I'm not sure what to name this post

I typically say what's on my mind. People tell me they appreciate this, until of course, I say something they don't agree with or worse yet, I say something rude and very hurtful.

I feel like a blog should be to some degree, freeing. An online journal where you can openly express what  you're going thru. The good, the bad, the ugly (maybe still saving some of the really ugly stuff for the closest friends).  A place to speak your mind, but not necessarily bash.

However, for various reasons, I feel like I can't do that. It's not like it's somebody's fault or something, I just won't/can't do it. At least, not 100% of what I'm going through on any given day. But I am going to start blogging a bit more for me. I've always had that bent anyway, but maybe a bit more so now....

Okay, probably about 75% of you quit reading by now, so that's okay. It was getting a bit tedious anyway. Oh, and one more thing, since I'm blogging more for me, I will occasionally curse a bit more.  I already curse horribly in person, so whatever. If that offends you wildly, then you probably shouldn't keep reading my blog. If it's that big of a deal, then you probably weren't reading this to hear what I was saying anyway.

I sound like I'm super negative today. I'm not. I'm just trying to lay out some stuff.

For lots of reasons, I started eating healthier again. I got a trainer at the gym, started working out 5x a week and some other stuff. In 21 days, I've lost 13.4 lbs.  I'm having a good day today, so I'm choosing to celebrate this victory. 

Food has been an issue for me for years. I've said it before on here; I'm an emotional eater. And the richer, sweeter, saltier it is, the better. So not only do I eat compulsively, but I eat terrible things, too. The few times that I have decided to eat better, my brain sabotages me. It tells me that I shouldn't be eating anything at all. That food is the enemy. The logical side of my brain will then kick in and remind me that it's not food that's the problem, it's the poor choices I make with food... Anyway, it becomes a very ugly battle some days. No one should ever feel guilty over eating a salad or a healthy sandwich or wrap, but I do. Not all the time, but frequently. It's beyond frustrating. 

Isaac allowing me to get a trainer (at a reduced price- which btw, is still bloody expensive) has been remarkable. I meet with her once a week, and I do some of the craziest, hardest exercises, but I feel great about myself afterwards. Throughout the rest of the week, I rotate around the gym with things that I work on. Usually, it's a mix of resistance training (30-50 mins) followed by cardio (around 20-30 mins). I have HORRIBLE balance, but I did stand on the balance ball today for 5 minutes, so that felt like something.  Having somebody to encourage me and knowing that I have to answer to them for a year has helped keep me motivated. Plus, there's nothing like leaving the gym dripping with sweat, knowing that I kicked major ass for 60-85 minutes. After a really good workout or if I know I have to go somewhere afterwards, I make myself a smoothie. I mix about a cup of plain fat free yogurt with a scoop of protein, dry oatmeal, a little bit of frozen fruit, usually some fresh fruit, one packet of Emergen-C, frozen cranberries, and today I threw in some spinach and broccoli. It turns out pretty big and since it's naturally sweet, my brain thinks that I'm getting a treat. Sometimes it's fun tricking myself. It  also fills me up, so it takes the place of meal.

Typically I do my cardio in the movie room. That stupid place is a godsend. There's black light's everywhere, so portions of you glow, but for the most part, you're unseen. Plus, nobody's really looking at you anyway, they're watching the movie.

I am a little nervous about when the excitement of working out dulls. As a general theme in my life, I lack the ability to see very far down the road. It's genuinely difficult for me to "dream" or at least envision myself very far into the future. I have never been able to imagine myself growing old. Even planning 2 years down the road is nearly impossible. So it's also very improbable that I would be able to "see" or imagine what I would look like if I dropped x amount of weight. Not having any goals or dreams is hard. Sorta makes things bleak. I guess I'm just saying that I'm not too sure what I'm working towards weight wise. I guess I'm attempting to lose it for my own personal satisfaction, however that's the curse. No matter how much weight I lose, I will never be satisfied with the way that I look. Or sound. Or my walk. Or anything. I could lose weight, but I can't really change all of me.

I don't know, I'm rambling at this point. I will say this, just so I don't end on a sour note..... I got my first review at my job last week (I work with adults with developmental delays) and it was rather stellar. Apparently, most people's first reviews aren't scored that high, so that made me feel kinda worthy or at least respected or appreciated to a degree. It was a nice surprise to say the least.

20 Other Things You Never Cared To Know...

Here's a bunch of other crap you never wanted to know about me:

I only have 1 biological cousin.

I really miss my 20's. A lot more than I thought I ever would. Oh God, I miss my 20's.

Sally Hansen Insta Dry Nail Polish is ah-mazing.

