Several years ago I was one of group of rotating emcees at a local music venue. I've always been a very outgoing person, but this volunteer position sent me into a downward spiral. I began experiencing what felt like mini panic attacks or just a heavy dose of anxiety, even if I wasn't at the venue. The worst time was about 2 or 3years ago I broke down at Cyclones game for absolutely no reason. It just got too loud and there were too many people.

Eventually I quit the emceeing gig and it helped calm the attacks. Every once in a blue moon, they'll sneak back up on me. I was so looking forward to tonight. As soon as a I started looking up the stairs to go to my seat, it hit me. Thought I was going to get sick for the 1st half of the game. I had trouble looking backwards. There were a lot of people and a lot of noise. It's so insanely frustrating though. When the anxiety hits, the anger follows. Maybe because I feel like I've lost control of the situation???? I have no desire to speak with anyone. I just want to leave. Or crawl out of my skin.

I hate feeling this way.

Lead Me - Sanctus Real

Music has always played a huge role in my life. It impacts me in ways that simply nothing else can. Over the past year or two, I feel like I've really begun to connect with the music of Sanctus Real. Below is their latest single, Lead Me and some other rocking tunes. Yeah, I just said 'rocking tunes'. Sue me.

pushing forward

I've never played football, but I've watched enough movies to see players practicing with blocking dummies (at least, I think that's what they're called). No matter how hard they run, the blocker's going to be there to slow them down. Obviously, it's intended to help them reach the goal line on game day, but it looks hard. It probably hurts a little when they slam into it during practices. The sheer strength of the blocker might knock them down a little bit. I would imagine that it's a bit of a dance of two steps forward and one step back.

Most days I feel like everyone else's marriage is perfect. They may have a tiff over minor details, but the husbands are respectful, the wives are beautiful and the children are nearly perfect. At least I think that sums up most of my friends lives. Maybe it's just due to my immaturity, but I feel like I am always hitting the dummy. There's always a blocker in my way of the goal line. It's a lot of hard work. I feel like I cannot compete with anybody else's wife/life. Not that I really should be, but if God lined up the Great Wives of the last three years, I would be dead last. I think I just embarrass my husband, my friends and myself at lot. To be honest, I'm not even sure why he sticks with me. I can't imagine sharing half of my crap with anyone else. He is gentle and loving and honestly has my best intentions at heart. He may not like a lot of things that I do, but he still loves me. Which seems overly graceful. When the best that I can offer is a dirty oyster, he finds the pearl.

Friends vs Community

Tonight over a stack of amazing cheese fries, Isaac discussed the feature film he's planning on shooting this summer. Which, by the way, can I just say how proud I am of him for stepping out and tackling this head on? My baby's got guts.

Anyway, Isaac was discussing characters and how part of the conflict in movies is that the main characters typically express their wants, but rarely do their wants match what their true needs are. They may be connected, but rarely are they the same.

I believe the same is true in real life. The things that I thought were important, or what I thought I wanted, aren't what I need. It's a frustrating process learning the difference.