading about my journeys thru Nigeria...

Click here if you're not : )

Africa

It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since Isaac and I set foot in American soil after spending 9 days in Nigeria. Instead of bombarding folks with info and pictures, I've decided to try and break each day up into a blog entry. Disclaimer - The first one is pretty boring, mainly because it deals with the flight and the few short hours we were in Abuja. 97% of which was spent sleeping : )

You can follow the blog here.