quicksand

I am down 17lbs. It's not much, but I'm content with it. Other than my Zumba on Saturdays, I haven't been working out the past 3 weeks or so. However, I did recently learn that Forest Park will reimburse you $150 in November if you join certain gyms. That basically makes joining and maintaining a 12 month membership at Fitworks closer to $105 - just joining is flippn expensive - rather than $255. So I think I'll be joining next week.

Isaac doesn't really weigh himself as much as I do, but he looks REALLY good. I would guess he's lost 20-30lbs. His shirts are fitting looser and his body shape is more defined. I loved the way he looked before, but I'm happy he's healthier and in better shape. It's nice trying to eat better with someone you love.

During the past week I've had lunch/dinner with 3 separate friends. I've known some of them for a decade, and some just for a few short years. It is so refreshing being honest with people you love dearly.

Beginning April 1st, I will be going from full time at Lynx to just working Wednesdays and Fridays. Because of this change, I needed to find another part time position. Last Monday I found out that I got hired on at LADD (Living Arrangements for Developmentally Disabled). I will be working there M, Tu, Th, Sat and possibly Wed nights. This is all very exciting. I will be assisting individuals with their daily routine and helping them become more independent - which is just AWESOME. The only possible downside is that I'll be working second shift, so I won't see my small group anymore or my Saturday night church friends. This means I will have to GET UP and go to church on Sundays now. omg. What will I ever do? : ) Because Sundays will be my only day off, I can see that this might lead into a slippery slope of not going to church. Pure laziness.

The second shift thing is kinda of a blessing and a curse. Because of my schedule, I won't see any of my friends anymore. While this stinks, it also gives me the slightest twinge of relief. Not going to small group anymore means that I can leave relationships that I have broken lying where they may. It means not really having to be accountable to others about this stupid FREE* series or any other series in the future. It means not pushing through. It's not that I won't be dealing with the issues that this series brought up anymore, it's just that I won't have my community around me to support/quiz me about what I mean when I say x,y,z. Which, as a side note, I've recently realized that I don't always know why I say what I say. I have trouble verbalizing exactly what I mean. I just say how I feel. Or I'll just get upset when I'm trying to say something. It's all VERY frustrating and it makes me want to disappear or puke. Or both.

So in a sense, I will be disappearing for a while. It will have it's ups and downs, depending on what my mood is. It's ironic. I've come to realize that community is very important - I've seen family/friends who do not have community around them and it's unhealthy - but community is HARD. It is hard to live out life in front of others. I'm somewhat wondering if me leaving life as I know it for a while will be a relief to others. By not having to put up with my ridiculous insecurities and annoyances, I'm hoping/believing that this will actually strengthen my marriage and my relationships. I feel like Isaac's been annoyed/irritated with me for a long stretch. Perhaps he just needs a break. Perhaps I overwhelm him. I'm pretty needy.

I did the prayer experience at Crossroads on Thursday night with my small group. For some of my friends this was very meaningful. One of my friends has the promises from God taped to her refrigerator. Others have just verbalized that they either are free or are getting there. Am I the only one stuck in the mud here? One of my friends said that he thought I was further along than before. I'm about 99% positive he said that to get me off the phone. Shallow jerkface. jk...... But I don't see it. I went to the prayer experience, mainly because I had to or felt like I would be judged if not.... Anyway, I felt God saying some stuff to me there... some I have forgotten already. Most I think I blocked out. I have a very difficult time taking complements, in the truest since of the form from people, let alone God. I fully believe God can move mountains in other peoples lives and I have faith that He wants the best for others... And I want to help others get there.... But I don't really believe that for myself. It seems foolish that God would make ME promises. Or care. There are some times when I KNOW that God has spoken to me - mostly in a "you need to do this" form. I get that. I can be on a mission. I can handle "duties". But if it's just one on one with Jesus, that seems foreign and ridiculous. I don't have a good prayer time probably because I don't care to listen. I have trouble distinguishing between my voice and God's. Especially when it comes to him promising me things. I lack faith most days. And to be quite honest, I'm not sure that I really want to be free. Because although I hate where I'm at, moving forward would prove to be more painful and would require believing that God doesn't want me to stay put. That he's happy with the amount of baggage I'm carrying. To believe that I might be weary and stooped over from the weight of my own sin and selfishness.... I just remembered that he showed/visualized someone running while I was in the prayer experience. I think I'm supposed to not stop running. To run hard and fast. If I shut my eyes, I could/can hear the sounds of the snapping twigs and brush and the city sounds. I am to run a very long distance. I wrote on the wall during one of the prayer stations that I was not ready to give up. But I am tired and I am very close to just throwing in the towel and allowing myself to be swallowed by the quicksand I have stumbled into.