break through?

So Isaac says I'm not terribly spiritually vunerable. I take offense to that statement on most days, but on the days when I'm being honest with myself, I'll agree that there's truth behind it. I think maybe it goes in waves. And he just hasn't been around long enough to see the other waves. for example, college. or even immediately after I graduated. Because by those standards, there's parts of me that are radically different. Life has a way of molding you. I wish he knew me in college. anyhoo.

So sometimes when my pastors encourage us to do certain things or be more open, etc, I'll either leave the service or check out. bad habit. goes back to the spiritually vunerable thing.

A few weeks ago there was something on my mind that I thought I was ready to let go of. I told Isaac about it. I don't remember exactly what happened, I just know I got really annoyed and decided that I wouldn't let go of "it". Of those dreams. I stuck my toe in the water and decided it was way to cold to jump in.

So somewhere between then and now one of the pastors talked about letting go of your dreams and trusting that God might hand them back but he might just give you something better. his plans. his dreams. at least, that's kinda what I understood. I listened to the sermon online again today a couple of more times. https://www.vineyardcincinnati.com/lastweek.php

so tonight while I was home by myself I turned off the tv, closed the computer and told God He could have them. Actually, technically, I asked for a long and healthy life with Isaac, but other than that, the things that I think I can do or would like to do are gone. If He truly has a better plan in store, let's see it. I had a visual image of wadding up a piece of paper and throwing it away. I'm not sure how good of a swimmer I am, but I'm pretty sure I just jumped in.