My head is not really where my heart is. I think.

Sorry it's been forever since my last post. Not that anybody's been chomping at the bit for my next post. haha.

I have no idea why I write "haha" after everything. haha. (that was just for emphasis)

I'm a happy person for the most part, so please don't read this and think I'm a party pooper. This is just where my head is today, so bear with me. Actually, I'll follow every annoyance with a good thing.

I think I cut my gum on some mountain trail mix last Friday. It still hurts. I think it might be infected. And then tonight before church, my hand slipped and hit my jaw with a force. My bottom teeth smashed into my top teeth with part of my tongue somewhere in the middle. Now my whole right side of my mouth is annoyed and hurting.

Good thing I made a dentist appointment for Tuesday morning. It'll be the first time I've been to the dentist in about 5-10 yrs. It's also at 6:45am. Yes, I said AM.

The Vineyard's been switching the services around for the past 5 weeks. Basically, the teaching's in the beginning, and the worship musics at the end. I was really hoping that by the end of the 5 weeks, I would be getting used to the changes. I think this was week 5. I'm not sure if they're sticking with the change or not. Regardless, it's been hard for me. Wha. I know, right? But seriously, I can't stay focused to save my life. I don't have the time mentally to prepare for a video that has substance (Mardy) and then straight into teaching. I can stay focused for about 3-5 minutes at a time. Which, is weird. And then we go into music and I don't feel like I'm really into the music, because I really wasn't at all into the teaching. It doesn't transition for me. I just feel like I've been going to church lately, just to go to church. I don't feel like I've been getting anything out of it. And that's my deal, not the teachers. It's just frustrating. I leave the service without understanding what was being taught. I probably just need to catch up online a bunch. But it's also got me thinking. How long has it taken me in the past to "get into worship?" Isn't the music just as important as the teaching? Maybe, I don't know. It's just weird to me, that people are still talking when the teacher is speaking, people are still getting up and some are actually standing up to take off their coats. While Joe or Dave are talking. It's odd. I feel like people aren't mentally or physically prepared either. Not everybody, just a some. I'm just annoyed I'm not soaking in much. I'm just going to go for David and Kathy at this point.

Regardless if I'm not getting church, I've heard that lots of people are really happy with the changes. And honestly, that's really cool. And above all, I'm just happy that I go to a church that's willing to change things up a bit and try new things. A lot of places wouldn't dare. VCC is pretty dang cool overall. And I'm happy to call it home.

I did have a revelation tonight... about 4 years ago, I stopped going to the church I had been attending and kinda quit going anywhere. I'd had my fill of being burned my crappy churches and leadership. Eventually, I started visiting the Vineyard. Most times, I never came on time. I figured if anybody was going to complain about it, I'd just leave. Honestly, I was just testing the waters with VCC. They claimed to be a safe place and I had known some friends who went there for some healing time after being burned by a church. I wanted to know if what they said was true. Was VCC different? Sometimes, I got there so late, Dave was already 1/2 thru his sermon. Eventually, I started coming a little earlier and earlier. It took me a looong time, but eventually I realized that there is no perfect church. But VCCers seemed to be trying, so I thought that was good and I'd at least be willing to try them out. And about 2 years into me trying out VCC, I decided I'd start volunteering. This would be my home.

Meanwhile, I had been involved in a small group with a group of good friends. In the end, that small group didn't work out for me. Long story, but I got a bad taste in my mouth of what a small group was and should be and who you should be in one with. Fastforward a couple of years.... I've now been in a small group for a year. Most of my very favorite people are in that group. I'd rather be a small group with a random group of people than my friends. That seems safer to me. That way, in case the sm didn't work out, I still had my friends. wussy way of thinking, but whatever. And lately, I've been thinking that maybe they don't like me in small group as much as I'm nervous to be there. I got all emotional and honest on Thursday and that was embarassing. I think I've cried in front my small group friends like, 3x already. That's stupid. And probably really annoying to them. It just feeds in my s.m. group fears. Anyway, back to the revelation tonight.... I realized that while there is no perfect church, there's also no perfect small group. Why it took me so long to realize that, I have no idea. So I'm going to try and work on not freaking out so much. And just keep loving the people who I already adore. and to hash things out theologically. And to love and serve the ones around us as Christ would. Actually sounds kinda of exciting, doesn't it?

Honestly, I think this post was more for me than it was for you. If you even made it this far, I'm really impressed. And you're really bored : )