I think I pass gas more than the average gal. But most women pretend like they don't fart unless it's a pre-cursor to diarrhea. So I don't really have anyway to judge. However, my gas is nothing like my dog's. His will melt your face off.

I love my neighborhood, but I'm rather bummed that I live 30 some-odd minutes away from most of my friends. Boo.

At some point during the last few years, I lost the ability to spell. And I leave words out of sentences. My texts seem to have morphed into a guessing game. Oh how I my twenties.... See what I did there?

Isaac and I are watching Mike Birbiglia on Netflix right now. He's making it very, very hard to concentrate.

I own an orange Clemson Tigers hat. I think that's college football, maybe? I honestly don't care who they are, Isaac bought it for $4 in Myrtle Beach last October so he wouldn't fry his head. And then I stole it from him. I wear it A LOT. I think it's cute. I also pretend it matches everything. Purple, Red, other shades of Orange.... I know my friends make fun of me for it. Actually, probably everybody makes fun of me, my friends are just willing to do it to my face : )

I have always been sloppy. The night before my college graduation I was leaping over piles of stuff on the floor so I could get from my bed to my desk, which were only about 5 ft apart.... I was leaping like a lord in my graduation dress shoes... well, I should also tell you that I can't really leap, and I have NO sense of balance. None. Zero. Zilch. Anyway, back to my leaping... I misjudged my 2nd leap and landed on my back in an array of 4 yr old syllabus', misplaced homework, $300 books that the bookstore now said where worth $5 and clothes.... I thought I sprained my ankle for a hot second... anyway, so I used to be really messy. Now I'm just sorta sloppy. That's what that story was about. And no, you can never get those 5 mins back again.

I luh-uved The New Mickey Mouse Club when I was younger. I used to practice their entrance in the mirror. A LOT.

One summer I worked at The Discovery Channel warehouse. I secretly prayed over the Buddha figurines and children's Wichan "How-To" books. I knew it was stupid then and I know it's stupid now. But I still kinda don't feel that bad about it.

When my dog pants heavily, his wee wee jiggles. It makes me laugh. Just typing this made me giggle.

Isaac just told a joke using the phrase, "choking the chicken". And then he told me what choking a "chicken" means. omg. OMG.

One winter, about 11 years ago, I worked at the Olive Garden in Florence y'all. One afternoon I went into the women's bathroom and realized that someone had puked what looked to be, an entire garden salad all over the stall. I'm talking the toilet seat, all 3 walls, floor, the works.  For years I told the story of the day somebody 'tossed their salad' in the Olive Garden bathroom. Only about 3 years ago did anybody inform me of what that actually meant. You know, for growing up and hanging out with the drum line and having a ton of guy friends, I feel like I got a little left out of the loop. Somebody should start filling me in on these things. Fo realises.

I really like this dog. I am uncertain of what his feelings are for me, but I dig him.

This is my friend Sean. He's always amusing, but sometimes he's just hilarious. Like pee-your-pants funny. And he has a fantastic sock collection.










I mildly manage a comedy troupe. I simply adore those boys.

Do you have that one piece of furniture in your house that is very simple, but you just love it for no real reason? When we moved into our house, the living room had the ugliest ceiling fan.The lamp covering was an off white porcelain creation with what appeared to be a college graduation tassel attached to it. Thanks to the Home Depot and my father-in-law, it has been replaced with a beautifully simple and elegant black ceiling fan. It's something I use everyday. And I heart it. And apparently, I have no pictures of the said fan. dang it.

There is no bad time for ice cream.

I really miss my grandpa.

Update #2

Click here if you're still interested reading about my journeys thru Nigeria...

Click here if you're not : )

Africa

It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since Isaac and I set foot in American soil after spending 9 days in Nigeria. Instead of bombarding folks with info and pictures, I've decided to try and break each day up into a blog entry. Disclaimer - The first one is pretty boring, mainly because it deals with the flight and the few short hours we were in Abuja. 97% of which was spent sleeping : )

You can follow the blog here.

what the hey hey is wrong with a hug?

I love hugs. I love to give them. I love to receive them. To me, a hug exemplifies the characteristics of the best of the human race. It knows no language barrier. It can console, express gratitude, love, lust, friendship, mend broken relationships and is the simplest way to say "I'm glad you're in my life" or "I've missed you" -  even if you just saw them that morning. A hug can say so much, without ever having said a word.

However, something seems to happen to hugs once a person enters into marriage. I am uncertain of it's origin or what seems to break in a man's mind, but something overpowers a male's sense of reality and logic in the hug-giving realm. Let me give you an example.

