selfish moment

Most of you know that my Grandma Johnson hasn't been doing so hot since last April. Early stages of Alzheimer's and Dementia.

I haven't been able to see Grandma in a while so I've called a couple of times in the past weeks. When I called tonight I talked to Grandpa for a while (which is rare - he ususally gets off the phone quickly - but there had been a problem with one of the aides today) and at the end of the conversation, Grandpa asked me to hold on while he got Grandma on the phone.

I'm guessing he set the phone down, but I heard the whole conversation he had with Grandma. Basically, he said that Jennifer was on the phone (she no longer recoginizes me as 'Jenny') and Grandma asked who that was. Grandpa explained that I was their grandaughter.... She just really didn't want to talk on the phone. Sometimes she gets angry or frustrated easily, which is part of the disease, and I could hear it in her voice. Again, Grandpa asked her to just to talk for a second on the phone to me, etc. And again, she asked who Jennifer was. He again explained that I was there Grandaughter and that I was Winnie's daughter. She picked up but I could tell that she had no idea who I was. So I just said "Hello, Grandma. This is Jennifer, your grandaughter." We both asked how the other was at the same time. I said I was good and then she said that it was nice of me to call. End of conversation.

These 2 diseases just seem to be devestating. There are definite good moments, but it seems that the person you've known for so long is slipping away. And for their sake, you have to pretend that you don't notice. And honestly, nobody has it harder that my Grandma. How scary for her. And my Grandpa Johnson and my mom work endless to take care of her. They and other members of my family get the majority of the stress and have to deal with it everyday.

Here's my selfish moment - sometimes I get really upset that she doesn't remember me. Most times it's okay. I live the farthest away from her and I don't see her as much. And she tries to remember me. She does. Sometimes she thinks I'm her cousin or sometimes I'm her daughter. And sometimes she just gives me a blank stare. But there are the times when she knows who I am and we talk like we used to. Funny thing is, she always remembers who Isaac is. Go figure.

But as selfish as it sounds, I just don't want my grandma to forget me. It's not that I've done something so great in life, it's just that she's my grandma. And I want me to remember me.

Some days are just harder than others. There. Hopefully I'll quit balling now.