I have a good guy friend that I have known for years and years. I knew this person before they got married and have been good friends with their wife for ages. We used to hug all of the time. Like, full on hugs. Nothing was weird about it. I didn't think, "Hey, he's single, I'm single, I bet this hug means something..." I took it for what it was - an expression of our friendship. But suddenly, after my friends got married, there were no more legit hugs. I would go in for one, only to be swooped to the side for the dreaded side hug.  Nothing says "oh, you're awkward" more than the side hug. I hate them. But worst of all, when I inquired about the sudden dissing of our friendship hugs, I was told it was because of my chest. WHAT?!?!?!?! WHAAAAA?!?!?!?! Seriously?????? The chest that I've had for almost 2 decades, the one that did not develop the moment you said your "I do's".  UGH.  And then I began to see it - the paradigm was shifting between good friends who were now married. It seems that everywhere I looked, a secret man-code had been exchanged.

Back when we were all single, I never thought that giving any of my guy friends a hug was something dirty. So why is it now that we're married? I have good guy friends, I mean good friends, some of whom I would consider to be like family, who will not give me a real hug. It's depressing. When I hug my girl friends, I never think, 'hmm, I wonder if they're a lesbian?"  So why should it be any different with a man? Because honestly, the way that I hug Isaac is TOTALLY different than the way I hug anyone else. It lingers. I smell his shirt, I kiss his neck. He holds me.

The downfall of the American "real hug" has seriously has been bugging me for years. I've been wanting to write about it for months. To be able to freely say that there is nothing wrong with me or my chest. In lieu of my annoyances with my guy friends, I've created a short list of weird hugs that exist. So just man-up and give me a real hug, dang it.


* The Rodeo- This refers to one of the many hugs that you don't ever see coming. Here's how it works- you're on your way into another room, you're brushing past people when suddenly, in one swift pivoting motion, an arm becomes interlocked with your Adam's Apple and your back is thrust into the rib cage of of one of your closest man buddies. Very similar to the way police men catch alligators on Discovery Channel or the way animal control captures stray dogs. It's like a backwards real hug. It's confusing, but somehow you're still thankful for it.
* Shaken, Not Stirred- This is a creepy kind of hug. Could be instigated by a man or women. It's a full on hug, but with a death grip and lots of bouncing and/or shaking. It's like being stuck in the blender of all hugs. It's awkward and you want a drink afterwards.
* Humpty Dump- You see this a lot at sporting arenas. Typically occurs after a big win. Grown men will run and literally leap with all of their nasty sweatiness onto another man's back or neck. Sometimes even their chest. It all simply depends on the way the person is facing. It's a domino effect, with the whole team soon joining into this celebration with loud cheers and eventually jumping. It's a weird entanglement of hormones and Leap Frog and Tone Loc and Barrel of Monkeys. Usually followed by showering together.
* Side Hug- The deceiver of all hugs. It says, "I like you, but I don't want my wife to see me hugging you". Can be done as a pass by, a swift motion that leaves the hugged stunned for a moment, since they were unaware it was even coming. I consider this to be the most insulting hug, since it seems to say that a real hug would mean something dirty.
* Oops, I Did It Again Hug- Typically occurs at large family functions or reunions of sorts. You're passing out hugs like candy to a fat kid, when you realize in your moment of bliss, you hugged the one person you can't stand. Could be similar to flipping off your Grandma, you're not sure how to take it back.
* Pillow Talk- When someone of short stature walks up to you and buries their head in your chest multiple times until they find a comfortable spot. Had this happen to me recently. A-W-K-W-A-R-D.
* The County Fair- You've seen this technique at fairgrounds when individuals leap after pigs and goats in order to capture them. Most frequently found at large parties when someone comes from behind, captures you, covers your eyes and yells, "Guess Wwwwwwhhhhhhhhhooooo??????"
* Karaoke Choke Hold- Could also be referred to as the Drunk Chic Hug. Usually happens after one of more people become inebriated and decide that singing old '80's hits into a microphone will cure their ill. Upon completion of song or songs, one arm is swung from behind and wrapped across an unsuspecting friend's neck. Must be followed by a white-knuckle choke hold on the person and a good shake-down. May or may not be followed by a kiss on the cheek and one or more, "I love you man(s)".

leaving on a jet plane....

Tomorrow Isaac and I are boarding several planes on our way to Nigeria. If you don't have any idea on what I'm talking about, just click here and maybe it'll help clarify a bit.

For those of you who are interested in following our journey while we're there, check out this blog. I don't know exactly how often it'll be updated by the leaders, but well, here ya go.

Wish us well.

tiny little update

Just a tiny little update from my other blog.